When God Delivered Me from Suicide

“Look at you. You think you've got everybody fooled, but you know what you are, you're not a good father, you weren't a good husband, you're an alcoholic.” Jamie Vaughn remembers the dark thoughts that plagued his mind. “You're, you're an addict. You're all these things. And if you really want, do your daughter and the world a favor, you'll end it right now.”

Jamie was abandoned by his parents after his birth. He was adopted by his grandparents and at a young age he found self-worth and a sense of control in martial arts. He says, “I totally allowed this to shape my identity 'cause I didn't have one, you know, I grew up without a, a dad in my life. I didn't have that male influence, living with a sense of that abandonment from your parents, especially a father that really hurt a lot. ‘Why doesn't he love me?’ Right? ‘Why doesn't he accept me?’”

His grandparents took him church, but his identity and purpose came from his time in the dojo. His commitment there turned into a successful career which led to coaching MMA fighters and his induction in the us martial arts hall of fame. “I put my identity in success of whatever I did.” Says Jamie, “And every time I would get what I was looking for, it didn't fulfill me. So I was constantly looking for something else. I couldn't be successful enough. I couldn't have enough money in the bank. I had everything I had ever really wanted, had security, I had all that. And then when the whole world crashed it, none of it was worth anything to me.”

His world crashed in 2011 when his wife Amanda, who had a long term heart condition told Jamie to call 911. He says, “I was in the middle of the call, and she fell on me. And at that point, I'm on the phone with 911, performing CPR on her, my daughter was standing there with her mom's Bible praying over her mom, begging God to spare her. And I'm trying to do everything I can do. I've trained my whole life everything from, you know, martial arts to military, to just everything, to have this world that I control, I couldn't save my own wife. I couldn't save and protect my daughter from that pain. In that moment I felt completely out of control.” Amanda died in his arms. Jamie’s illusion of control perished with his wife. Over the next year he began abusing alcohol and prescription drugs. Anything to dull the pain. Jamie says, “I was so dependent on this stuff. I became a person I never thought I would become. I didn't even recognize that person. I had my daytime self. I'm a mentor to these kids that I teach martial arts to. I'm a coach to these guys that fight for me. But then there was another side to me. I don't even know what I've become. But here's the big deal. I didn't know how to get out of it. I didn't know how to stop.”

He did his best to hide his vices while living a double life and struggling with addiction.  Then, one day while out on his property target shooting, his mind was flooded with guilt and thoughts of condemnation. He remembers his thoughts, “Look at you. You think you've got everybody fooled, but you know what, you are, you're not a good father, you weren't a good husband, you're an alcoholic. You're, you're an addict. You're all these things.  You're right. I'm just, I'm just a miss. I'm a failure. I am. I don't need to be here anymore. And that's when I took the weapon and I put it in my mouth and I pulled the trigger, And I'll never forget this, when I pulled the trigger, it clicked. And when this thing clicked, something in my head clicked. I was like, I, I don't, I don't want to die. And I dropped on my knees. I'll never forget that. And I’ve done all the sinner’s prayers and all that other stuff. But in that moment, I really talked to God and I was like, God, I'm a mess. I'm, I'm just jacked up, messed up. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. And it's a wreck. But if you can do something with it, you can have it. 'cause I can't live like this by myself anymore.”

Jamie says God met him in his moment of surrender. “I fell on my knees, a broken wreck of a person. But I got up a child, of the living God, peace flooded, joy flooded. Something happened inside of me. And I can't explain it, you know, it's, it is way beyond emotions and feelings. Something just happened that I was like, this is real. And I never really experienced that in my life. I experienced religion, but not the Holy Spirit. He gave me real life in that moment. It was joy that I had not really ever experienced. It was a fulfillment I've not ever experienced.”

A moment later, as he cleared the gun the shot fired. Jamie knew God had miraculously spared his life. That day, he found freedom and a new identity in Christ - as he put his future in God’s control. Jamie says, “And so everything just became alive, you know? So as I began to just walk with God and it was like, it just, these changes began to fall off one after the other, after the other. What I found in him was what I really wanted. And this other stuff, except this was real, it wasn't counterfeit. So there's no going back for me. When he gave me a new purpose, it gave me new desires. And not that I don't love and appreciate everything martial arts has given me, but man, I wanted to serve God full time.”

He has since remarried and now works in ministry - encouraging others to find their peace, purpose and identity as a child of God through Jesus Christ. “If you want real peace, you gotta meet Jesus. He's the one that brings peace. He's the prince of peace, all that stuff. But you really gotta meet him and you really have to trust him, and you really have to obey and walk with him on a regular basis to really get that.” He says, “The stuff that I tried to get peace from and cover up and feel for all those years, I found it in him. He really is my father. When I pray, I'm praying, like Paul said, Abba, like little children like daddy. That's how I look at him. Because what I found in him is like, man, is this what it's like? I'll stay right here forever. This is good.”