Wearing the Crown of God’s Love

“I felt dirty, bad, and I was scared. I felt like I needed to earn people's love,” says Mary Ann Otley. “I felt that I didn't deserve things.”

Mary Ann grew up in Southern Illinois, where she attended Catholic school. Over the course of one summer, she was sexually abused by several people close to her. 

“It was the summer between my 8th and 9th grade year,” she says. “My dentist abused me, a boyfriend forced himself on me. And then I was abused by my dad. When my dad abused me that night that was the game changer. I was just a normal kid one day; the next day I was in the twilight zone.”

The event left emotional scars and caused her to question her faith in God. She adds, “I heard a voice that said, ‘You must really be bad for something like this to happen to you.’ And I thought, ‘The only person that could have seen what just happened to me is God.’ So I thought God was telling me that I was bad. It's very confusing, it's terrorizing, traumatizing. And all of a sudden shame comes in and it's like a blanket.”

Mary Ann went into a deep depression.  

“Sex is so powerful and when you're young, you feel the violation,” she says. “I felt like my heart was in a zillion pieces. As a matter of fact, I would think about going and buying a box of Waterford Crystal and just throwing it against a brick wall. I felt so shattered inside.”

Later her parents divorced. They agreed that Mary Ann would spend weekends with her father.  Finally, she told her mother what was happening. “My dad was waiting in the car for me and I said, ‘Mom, I can't go. He has been touching me and he's been coming to me at night.’ And she believed me. And that's when I stopped staying at my dad's.”

She later moved to Chicago to live with a relative to get a fresh start. As a young woman, she turned to drugs and alcohol to ease her pain. “I met a young man that I began dating and he introduced me to cocaine, and I found comfort, even for maybe a minute, it would take away the pain,” she says. “And I began being addicted to things: food, alcohol, nicotine, cocaine-being dependent on other things to give me comfort.” 

She also discovered she had great savvy as a businesswoman. When she was 28, she founded an aircraft brokerage company called Jet Net. “I felt like I had to get control of my life. I had to figure out how life worked. And what I wanted to do was own my own company. I wanted to earn a lot of money, and I wanted to build a wall around myself so that no one would hurt me." 

Despite her business success, she still felt empty inside. After selling her interest in Jet Net, she moved to St. Louis. One night, she was having dinner with a client. “He said, ‘Well, what are your thoughts about Jesus?’ And I'm like, ‘I tried Jesus when I was a young girl. He doesn't work,’ Mary Ann remembers. “And he's like, ‘Love doesn't work for you?’ And I said, ‘What does love have to do with Jesus?’ And he said, ‘Jesus has everything to do with love, and I don't know who hurt you, but it wasn't Him. And if you run from Him, you're running from your only source of healing.’ And I told him, ‘Okay, I'll try Him.’”

That man would later become Mary Ann’s husband. They had a son, and attended church together, but Mary Ann still struggled with trust issues. “I’m scrubbing the dishes, and I have this internal rant with God. And I told him, ‘Listen, I want to believe that your Son is God. But everyone tells me in order to do that all I have to do is trust, and I trusted dad, trusted the dentist, trusted the boyfriend, and I only got hurt. And now I'm just supposed to trust you? So if you're God, I think it would be fair if you'd just tell me.”

Mary Ann was not quite prepared for what happened next. “My little boy walks down the stairs and he said, ‘Mommy!’ Urgently. Pulling on my pant leg. ‘What, honey?’ ‘Jesus is God.’ And I got down on my knees and I said, ‘Tommy, what did you say?’ ‘Mommy, Jesus is God.’ Stunned, I said, ‘OK, you’re God! I will believe you for the rest of my life. I want to know you for myself!’” 
 
Mary Ann says she finally surrendered to God’s love. Later, while praying, she saw a vision of Jesus and his love for her. “Jesus is standing in front of me with this white robe. He put the robe over me and He put a crown on my head, and he took my hands and he said, ‘You're my princess.’ And I just sobbed and cried. All the shame, the guilt, the fear. I just cried out and He just clothed me and I knew from that moment on that it would be my life's mission to help every woman that I encounter to know how beautiful He is and how great His love is.”

Mary Ann was eventually able to forgive her father. She asked him for a meeting and he reluctantly agreed. “I said, ‘Dad, when I was a teenager I was very rebellious to you and I came to ask you to forgive me.’ Mary Ann remembers. ‘And he said, ‘Oh no, no, no.’ And my dad got on his knees, and he said, ‘No Mimi, I'm the one who needs to ask you to forgive me.’ And he held me and we just cried and cried. He said, ‘I got down on my knees this morning and I asked God to show me what repentance looks like. And then you walked in the door.’”

Today she is an author and consultant and ministers to women who have been victims of sexual abuse. “It was only God's love that healed my heart. It was only God’s love that washed all the shame away, and helped me have a dynamic relationship with my husband and helped me have a thriving ministry and a beautiful relationship with my children. It’s really is all about His love.”