Washing Away Guilt with God’s Love

Montana says, “I remember being in a mental space of I feel like I’m dying and there’s not much of myself left. I felt lifeless.”

Montana Buck gave away bits and pieces of her body and her soul for money. Her journey started after her dad died when she was four. Her mother struggled to provide basic needs for Montana and her 2 siblings.

Montana recalls, “It frustrated me a lot because I didn’t understand why other people could just so easily obtain things and that it seems so normal. But then for me and my family it was always a struggle.”

By 15, Montana had dropped out of school and started working full time at a fast-food restaurant to help her mom with the bills. While it wasn’t much, it also gave her a taste of having money.

Montana shares, “It made me feel more secure and like I was doing something right.”

Montana would work three more years trying to help her mom with bills that were always behind. Then in August of 2015, her dad’s social security death benefits ran out, and her family was evicted from their apartment. It was then a friend told her how she could make a lot of money by stripping.

Montana recalls, “I had never been in an environment like that before in my life and I didn’t really know what to expect. I knew that my mom did not raise me to act like that.”

Desperation though would outweigh her Christian upbringing and fears, and Montana took a job as an exotic dancer.

Montana remembers, “In that first day I had made more money on stage than I did in two weeks working at the fast-food job.”

Montana could now buy anything she wanted and also provide for her family’s needs. Eventually, she told her mother who feared for her daughter’s safety and prayed she would leave that lifestyle. Less than a year later, when Montana was 19, she realized she could triple her earnings by selling her body for sex.

Montana shares, “When I was engaging in the prostitution, I justified it by saying, ‘Well, you know, I need to help take care of my family.’ I felt like I had beat the game and the point of the game was survival.”

By the end of two years with dancing and prostituting, Montana was making thousands of dollars a week and nearing her breaking point. She had been battling depression and masking her pain with marijuana.

Montana recalls, “I did not see a way forward. I did not see a way out. It was like nastiness inside my heart, in my mind, replaying memories of things that happened on any given night. I would shower and I would try to scrub away on the outside the filthiness that was actually on the inside. And it never really worked. I felt like my heart was literally shattered into a million pieces. That I was like bits and fragments of myself and I was being chipped away bit-by-bit internally and it was a very awful feeling.”

Then one day at home in her bedroom, Montana overheard a Christian television program her mother was listening to.

Montana says, “The Bible teacher was speaking on peace. That Jesus brings us peace; and that was very intriguing for me because I did not have peace.”

In the coming weeks, Montana began watching the teachings and even started reading the Bible. Learning more about a Holy God, she was compelled to examine her life choices.

Montana remembers, “I was sorrowful over my sin. It was not glorifying to God. And, in fact, it grieved Him. I also knew that I could not get myself out and that I could not clean myself up, but that I needed help. And so, I repented, and I asked Jesus, 'According to the blood, that was spilled, that’s for me too, right?' I felt the mercy of God so powerfully. And it was beautiful being able to feel His presence and know that, ‘Yes, He loves me. And yes, He did die for me.’ It was like that breath of fresh air, the depression was gone, the intrusive thoughts were gone, the feeling of defeat and hopelessness was gone.”

Over the next ten months Montana struggled to walk away from the money, going back and forth between the strip club and prostitution. While it took months of prayer and God’s work in her heart and mind, one day Montana was able to see her value in God and walk away from it all.

Montana shares, “Letting go of the financial security was very much worth it to me because I had found peace. I had found the truth. And so, I let it all go to follow Jesus.”

Montana now enjoys working as a waitress in a family restaurant and trusting God’s faithfulness to provide for her and her family. She attends a local church and also has thousands of followers on her YouTube channel who listen to her share her faith and new identity in Jesus Christ.

Montana says, “My identity in Christ today is redeemed. Jesus came for people like me and He still redeeming, He’s still saving, He’s still cleansing of sin. He’s still restoring and He’s still providing.”

To watch Montana's YouTube video of her full testimoney (which has garnered more than 610,000 views), please visit: https://youtu.be/HLfZ5m2f35U