The War Within Won by Christ!

“I wanted a mom that was always there. I wanted a mom to come to my school functions. I wanted a mom to just love on me. I just wanted my mom, like any little girl just wants her mom.”  Born to a drug-addicted, neglectful mother, Fernanda Herrera faced a lifetime of health issues. Scars from multiple childhood surgeries and rejection from the person she longed would love her, left Fernanda feeling unworthy and insecure. She recalls, “I felt she rejected me because I was sick. It started my self-confidence issues, my rejection issues, my resentment and hatred toward anything to do with drugs, anything to do with my mom.” Foster care separated 10-year-old Fernanda from her mother until her grandmother, the one bright light in Fernanda’s life, could secure custody. She says, “Though I felt love from my grandma, though I knew that she wanted me, I still had something inside of me that felt deformed, that felt rejected, that didn't feel accepted.”

To cope, Fernanda joined a gang which gave her a sense of belonging and a way to channel her anger and hurt. Fernanda says, “Why I had so much violence and so much hate is because like, I was blamed for things that I couldn't control: my sickness and my mom being an addict. The more violent I was, the cooler I was and the, and the more violent I was, the less people mess with me, including my family.”  At 15, Fernanda’s mother invited her to a church play. Her mother was recently sober and thought the play would help Fernanda quit the gang life. Reluctantly, she agreed to go. She recalls, “And they're acting out, you know, somebody doing drugs or getting high or ODing something to that effect. And then there's this light that comes down talking about Jesus and how He can change this situation. It felt like someone was telling my story. I'm sitting there and I'm like, oh my gosh, there's somebody, there's something that can help me. There's hope for me.” 

Fernanda and her mom started attending church, however, when her mom relapsed, Fernanda’s resentment returned and her hope in God vanished. She says, “I was disgusted that she can choose something like that over us and over something she had claimed had changed her life. I just didn't want to deal with her anymore because I didn't want my hopes to get too high then just, just to be let down again.” To Fernanda, an unexpected pregnancy at 17, was a blessing. She recalls, “I was happy that I got pregnant because they told me I could never have kids due to all my surgeries. I felt like, okay, someone's gonna have to love me. You know, my child's gonna have to love me.” With a boyfriend and child, life seemed good. Until her boyfriend, the man who once made her feel safe, started abusing her on occasion. She says, “It mostly happened when we were drinking. That relationship, when it got bad, it reiterated to me that I was ugly. That I was worthless. It made me feel unlovable at that point.”

Things turned worse when her grandmother passed away. Losing the one person who brought light to her life, Fernanda used cocaine and crack to numb her pain and regret. She recalls, “I don't think it necessarily helped the guilt. It suppressed it. Till I came down, then I felt it again, then it was time to get high again, time to get drunk again. When I realized that I was following pretty much in my mom's footsteps, it made me feel even more disgusted in myself. Eventually I got high with my mom. What's weird with that is I finally felt accepted by her then. I was happy that I could finally have my mom.”  For six years Fernanda was a functioning addict occasionally getting clean and going to church. In 2010, she married a man who also turned out to be abusive. When she demanded a divorce, he violently beat her leading to his arrest. While recovering in the hospital bed, Fernanda took a long, hard look at her life. “How could you let it get this far? How could you fall back into this again? I had tried drugs; I had tried relationships; I had tried a gang. The only thing I didn't try was God.”

She returned to church and started reading her Bible. Then, one Sunday morning, she fully surrendered to God. She says, “I was sobbing and someone came and prayed over me, and I remember after saying, ‘I don't want this anymore. If you can change me, change me’. I felt whole like whatever was missing inside of me all those years I felt like was like a puzzle piece kind of was put there and I felt happy.”  As her relationship with God grew, her anger turned to compassion and Fernanda forgave those who hurt… including her mother. Fernanda says, “There's still friction at times because there's still some underlying issues there. But I'm able to see her and not her addiction. But I'm praying for her. I'm just thankful that I still have her and I'm able to love her the way I was unable to when I was a kid.” Fernanda sees herself loved by God and created with a purpose. Something she wants everyone to also feel. She says, “Don't believe the lies that you're ugly, or you're not worth it, or that nobody loves you. Sometimes we don't see value in ourselves. We don't see anything good in ourselves, but that's a lie. Never give up on who He created you to be.”