Project Jesus: Christian McClelland's Story
I grew up with a father who was a crack addict. My mother was just depressed and totally shut off from the world. And me, I was just shut off. I was, like, 'This hurts me too much, so in order to protect myself from the pain, Im going to shut myself down.'
The thing that I would say that caused me the most pain with my father growing up was really when he would just come home high. It would really get me over the edge. I remember one time I had baseball practice. We were going to baseball practice and he asked me if I knew how to get there the rest of the way. I said, 'I know how to get there,' so he told me to go and he told me he was going to be right behind me. He never showed up. Things like that would really get me, when he said he would do something and not do it.
WILMA McCLELLAND (Christian's mother): You just never knew from one day to the next whether his father was home, or if his father was living at home or not living at home, or in a rehab, or in the street.
CHRISTIAN: One second hes home; the next second hes home doing well for a couple of months. It was really confusing. I learned to act like he was never really there in the first place.
WILMA: We put up a façade and in the household we tried to make light of the heaviness.
CHRISTIAN: What made it so hurtful was that when he was home and he was clean, he was a good father. Hes a good father, a loving person. But whenever he would start getting back into the drugs, he would totally change. I saw him as two totally different people.
My mother, she started to go to church, and she started to change her ways. She started listening to church music. She stopped cursing. She stopped smoking. I was so distant I didnt really care much, to be honest with you. I was like, 'All right, whatever, that's cool.'
WILMA: I saw Christian shut down emotionally and I felt totally powerless over that. I didnt know what to do. I would put up this façade for the children saying, 'God is in control.' But then I would go into my prayer closet and go, 'God, what is going on?' And I would see my children hurting. Then I would go, 'God, where are you?' Gods answer every single time was 'My grace is sufficient. I've got them. Ive got them, Wilma. Dont worry. I have them.'
CHRISTIAN: I always believed in God. I always believed that there was more to life. But what I felt about God was that He didnt like me, or He's too busy to care about what is going on. I felt God was too distant, so I made myself distant. There goes the distant thing again. I was like, 'All right, God, You dont want me, so I dont want you.'
My mother was a Christian for about three years, and she started attending Christ tabernacle. Friday night they have the 'After Shock;' about 500 teens get together and they worship God and have a good time in the Lord. She made me go, and she told me there was going to be a hip-hop concert. I didnt really knock anything, so I said, 'OK, let me check it out.'
WILMA: There was a retreat coming up. I told him, 'You and Jessica are going on this retreat.'
CHRISTIAN: I didnt want to go on that either, and she made me go. I was going on this retreat where I didnt know one person.
WILMA: I remember fasting and praying that weekend. I remember asking God, 'God, You have to do something in my children. Do something in my children, Lord.'
CHRISTIAN: I went, and people were constantly trying to get to know me. There was really something genuine. There was something genuine about these Christians.
I had a youth leader and I remember asking him the question, What makes you so different from me? Do you not live in the same world that I live in? He was so loving. It wasnt even funny. It threw me off. I never felt a love like that coming from a person in my whole life. As I was sitting there that night, and I was talking to him, I felt a peace in me. His peace soaked into me. I felt a peace like -- wow! -- I want that.
When I felt that love from the body of Christ, thats what really drew me to the Lord. It was the love of Christ, the love of the body. I started to make friends, too. I went up to the altar. I started crying. I started to really open up.
WILMA: The Wednesday that they came back from the retreat, all of the sudden Christian said, 'You know, Ma, I was reading the book of John'. Im sitting there trying to compose myself, right? [He said], 'That Jesus, He was hot. Jesus was off the hook.' And he started talking about Jesus, and this and that. Im sitting there and I want to scream. Im trying to be cool and calm, and Im like, 'He read?!' Not only did he read, but he read the whole book of John! That was answered prayer to me. That let me know that God was in control all along.
CHRISTIAN: Right now, the Lord, Hes my dad. A lot of people say Hes my Father, and thats great. But Hes my Dad. When I say Daddy, it makes it personal.
My relationship with my [earthly] father right now is a lot better than its ever been. I still have a hard time, because in my lifetime, hes been such an inconsistent thing. It was just really hard to get a hold of anything, because just when I was about to grab a hold of some type of relationship, he was gone.
DAVID McCLELLAND (Christian's father): My relationship with Christian is very strained. Its very strained because of what I been through from what weve been through. Right now, if we say ten words to each other in a week, Im happy. Ill tell you this: Christian is my hero. Ill be driving my truck sometime, and that [verse from that] song 'Dont you know youre my hero?' comes on, and it always brings me to tears, because Christians my hero, man. For a father to say that his son is his hero sounds funny, but for me to see where Christians come from, its amazing that he withstood and had the diligence to continue and go forth.
WILMA: Were healing and were growing -- and so is their [Christian and Jessica's] father. But their father is still new to the picture. Now theres a healing as a family thats taking place.
CHRISTIAN: In teaching me how to love him, hes taught me how to love my family. Its like with him now, I can go before him and say, 'Daddy, I love you.' I can say, 'Dad, just be there for me. I can feel his touch. I can feel his presence when I pray.
I want to be in full-time ministry. I want to do that for a living. I want to do that till the day I die. I want to be that vessel just empty before you, Lord, not caring about my persona, not caring about me. I want to be able to honestly make the stand that Paul said: 'Im willing not only to be bound, but to die for Your gospel.'
