Family Bonds and Boundaries

CBN.com - RICHES AND RELATIONSHIPS

The only things we can take to heaven with us are the relationships we have built with those we love on earth. Jesus said we should lay up treasures in heaven for ourselves (

And these are our true treasures--our relationships, particularly those with God and with our spouses.

Paul said to Timothy, "We brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out" (

). We own nothing; we are stewards of all things. And of all the things we have on earth, the only things we can take when we leave are our relationships. Put this priority on relationships into sharp focus in your life.

If you will keep your relationship with God healthy, He will help you keep your relationship with your spouse healthy. The closer we get to God, the closer He helps us get to each other.

Single people can certainly build healthy relationships-- with neighbors, friends, coworkers, other single people. And those relationships can become the source of that person's security, someone they can call when they need comfort and help.

The true treasures of your life are wrapped up in the people you love and the people who love you.

MARRIAGE: A CONTRACT WITH THE STATE OR COVENANT WITH GOD?

In God's sight, marriage is more than a piece of paper at the courthouse, more than just a legal document. If you are a Christian and you are married, you are in a covenant relationship with your spouse. It is a living relationship between the two of you and between each of you and God.

Your love of God and each other forms a strong bond or attachment that ties the two of you together and ties each of you to God.

A covenant in the Bible was a solemn pledge one person made to another. We have the example of the old covenant and the new covenant which God entered into with His people.

Both of these covenants were sealed with blood: the old covenant, with the blood of the Passover lamb; the new, with the blood of God's Son Jesus Christ.

Marriage is a covenant between two people. It is different from a contract, because a contract is linked to performance. The marriage covenant is a pledge or solemn promise that two people make before God and it is the true, theological basis for a marriage. We adhere to the piece of paper that goes to the courthouse to conform to the laws of the state.

This strong, loving covenant between married couples needs to express itself in a daily, loving relationship in marriage for the sake of your children. Children who have seen such a model in their family are more able to form strong, loving bonds with others when they grow up.

UNDERSTANDING CHRISTIAN MARRIED LOVE

I believe that God gave me this definition of Christian married love years ago:

Christian married love is the persistent effort on the part of two people to create for each other the circumstances in which each can become the person that God intended, a better person than he or she could become alone.

Notice that Christian married love requires effort. We dress "love" in the fantasy of evening gowns and tuxedos with silver and candelabras. Most of the time Christian married love comes dressed in overalls--it is practical, down-to-earth, everyday hard work. It is really thinking of the other person and doing what that person needs, as well as being there when he or she needs you to be there.

In premarital counseling, we need to confront couples with the practical realities of married life. There is the initial reality of the honeymoon and wedding night, when nothing works out quite right and you are learning to be together. That is followed by a period of learning each other's idiosyncrasies, developing patience with each other, and accepting each other's mannerisms.

The real advantage that Christians have is that we not only have human love to give each other, but also the love of God that is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit--a divine dimension of love we have to share with one other (

Wives generally want five things from their husbands; romantic affection; conversation; a good provider; commitment to the family; and spiritual leadership.

Husbands generally want five things from their wives-- a recreational companion; an interesting and exciting sex partner; a good homemaker; a good mother for the children; and to be admired.

SPIRITUAL-PSYCHOLOGICAL BOUNDARIES TO PROTECT MARRIAGES

We are living in a society that is very hostile to marriages. One out of every four first-time marriages ends in divorce and about 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce.

It is imperative to build some boundaries around your marriage to protect it, such as:

1. Boundaries of time and space. Every couple needs time alone. You need a special place you can go together and you need to set aside date nights, date weekends and other times you can be alone and devote yourselves to nurturing your marriage.

2. Boundaries to protect our marriages from our parents. Unfortunately, some people are more fulfilled with parenting than with marriage, and such parents want to be so close to their children even after those children are married, that they interfere with the children's marriages.

This interference comes most likely at three points in marriage: at the beginning of marriage when learning emotional separation from parents; when the first children come; and when aging parents require our care.

3. Boundaries to protect our marriages from our peers. Many adulterous relationships are formed among best friends. You are with each other often and sometimes you get careless in your conversations and behavior. Set boundaries to stay away from becoming too suggestive, avoiding double entendres, and things that can lead to flirting.

We must set boundaries around the way that we talk with our friends and the way we show affection with them.

4. Boundaries to protect our marriages from our jobs.

Protect your marriage from job "spillover." Do not bring irritations and frustrations from work into your home.

Not only bonds, but also boundaries are important in a Christian family. In American society, there is a great emphasis on independence, but this is neither biblical nor practical. The Bible stresses the interdependence of the body of Christ; every member needs each other.

And the Bible teaches that the family unit is more important than the freedom of any member of the family-each member of the family needs the others.

Parents should begin early teaching each child that he or she is unique. Try to be as unbiased as possible in your relationships with your children, not comparing one with the other, but treating each fairly and lovingly.

Another way of teaching children that the family is more important than any member of it is to reward cooperation with other family members, and to punish failure to cooperate and help each other.

This is really where discipline and punishment enter the picture. They are not the same. The goal of punishment is to eliminate undesirable behavior. The goal of discipline is to reward desirable behavior. When children cooperate to get a job done right, reward them. Discipline is designed to reinforce desirable behavior.

Above all, you should model character and good behavior for your children. Model for them a devotion to God. Model responsibility, honesty and a good work ethic. When you see the children imitate those things, reward them. The reward should be mainly praising them and telling them how proud you are of them.

First of all, be fair with your child. You establish fairness by simply putting yourself in your child's place, asking yourself what limits would be fair if you were a 4-year-old, 8-year-old, or teenager.

Second, be firm about keeping the fair limits that you have set. It may not be easy, but if you know the limits you've set are fair, you should be firm in enforcing them. Finally, be friendly as you firmly enforce those fair limits.

GUIDELINES FOR YOUR CHILDREN

From the time your children are young, cultivate in them a pride about being different and not being embarrassed about their Christian faith. Patiently reinforce the value of being unique and not just being carbon copies of their friends.

Be certain that they get the message that "different" means "unique," not odd or strange. Put satisfaction in your children for being unique and not afraid to swim upstream or stand out from the crowd in our increasingly commercialized culture.

Here are some of the ways that Christian families are different:

1. Christians see a relationship between responsibility and freedom. When adolescents are responsible for the freedom they have, give them more freedom.

2. Christians understand the importance of choosing friends carefully. Young people should choose friends that bring out the best in them.

3. Christian families save sexual expression for marriage. This is the biblical and the healthy choice to make. "Just say no" is a wonderful position on sexual expression before or outside of marriage.

4. Christian families guard their children against drugs and violence. A healthy brain is essential to your health and healthy spiritual functioning.

5. Christian families monitor carefully the music they listen to and what they watch on television. Building these characteristics into your family will make it strong. They will make yours the kind of family your children's friends will find attractive. This will put you in a good position to tell your children that Christian living is different, but different in a positive way.

Family Bonds and Boundaries

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