No Longer Bound by Fear

“I remember, being locked in my van, in the van, I was so small, I was still in the car seat. So being in the garage being locked away. Just feelings of darkness and not wanting to be there.” Justin says his childhood was marked by severe mental abuse.  He was often locked in a dark garage for hours at a time as a form of punishment. Deep emotional wounds inflicted on him by his mother distorted his mental state daily.

He continues, “She would threaten to kill herself, hold knives up to her body, just graphic ways. She would always tell me and my siblings how dangerous like the world was, I think I gravitated to that, um, and adopted that into my life. being afraid to leave the house, and ultimately that led to me being diagnosed with, um, panic disorder agoraphobia, if I went outside, I just feel like I couldn't breathe.
The only time he really felt safe was when his father took him to church. Justin says, “And I remember being in a parking lot with my dad at after church, and him leading me in a prayer of believing in Jesus and hearing the gospel at church. So at an early age, Jesus, became my Lord. And so throughout the abuse and during these dark times, I would sense the love of God.”
 
Still, thoughts of hopelessness and suicidal ideation filled his mind. “And those feelings of depression kind of grew ultimately until, I just didn't wanna live anymore.” He says, “I started, having thoughts of suicide at 11 years old, 12 years old. And that grew until, all the way up through my early twenties.”

He drank alcohol daily and smoked marijuana in an attempt to dampen the mental darkness that consumed his thoughts. It only made things worse. Justin decided he would take his own life. He says, “The day leading up to it. I, it was kind of, I was completely blacked out. Like I, I wasn't even concerned with living anymore. Ultimately my plan was to wrap my car around a tree and end my life.” He mixed pills and alcohol and began driving, looking for a place to crash. Then, police lights interrupted his mission. He was arrested for drunk driving and spent the night in jail. The next day as he prayed and repented, he says God did a miracle in his heart and mind. “Just realizing God had allowed me to live and seeing how life is a gift from the Lord, I, I just was so grateful. That morning after being saved, I began to experience the, glory and the peace of the Lord Jesus. And Jesus saved my life that day.” He says, “And since then, I never looked back. All the feelings of hopelessness and suicidal thoughts were gone. And He replaced that with his peace, his joy. It's like I once, I didn't wanna live, now I want to live, you know, and the Lord did a miracle in my life.”

He found his confidence through worshiping Jesus. Fear and depression no longer had a place in his life.  He says, “After that I was able to leave my house I was able to go to church now and do worship services. Immediately when the worship started, I would just feel, I would just feel like this wind and God's presence would just wash away the anxiety. His spirit was there and the despair was gone.”
Justin says God helped him forgive his mom and has restored the relationship with his family, all while building new friendships through his church community. “The Lord helped me to forgive my mom and forgive my family. It says in Joel that he will restore the years the locusts have eaten, you know, the crawling those things that the enemy came in to eat up. The Lord comes in to restore. God has added to my life more than what was taken away previously.” Justin continues, “I now lead worship at my church when I can. And that his Holy Spirit never left. He's still there, and he's still leading me today. It feels good, it feels good yeah. I have never been the same since. God, never the same like God, He gave me a purpose, and he restored those things in my life.”