Complete Forgiveness Was Needed to Save His Life!

“I had reached a level of success I had never known in my life, and yet there was this apathy that overtook my life when it came to my work.”

At 55 years old, Steve Supe was in great shape and had a life most others would envy.
He was reading through his journal when an entry from a few months before caught his attention. In that entry was a memory from Steve’s childhood. At seven years old, he’d attempted suicide twice and didn’t know why.  

“I was very happy, super grateful, but I couldn't seem to get past why I was suicidal at the age of seven.”

Steve met with an advisor and discussed his difficult childhood. 

“My mom was the one who ruled the house with an iron fist. She would literally provoke my dad to anger to get him to beat us. She was tyrannical. It was a very abusive situation in a lot of ways.”

The two prayed and meditated, asking God for answers.

“And in that, two shadowy memories came back. One was being led down a hall by my hand as a 3-year-old child. And then the other was about the same age of where I was fighting to keep my clothes on. And so, I believe that in that moment, God showed me that I was sexually molested by my mother. 

Steve knew to move past the trauma, he had to forgive his mother, but he couldn’t reconcile the gaps in his memories.

“One of the biggest hangups I had trying to forgive was the fact that I couldn't remember everything. How can you fully forgive if you don't know what happened? I was being tormented by my inability to forgive.”

Despite the prayers of Steve, his wife and close friends, he couldn’t move past the hurt and anger.  He even worked through a book on healing abuse and wrote down the things he could remember, hoping to break the cycle.

“I was just desperately praying, ‘God, would you please help me? Would you please help me to get free from this?’ I was like, I can't remember, so, I can't fully forgive. It wasn't an unwillingness to forgive. It was a struggle of ‘How do I forgive?’”

Steve had been wrestling with this unforgiveness for five months when he went for a routine physical.

“She's checking me all out, ears, throat, all this stuff, and she starts checking my heart rate. And she's like, ‘You need to go to the emergency room right now. You're in AFib.’”

Instead of going to the ER, Steve got a second opinion and was told he should undergo a procedure to correct the problem. Even then, Steve was doubtful it would help.

“I knew it wasn’t going to work because I knew my heart wasn't healed. When I was diagnosed with AFib, I was praying and I felt like the Lord spoke to me and said, ‘Steve, I'm gonna heal your physical heart when your spiritual heart is healed.’”
Steve underwent the recommended procedure and then another a month later. But, as Steve had predicted, neither corrected the problem. 
Desperate, Steve asked his friend, Reuben, a pastor, to come and pray with him. Steve told him what he remembered about the trauma and Reuben explained that remembering everything wasn’t the key to forgiveness.

"It was like, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. God can give you the grace to forgive. And that was very freeing. He prayed over me, anointed me with oil, and he said, ‘Here's what I want you to do: I want you to go home. I want you to read it. I want you to forgive everything line by line. And then I want you to put it in the fireplace and burn it.’ And so that's what I did. It was a conscious decision to forgive my mom at that point.”
finally, a breakthrough.

“I really just felt like God met me and gave me the grace to just fully forgive and just let it go. It was a tremendous relief. I really felt a lot of release and a lot of peace.”

Afterwards, Steve spent several hours alone with God in worship and prayer. 

“The presence of God in the room was so strong, if I had opened my eyes and saw the Lord sitting there, I would've not have been surprised, because it was just so heavy in the room that night. I felt spiritually healed. I had a lot more peace. I felt free for the first time in years. And I've been in normal sinus rhythm ever since.” 
Steve is back to enjoying a good run and his heart is finally at rest.

“Now I am free of it, you know? And so, I feel like I can be a better husband, a better father, a better, a better Christian. If you're feeling guilt, shame, condemnation over things that you've gone through, horrible experiences that have happened to you, or that you have done yourself, God can forgive, and that shame doesn't need to be your master. I got free because God set me free.”