How Important is Compatibility?

Recently somebody left a comment saying she was considering a relationship with an older man who is serious and introverted. She, on the other hand, is more carefree and extroverted. She’s wondering if their different personalities might be problematic if they were to become a couple.

It’s a great question to be asking before she enters the relationship.

Compatibility matters—especially when it comes to the big issues, such as faith, number of children desired, and the way in which the household would be run.

But how important is compatibility when it comes to relatively smaller issues? Maybe the question ought to be, what do you envision your daily married life looking like and how far are you willing to stray from the vision if you find someone who doesn't share it? Will your family be involved in politics, community service projects, and various church activities? Or will your family be involved in sports, dance recitals, and scout troops?

I won't presume to tell you what level of importance you ought to place on compatibility when it comes to the smaller issues, but by thinking about them objectively right now, you might save yourself a lot of heartache later. But with that said, I don’t think we should discount a potential spouse simply because his or her personality or lifestyle preferences are different. As long as the other person is a believer in Christ, and as long as you are on the same page regarding the big things (children, authority structure, theology, etc.), then the small things can be worked out.

Married people often say they have to compromise in order to make their marriage work. And they most certainly do. Good compromise is willing to ignore irritating habits and forgo a few lifestyle preferences while taking an interest in some of the things the other person is interested in. I have a friend who married in his early 30s who tells me that God uses the good compromises he makes in his marriage as a way of sanctification. If both people in a marriage practice good compromise, I suspect their marriage will flourish. Maybe Julie can comment more about that.

Bad compromise, on the other hand, gives up core values. If two people have a different set of core values, then best not to get married because eventually one person is going to have to cave in on one or more principles he or she considers sacred. That’s never a good idea. 

So, can two people with differing personalities be a good fit? They certainly can. But I think we ought to be more concerned about a person’s character than his or her personality. If you are considering someone who has a personality that is opposite of yours, but he or she shows a pattern of loving God and loving others, then you may have found what you’ve been looking for all along.