Leaving No Stone Unturned

“This is it. I can't do this anymore. I can't live like this anymore. I had made a decision to jump off the balcony and end my life,” recalls a contemplative Wesley Bartlett.  

By his early 20s, his life had become unbearable, filled with darkness and rage. Although he’d grown up in a loving Christian home, everything changed when he was 12 as he was molested by a neighbor and introduced to pornography.

“I knew in my heart that it was wrong,” says Wesley, “but the pleasure was such an addiction that it was like I kept going back to it over and over and over again. I definitely kept it hidden, which grew into shame and a place of isolation, not feeling like I was worthy and not wanting anyone else to know.”

Through his teens, shame drove him into further darkness.

“I opened doors to really dark movies...at the same person's house, actually," recalls Wesley.  “And music as well. I was listening to bands, some of the darkest ones in the world like Gorgoroth, Black Witchery, Blood Bath, like these are some of the most satanic artists out there. The words would just transform me. And then on top of that I was dealing with really negative thought patterns and word curses from my own mouth over myself. Like, 'Oh, I shouldn't have done it again, and I'm worthless. What's wrong with me? I'm so stupid. Why did I do this again?'"

At age 18 he was introduced to alcohol & marijuana, which became his only escape from the feelings that haunted him. “It got me really high and I was like, wow, this is actual peace. Like it's a break from all this depression and darkness and once I felt those feelings, I just continually pursued them,” says Wesley.

Over the next few years, Wesley's life fell apart. “I had thousands of dollars in debt. I had been arrested four different times. I had so many near-death experiences, blacking out, drunk behind the wheel multiple times. I had extremely severe depression, suicidal thoughts. I was hearing descriptions of killing myself and others, and torture and perversion and just the darkest stuff there is honestly. I couldn't take it. I started making really bad decisions with people, stealing from people, pawning things. Just trying to feed that addiction, but also numbing my reality. Like that was my main goal, to escape everything.”

Wesley realized that he couldn't find lasting peace in drugs & alcohol. He fully rejected his family’s faith and soon lost all hope. He remembers, “I became agnostic at one point. I don't know if God really exists. And when I did that, when I made that decision, it was the darkest season of my life.
I was really depressed, really down, like this is it. I can't do this anymore. I can't live like this anymore. I had made a decision to jump off the balcony and end my life.”

Right before his planned suicide jump, he was interrupted by a phone call from his sister. “She was like, 'How are you doing?' I said, 'Honestly, I'm just feeling hopeless, and I can't do this anymore.' She just told me all the things God had done in her life. And encouraged me and told me about how she used to have depression and how God healed her mind and she got to stop taking antidepressants and she said to me, 'Leave no stone unturned in your life.'"

"And that stuck out to me more than anything else. And after the phone call I got on my knees on that balcony and I said, 'God, I give you everything, I give you my life. I'm done. I give up, you know, music, I give up drugs, I give up everything else that I've been holding onto. I ask you to fill me with your Holy Spirit.' And when He filled me, it was like this thick haze over my mind and just instant clarity. Everything restored. He gave me wisdom. He restored my photographic memory and my vocabulary again. And just total clarity. It's like I was a new creation, literally,” says Wesley.

The darkness that once consumed his life, has been replaced by the light and love of Jesus. Wesley smiles and says, “Jesus has completely healed my heart and set me free. I break down in tears all the time, tears of joy now. It's been so many years of tears of healing and everything, but now it's like He's set me free and there's just clarity in my mind and in my heart. I'm just overflowing with His love and His peace."

Wesley continues, "I know exactly what I'm doing with my life and how to use all the talents and the giftings for art, music, and writing lyrics and all those things. I get to use those with the Holy Spirit for the kingdom. And the relationship with Him is indescribable. It's more fun than anything the world could ever offer. And it's like He can take you anywhere and open doors anywhere, as long as you keep Him as your first love.”