Searching for Acceptance, Finding Jesus

“I had become a monster. I could never picture myself fully being myself with anyone and being accepted and loved for it.”

On February 22nd, 2021, Makenna Brown was arrested in Cartersville, Georgia and charged with multiple felonies. at twenty-four years old and facing a thirty- year sentence, she wasn’t sure how to feel.

“I was like an emotional wreck. Like, I was never just one emotion.”

From the time Makenna was twelve years old, she’d taken her cues about how she felt and who she was from those around her.  

“I always felt different, like anytime I did show someone a glimpse of the real me, it got rejected, whether that was by family or by friends. No matter how much I would try to fit in, it just wasn't enough.”

In her teens, she began using drugs and shoplifting expensive items to fit in.

“Drugs and alcohol did give me a boost of confidence, to feel like I could present myself to others as being like them, or it would cloud my mind to the point where I'm like, ‘Hey, I like feeling like this. I don't feel alone, or I don't feel unaccepted.’”

The drugs sidelined her college plans twice. Her addiction—and her insecurities—drove every decision she made.

“The temporary fix was all that I was focused on, and especially hanging out with the crowd that I was around. They would do things to get money so that we could go have a couple of weeks of fun, and so I felt like I had nothing to bring to the table. I would go and get it because otherwise, then I was worthless again.”

Makenna craved attention and cycled from man to man. 

At the end of the day, she always felt alone.

“I always blamed myself that I didn't have enough to bring to the table, and if I had, they would've stayed. I began to get so dark spiritually that suicide seemed like a good way out. I can remember holding a gun in my hand on the steps and just contemplating killing myself.”

During that time, she put her hope in New Age spirituality.

“I felt like that was an outlet that I could possibly begin to use to attain whatever I was lacking. If you get this stone, then it grounds you. Or if you get this stone, then it provides a provision. I was still just in complete darkness.”

Then came the arrest. Makenna, her boyfriend, and her friends were charged with multiple felonies.

‘“I tried all the things to be enough and still couldn't find it, um, in myself. And so, at that point, I was just irritated at everything around me. I can remember getting so angry and feeling all these emotions with all these charges hanging over my head, being ripped away from the people that I thought I loved. So, I'm pacing around the room and I saw something written on the wall and it was the verse in the Bible that says, ‘You've been baptized with water, but one comes after me whose sandals I'm not worthy to carry, who will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire’ I took it as a sign. I don't know that I necessarily knew it was Jesus, I just knew that someone was speaking to me in that moment. 

So, I said, you know, “God, if you're even listening,” because at that point I felt like such a dirty person I didn't even know if he would care enough to hear me. I said, ‘I trust you more than I trust myself at this point.’”

A few days later, she heard a pastor speaking in the commissary. 

“‘He said, ‘By the spirit of God, one of you is saying that God's not real, but I bet you know demons are real.’ And I knew. I mean, I had been tormented my whole life, but I never knew what it was. The very next day I went into the church service.

And Pastor David stopped the entire service, and he said, “The Lord said, you've got a calling on your life, and you need to stop playing.”  The words he was speaking, it resonated with everything I had been searching for up until that point. I knew what he said was real.’”

When he gave the altar call, Makenna went forward.

“When he laid hands on me, I felt something so supernatural. I didn't know the supernatural could be found in the church. I thought it could only be found in the world, in the demonic things. So, to feel the purity of the presence of the Lord and it be so true and real, I knew I could trust it. As crazy as it sounds, I didn't care about the charges I was facing. My heart felt at home for the first time ever. I felt seen for the first time, like for truly who I was, unconditionally.”

Makenna spent the next six months in jail, learning more about Christ and his love. What she found surprised her.

‘“His word began to change me. He's like, ‘You're not rejected. I've chosen you and I love you no matter what. I died for you, in spite of yourself.’ 

Once I found Jesus, it's like everything was visibly brighter, not only on the inside, but on the outside as well. I began to not only learn to love myself and forgive myself, but my life was not about me anymore.’”

All of the other charges against her were dismissed, so Makenna was released. She connected with Pastor David’s church and now leads worship there. 

Makenna also ministers at Bartow County jail, the same jail where she was once a prisoner.  Her life is filled with the joy of knowing she belongs.

“I never feel alone anymore. It's like a constant conversation with the Lord. And it's exciting and it's beautiful. He proves himself over and over again. I feel like now I have integrity. His blood is enough; you don't have to do something to cover what you've done or try to change yourself. When he said, ‘it is finished’, that it was for you.’”