In Pursuit of Approval, I Needed God

“I was moved onto the varsity team, very high performing team, they had won state championships. I'm the new kid in school. I've already got attention for that. Now I'm the sophomore that's starting on the varsity football team. It felt amazing. I mean, at the time because my standards of success were aligned with what the world would say is success, I thought I was crushing it on all measures.” Jack Knight had done it. As a sophomore he had made the varsity football team, but he soon learned that being accepted by the squad was about more than playing football. He says, “Their approval system is based on who can drink the most, who can push the boundaries the most with drugs, and who can get the most girls.” And Jack desperately wanted to fit in. As an Army brat, Jack was changing schools every few years when his dad’s new orders moved the family. In addition, his parents recent divorce left Jack searching for some acceptance and stability. He recalls, “And that actually came in a healthy way through football. But at the same time, chasing approval and affirmation that went to the other side of partying of drugs of girls. Once I figured out that incentive system, I went deep in that, and I mastered it.”

Almost every day after practice he and some of his teammates could be found drinking, watching porn and smoking weed. It wasn’t long before he was smoking weed before and during school. Jack says, “I started to chase those experiences over and over and over again.” Throughout his sophomore year, Jack was addicted to pot and binge drinking most weekends. He managed to hide most of it from his family and Rachel, the girl he had started dating. On the surface Jack appeared to be the perfect boyfriend, but that too was a facade. He recalls, “I felt no guilt or remorse whenever I was lying to her. I had such a need for love and approval in my life, but I wasn't willing to turn away from everything else that I was involved in to be the right guy for her.” As part of his ‘good guy’ image, Jack and Rachael attended church together and even went on a couple mission trips. “I wanted to present that image that Jack Knight is a Christian man. He's a football player, he's disciplined. And at the same time, I'm doing all this crazy stuff. God for me was there, but He wasn't someone that I knew, and He definitely wasn't someone that I followed.”

By his senior year, Jack stopped pretending and gave in fully to the drugs, alcohol, and porn. Just before spring break that year, he broke up with Rachael so he could enjoy a crazy week of partying. He says, “I remember she was crying in front of her house as I drove away. And that night I felt so tormented by what I had just done. But I woke up the next morning and hung out with my friends, smoked pot, back in my zone of comfort. It truly was all of the freedom that I was hoping for.” After barely graduating, Jack tried college, yet quickly flunked out. He moved back home and started selling drugs to support his habit. Jack recalls, “There was no lying any more. I'd fully embrace this identity that Jack is a drug addict. Jack is a pothead, and he's gonna go move to California to sell drugs.” 

Then one night after getting wasted at a party, 19-year-old Jack drove most of the way home before pulling over to sober up. He fell asleep and woke up the next morning to a cop tapping on his window. He says, “I knew I was so screwed. I had drugs in my car, open container. I was on a multitude of drugs at the time.  And he put me in the back of the cruiser, wheeled me over to jail and the entire way, I was just crying my eyes out.” While in a holding cell that night, Jack says God spoke to him. “He started to lay out for me, Jack, I've given you so much in life. I've given you athletic ability. I've given you education. I've given you family. I've given you a great girlfriend. I've given you all these things, but you're living life your way. If you live life for me, I'll give you a brand-new life. And that was the moment for me when I totally surrendered. I felt relief and I felt peace. I knew that God was on my side from that point forward. Even though I had no concept of what that meant, I just knew that I had decided to follow God.”

The next day after he was released on bail, Jack called Rachael and told her he’d given his heart to God. The two found a Christian discipleship class that taught them about their identity and purpose in Christ. During the first class, Jack received a powerful message. He says, “Once I realized what Jesus did on the cross for me to know me, that's when it started to click that wait, ‘I actually mattered to Him’. And just that realization of how much we matter to Him flows all the identity back into me that I matter as a son and that He wants to know me.”  Later, Jack pled guilty to misdemeanor DWI and was sentenced to community service. Growing in his relationship with God, he overcame his addictions with time. Jack also went back to college and earned his BA in health administration. Jack and Rachel married in January of 2020 and have a growing family. Today he is helping others find their identity and purpose when they surrender to God’s love. He says,  “Jesus is real. He's not this far off God who is religion and who is going to church and praying a prayer, going to Christmas, going to Easter services. He is a living God and He wants to be your friend, and He wants to be your father. And if you can move out of religion and develop true relationship with Jesus, you're gonna find everything you've ever been looking for in this life.”