They Chose God Over Giving Up

“I lost myself in chasing the marriage,” Denise Jenkins recalls, “and not getting anything in return. And I, so at that time, I felt so just hopeless and so empty.” Her husband, Sylvester says, “I always kept my guard up, always stayed on the edge, always trying to figure out a plan B during the process of our marriage, because I felt like at a certain point in time she was gonna leave me.” Denise confirmed, “When he deployed, I had already paid for the divorce.”

Sylvester and Denise met while both were in the Army. Quickly bonding over common ground, they fell in love and married in 2011. Both had a child from a previous marriage…. As well as emotional wounds. Denise says, “I had gotten married when I was 19, and it was a very physically and very emotionally abusive relationship. I really thought I was worthless, honestly. It's absolutely something I did not share. I kept those walls up.” Sylvester was also wary, “When it came to her just wanting some sense of intimacy or connection with me. I was like, nah, if I drop my guard, she gonna do me just like the last woman did.”

It didn’t take long for the marriage to unravel. Sylvester says, “We was no longer communicating, talking, that was never, like I stated before, no real level of connection or intimacy.” Denise recalls, “Those things manifested in all of those ways in arguments in, you know, the silent treatment in full, full out, you know, fights.” Although both were Christians, at that time, neither made God a priority. Sylvester says, “I felt like was so consumed dealing with my job and just trying to get everything together, dealing with my career, being a protective provider. And I got overwhelmed to the point that I was like, I don't have time for church anymore.”

In late 2012, just before Denise’s Army contract was up, the two decided to have a child together, hoping that would help their marriage. Denise says, “I did think it would make us more aware and maybe more committed because there was children. That meant for me, I'm willing to stay in this marriage, even if it's horrible. I'm willing to, for the sake of our children.” Over the next few years, their family grew. But as they focused on their kids, Sylvester and Denise drifted even further apart, each blaming the other for their empty marriage. She recalls, “I really believed that he was just cold, that he did not love me. He was never gonna show any type of emotions ever. I struggled with it all throughout our marriage because I wanted it so bad.” Sylvester says, “I disregarded anything that she said when it come to her feelings and emotions. So, It was just a constant battle between us on a daily basis.”

By 2018, as Sylvester prepared for a yearlong deployment to Kuwait, their marriage was all but over with divorce papers waiting to be signed. She recalls, “When I discovered that he was deploying, I was like, this is my time to just build myself up. This is my time to prepare to be a single parent all over again. This is the time I can take to heal all the wounds and just let it go.” Sylvester says about that time, “It instantly put me in experiencing having a flashback of my first marriage. At that moment in time, my heart started racing. I noticed a level of codependency. So, I was like I don't want you to leave. You know, even if it's bad, I just still don't, I just don't want you to leave me.” For those 12 months they had little contact. Sylvester says, “For me, I'm just like, man, I just don't want to deal with any type of problems, any type of issues outside of what I got going on now, dealing with this deployment.”

When Sylvester returned in 2019, the couple was barely speaking. Yet one thing did change, they both agreed that the family needed to get back to church. Denise recalls, “My prayers were sounding like, ‘God, whatever you gotta do to just help me to change my heart, you know, to heal all this hurt.’ And although I wasn't praying for my marriage to be restored, I wasn't praying to be back with him. I just, there's just something in me that I just wanted to be right with God.” Sylvester says, “It was never to like really reconcile the marriage, but I said, if we giving up on each other, let's not give up on God.” In addition to church, Sylvester and Denise joined a Bible study, where they felt safe and loved. There they learned practical tools to improve their marriage. Sylvester says, “We was able to learn more about our roles and positions as husband and wife. How we are supposed to love and nurture one another. Praying with your spouse, doing devotion, these are things that we never truly did together.” Denise recalls, “I was like, God forgives, you know, God is not holding anything against him. Why should I, I don't have the right to either. I started to see someone that was wounded too, that was hurt too. And someone that didn't know how to navigate that. Someone who needed Jesus, just like I needed Jesus.”

Over the next year, their marriage was transformed, their walls slowly came down and they learned to love each other again. Sylvester says, “We started to feel a strong level of connection, a strong level of intimacy with one another. It was like, man, we had dropped our guards.” Denise recalls, “I wanted to know more about him. I wanted to hear more about how he felt. You know what I mean? I really started to have compassion, and I guess, love. My heart was softened again for him.” And those divorce papers? Denise says they got lost over the years. She says, “It was almost like they did disappear, but I don't know what I did with it. Divorce is now not an option. It feels so good to say that, I know that’s not an option.” Today, Sylvester and Denise enjoy taking what they learned to help other couples create a Christ-centered marriage. Sylvester says, “We took the opportunity to pray together, families that pray together, husband and wives who pray together, you have a 1% chance of divorce.” Denise implores, “Run to God. I don't care how you look, what it feels like, the lies that the enemy tells you, run to God. Surrender everything and watch how He turned things around for you.”