Man Finds Life Change in Restaurant Bathroom

I was 24 years old, just been arrested for abduction and robbery. Facing 25-to-life and I could only think of one way out. I tied the sheet to the bar, and I created a noose on the other end. And so, I put the noose around my neck, and I jumped off the second row bar, thinking I was going to hang myself and that was going to be the end of my struggle, the end of my pain.

How did I get here?

My dad was a strict discipline man. He didn't play no games. My mother would spank me hard, a lot, and I felt like I, at times I was being abused. I found acceptance with my crew and hit the streets looking for freedom. I was drinking at 9, smoking weed at 12. I didn’t have any guidance. The only person I thought loved me was my grandmother. She loved the Lord. She taught, instilled the Word of God in me as a child. I knew that love existed through my grandmother.

But with everything else going on, I was angry and always getting into trouble. I was all in the streets. I was selling drugs. I liked the lifestyle, you know, of danger. I always carried guns you know it gave me an adrenaline rush. Then in 1997, my grandma died unexpectedly, and that just sent me into a rage. I got angry at God. It's like, "How could you let my grandmama die when she loved you all her life?" So, every time I got angry, I will be violent to someone.

For the next few years I was in and out of jail for different things. Then in 2000 I got busted for abduction and robbery and looking at life.  I was depressed, angry at myself and afraid. That’s when I tried to hang myself. The noose broke. And then they took me back and put me back in the isolation observation cell again. And I said, "I need a Bible." Because I remember that how my grandmother was, I remembered that she used to be in the Word and how the Word would bring her so much joy.

So, I started reading my Bible and for the first time I started having hope. Then, one day I said to God, "Not my will, let your will be done with my life." I said that. I said, "I ain't going to pray to get out no more." I said, "I'm going to give my life to you. I surrender.”

God proved himself to me. Because instead of serving time, I was given probation and a suspended sentence and I walked out of jail that day. I knew He was real. I knew He was not just real for my grandmother, I knew He was real for me. For a while I was straight. I got clean, got a job and an apartment.  But people were still talking bad about me because of my past.  So, the day my probation ended I went back around my friends to show them that I cleaned up. I changed. I wanted acceptance from my crew again. But that came back to bite me because I didn't have enough to take, to be able to say no to one puff. I didn’t have what it took to stop.

It was within six months I lost my apartment. I lost my self-dignity.  I would use drugs as a way of an escape of trying to run from God, because I couldn't stop my thoughts when I was sober. My thoughts were still, "How could you - how could you disappoint God?"

Now I was doing whatever I could to escape the shame I felt. I thought there was no way God would take me back or forgive me after what I’d done. I ended up selling my body to boys to get money for crack. I sliced open my chest with a knife and filleted my chest open.  I stabbed myself with the ice pick coming through my skin. Self-mutilation myself. So angry at me. And I lived like that for 3 years. Then on June 26, 2006, I stumbled into the bathroom at a fast food place to get a drink of water and when I looked up in the mirror, brother, I tell you, it scared me. I seen death looking at me through my eyes. I said, “Jesus, if you real, like you was real to my grandmama, for real, I need to know you for real, for myself”. I said, "I apologize for hurting you, for disrespecting you.  Please come into my heart, Lord, change me. Change the way I think. Change the way I-I-I look. Changed everything about me that you will get your glory through my life." It was Jesus Himself, man. He saved my life. Everything was brighter when I opened my eyes.

Right after that God led me to Victory Gospel Chapel. They let me take a bath gave me some clean clothes, some food, and a bed.   I slept for two days and when I woke up, they started training me how to be a mighty man of God. Change came after me staying in the Word, getting connected. Me feeding myself the Word of God. And that started changing my life. And not just my life! God restored my relationship with my parents, and I lead them both to Christ.  God replaced my anger with His love and acceptance. Today I’m a husband, a father, and a pastor trying to share God’s love with everyone I meet. At one time I was really hungry for acceptance, but now I know that I'm accepted by God. God saved us to use us so He can save others through us.