Laughter: The Missing Ingredient
CBN.com If you grew up in a dysfunctional home, there is a strong likelihood you had to grow up fast. At an early age I felt like a mini-adult, responsible for parenting my parents. This did not leave much room for childhood, or laughter, for that matter.
Today I worry that I take life far too seriously, and I fear I take that seriousness into my parenting. When Aidan brings home a marked-up spelling test, I come down too hard on him. When Julia spills something, instead of reacting kindly, I raise my voice—as if spilled juice merited it—and berate her for being so, well, kidlike! I lecture. I fume. All because I see life in terms of shades of gray and black. My prayer is that somehow I’d recapture the youth I lost, that I’d begin to give myself permission to scribble with colors like vermilion and magenta. I want to be a pioneer parent who laughs with and at life and who invites my children along for the hilarious ride.
Scientists agree. A recent study revealed that humor or laughing stimulated the same area of the brain as cocaine. According to Neuron—yes, this is the name of a real magazine—Stanford University neuroscientists observed sixteen folks who looked at forty-two funny cartoons and forty-two not-funny cartoons. The funny cartoons stimulated the reward system of the brain.1 The lesson is this: Laughing is better than drugs. Laughing is free. Laughing has no side effects, other than the occasional snort or the wetting of one’s pants if things really get out of control.
The Missing Ingredient
Even if you don’t struggle with being too much of a “heavy” in your home, this chapter will provide a welcome relief from most parenting books. Humor can do wonders for your perspective as a parent. Laughter is a powerful way to relieve tension and defuse anger. It helps heal us when we’re grieving. Following are some ways we can incorporate humor and laughter into our parenting, even if we have a natural bent toward the serious side.
1. Become like a child. Children loved to scramble onto Jesus’ lap. He was irresistible to children. He laughed. He tousled hair and welcomed faith-filled questions. And he instructed adults to become like children—to recapture that carefree innocence they once had. Ever notice how much a child laughs? Just for the sake of experimentation, try to laugh every half hour today and see if it doesn’t change your outlook.
2. Be observant. Part of fostering a home filled with laughter is simply being aware of life. If we are too busy or too distracted, we’ll miss the many opportunities to lighten up and enjoy our children. Because I am a work in progress, I’m relying on a couple of funny friends to help me flesh out this chapter. My friend Jeanne offers this encouragement:
My foremost advice to parents would be: Delight in your children and let them know it. When they say something adorable, tell them you think it’s adorable. When they stretch their humor muscles, encourage them, whether it’s a silly costume they’ve thrown together or a lame joke they created.
I make sure I laugh when my children say goofy things. I revel in their laughter when I dare to step outside myself and act silly. But I can’t do any of these things if I am detached from life, forgetting to observe and immerse myself in it.
3. Remember. Not only do I try to live in the moment with my children and my husband, who is goofy, but I also try to record funny moments. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have the following treasury of DeMuth kids’ sayings:
• “I don’t want to watch Anne with Green Bagels.”
• “My thoughts are being controlled by my imaginary friend.”
• “I want to be literal. Can I?”
• “Who is better? Satan or a muffin?”
• “When the moon is upside down, it looks like a toenail.”
• “There is no life in cereal.”
My friend Jeanne also knows the importance of remembering:
Remembering makes me laugh as hard as I did when funny things happened the first time. My daughter Grace graduated third in her class in high school, so she was supposed to give the closing prayer, lead the school song, tell the students to move their tassels, and then toss her cap. She was so worried about tossing the cap correctly, she took hers off right after the prayer and threw it. But instead of tossing it up, she threw it straight ahead like a ninja star. It narrowly missed the photographer’s head! He picked it up and gave it back to her. Then she had to lead the school song, and so on, after having done that. I was laughing so hard I thought I’d fall over. I’m laughing now typing it.
4. Laugh at yourself. Learning to laugh at myself is not easy. Often I can laugh in retrospect, particularly if I look back on times when I was a walking stress-ometer. A case in point is the Great Philadelphia Airport Caper. One thing that endears my husband to me—and one of the reasons I married him—is his unique, dry sense of humor. I love that he is able to laugh at himself and not take life so seriously. While we were waiting for the plane that failed to arrive on time (which would put us home after midnight the night before our children’s first day of school), Patrick was able to enjoy the time while I fumed. He held a slice of really greasy pizza in front of me and said, “At least the pizza’s good.” Parenting with laughter is a learned art!
5. Share laughter. If we can learn to laugh at ourselves, if we can cultivate the childlike attitude Jesus entreated us to incorporate, we then set the stage to share laughter with our children. They realize that laughing is part of a healthy home because we’ve given them permission to giggle at life. Mark Twain once said, “Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.”2 Some of my happiest moments with my children involve shared laughter, particularly around the dinner table. It’s infectious, creating even more laughter.
6. Watch funny movies; read funny books. Sometimes shared laughter doesn’t emerge from our circumstances as much as it arises from our shared experiences with media or books. We’re a Princess Bride family. We enjoy watching funny movies together and quoting the lines. We’ve read Amelia Bedelia and Mrs. Piggle- Wiggle together and all burst into giggles. Part of the fun has been remembering those times and repeating funny lines.
7. Find humor in spite of reality. Pamela has the best laugh I’ve ever heard— the kind of laugh that ignites a stodgy theater full of people. When I first met her, I decided she must have had the happiest life of anyone I knew. Not true. For years she and her husband struggled with infertility, yet through it all, she laughed, even amid her tears. One summer Pamela and I sat at a picnic table surrounded by mountains. “I went through my last procedure. It failed,” she said. We cried together. But a few moments later, we were laughing. One year later, on the shores of a Canadian lake, we were dedicating their baby boy to the Lord—an adopted miracle.
Pamela still laughs; her laugh is accompanied by a giggle from her son. I love her ability to laugh despite her circumstances; it reminds me of the words, “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want” (
).Since I tend toward pessimism, Pamela’s example is one I hope to emulate, especially in my parenting. Whether or not my children obey, my hope is that I can still laugh and still be lighthearted and joyful. This ability comes only through my heart’s close proximity to the God who created laughter in the first place.
8. Sing away the blues.We are a singing home. Sometimes I’ll sing rules to the kids. Sometimes I’ll recite on-the-spot poetry, eventually setting it to song:
Sophie’s room is a big, fat mess.
I have stepped upon her dress.
If she does not clean it now,
Her mommy may just birth a cow.
We watch musicals and wildly weird computer-animated vegetables and belt out tunes at appropriate moments: “My Favorite Things,” when a thunderstorm hits, and “The Hairbrush Song,” when our children have lost something. Singing, like laughter, breaks tension and lightens the atmosphere. We’ve cultivated a similar taste in music, so that when we drive down the road in our oh-so-cool station wagon, we can crank up U2 and croon all things Bono.
9. Recount and create embarrassing moments. Our children love to hear about our embarrassing moments. When Patrick recounts his first day of public school— seventh grade, no less—when he was the only boy wearing overalls, our children laugh. Our telling of embarrassing tales helps our children realize that making mistakes and looking foolish are just part of life. The blessing of embarrassing moments is laughing about them later.
We have a friend who specializes in creating embarrassing moments. Once, during a patriotic movie, he stood up in the theater and led the entire audience in a spirited rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner.” Really!
While eating with Sophie one day at school, I teased, “Sophie, what would you do if I stood on this lunch table and sang a song—really loud?” I didn’t, of course, but it scared her out of her wits to think I might actually do it. Sometimes, inviting the possibility of embarrassment can bring humor to a boring or monotonous situation. Obviously, it is important to gauge the moment. It is never good to intentionally embarrass a child.
10. Enjoy the health of humor. Instilling laughter in our homes is a prescription for health. King Solomon—the wise man of wise men—extolled the virtues of an upwardly turned mouth:
All the days of the afflicted are bad, But a cheerful heart has a continual feast. (
, NASB)A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. (
)
Teaching and living these verses will affect not only our physical well-being but our stress level as well. It’s nearly impossible to feel stress when we laugh. Consider the health benefits of humor:
• Humor therapy has become a new way of dealing with stress.
• Jonathan Swift said, “The best doctors in the world are Dr. Diet, Dr. Quiet, and Dr. Merryman.” As pioneer parents, we need to visit Dr. Merryman at least three times a day!
• Adults laugh about fifteen times a day—much less than children.
• Laughter releases endorphins. It also reduces muscle tension, stimulates the heart and lungs, and increases the oxygen level in the blood.
• Laughter stimulates the immune system, even activating T cells.3
• Bill Cosby said, “If you can laugh at it, you can survive it.”
11. Surprise! Spontaneity is an important element of healthy family life. My children know I am a jumpy person by nature, easily startled. So they jump out at me at surprising moments. They love to watch me scream or see my parcels fly helter-skelter. Patrick and I sometimes pretend we’re serious when we’re not. When our children ask, “What are we going to do today?” we sometimes answer, “Eat lima beans” or “Run around the house in our swimsuits.” We try to keep the kids guessing and, when appropriate, surprise them.
12. Don’t take yourself too seriously. My mom often gave me the sage advice that it’s not good to take yourself too seriously. I still struggle with taking myself too seriously, especially concerning my parenting—which is serious business.
My friend Jeanne learned the surprising truth that laughter bursts forth even during serious parental moments:
Once I was lecturing Luke about something he’d done wrong. I felt like I had to instill a godly perspective in his heathen little head, and I put on my best holy face. I really thought I was getting through to him. He kept staring so intently at my face as I spoke. Then, right in the middle of my speech, he reached up, spread his tiny fingers into a V, and pinched my nose between his index and middle finger! I busted out laughing, lost my train of thought, and said, “Luke! Why’d you pinch my nose?” He laughed too and said he didn’t know. I hugged him and left the room. End of lecture. Beginning of camaraderie with my son.
If we long to train our children for life, it’s imperative we cultivate laughter. Without it, we may produce pious children but not children who will scramble onto Jesus’ lap.
Through a difficult childhood, the painful years of healing, and your current season of parenthood, may you be able to sing—with a smile on your face—“The joy of the LORD is [my] strength” (
). And may that song of laughter become the song of your family.Excerpted from Building the Christian Family You Never Had by Mary E. DeMuth, copyright 2006. Published by WaterBrook Press. Used with permission.
