When Faced With A Life Decision, Choose God!

CHILDHOOD TRAUMA

Melanie’s childhood seemed normal and uneventful until she was nine years old when her parents divorced. She decided it was her job to try to keep everyone happy. After the divorce, life with her mother, Suzanne, was unpredictable. As a child, Melanie didn’t know about things like borderline personality disorder and bipolar mood swings or realize that Suzanne took a handful of pills that kept her up and then brought her crashing down each day. For years, Melanie endured shame, criticism, and verbal abuse from her mother.

When Suzanne had married Melanie’s dad, she converted to Catholicism, but after the divorce, she started attending a small charismatic church. “While this whiplash church culture move gave me a foundation for having a real relationship with Jesus, it also gave me some religious trauma,” shares Melanie. 

Suzanne’s mood swings would take place often. Melanie remembers one time Suzanne renovated her room. She was so excited and thanked her mother for the redesign. A few days later, Suzanne exploded and accused Melanie of not appreciating what she had done for her and threatened to take it all back. This pattern occurred throughout her middle and high school years. As a result, Melanie’s relationship with her mom was an “exhausting dance of competition, envy, love, anger, laughter and tears.” Suzanne always let Melanie know where she wasn’t good enough. Melanie never knew when Suzanne would turn on her for no reason at all. She says, “Many of her accusations toward me were couched in religious guilt. Suzanne managed to convince me that God viewed me as one of His great disappointments.”
    
FINDING FAITH

In high school, Melanie did not understand what a healthy relationship looked like. She spent a lot of time creating drama and ruining friendships just like her mother. After graduation, she went to college where she struggled to make good decisions (alcohol and relationships). While attending Texas A&M, Melanie met Gulley who became her best friend. She too had a damaged parent who was not capable of loving her. When she talked with Gulley, Melanie felt understood and secure enough to begin examining some of the things from her childhood that she had stuffed down deep. Melanie was also invited to a Bible study which became a huge turning point in her life. People at the Bible study talked about a Jesus who was bigger than her baggage and moral failings. They assured her that Jesus did not view her as a huge disappointment. “The way Jesus came in and rewired the deepest parts of my trauma and insecurity is still the cornerstone of my life,” says Melanie. A month before she graduated, Melanie met Perry. They began dating after college and married in August of 1997. He too played a large part in her healing journey. 
                                            
LEAVING TOXICITY BEHIND

When Melanie and Perry decided to start a family, she got pregnant right away. Unfortunately, Melanie had a miscarriage. Seven months later, she became pregnant again. Suzanne who was now in her third marriage, attended Melanie’s baby shower, but was on a lot of prescription drugs (opioids and antidepressants). At the shower, Suzanne wrote Melanie a check for the baby’s crib. Melanie thanked her for the gift. A few minutes later, Suzanne wrote a check to Melanie’s sister for the same amount and said, “This is for you because at least you’ll 
appreciate it.” Melanie never had the right reaction for her mom because she could never gauge Suzanne’s reaction. 

Her relationship with her father and stepmom was strengthened after Caroline was born. They took a very active role in her daughter’s life. Meanwhile, Suzanne visited only a couple of times during Caroline’s first few years. When Melanie’s mom did come around it was stressful due to her toxic words and behavior. To avoid any future emotional damage, Melanie considered walking away from her relationship with her mom. She sat down and wrote a six-page letter on the computer about how she was tired of Suzanne’s manipulation, anger, and lies, but she did not send it. 

Melanie was determined to be the mother to Caroline that she’d desperately wanted for herself. She and Perry wanted their daughter to be raised in the freedom to be exactly who God made her to be, but they also knew generational cycles had to be broken for that to be accomplished.

The final blow in her relationship with her mother came after she and Gulley went on a road trip. Melanie had posted about it on her blog the night before. The next morning Suzanne called and left a message about how selfish Melanie was because she had not stopped to see her grandparents on the trip. She lashed out at Melanie for no reason and even said she was fine with ending their relationship. The message left Melanie feeling broken. She prayed over the next several weeks and felt confidant God was telling her she was free to walk away from the relationship…so she did. The decision was not an easy one because she did love her mom. At times, Melanie often second guessed herself and wondered if she was being too harsh to end the relationship. However, the more distance she got from her mother the more she realized how destructive Suzanne’s behavior patterns were for those around her. 

MEAN GIRLS

Little did Melanie know she would witness mean girl dynamics in Caroline’s life during her sophomore year in high school. Over the course of a few weeks, Caroline’s friends turned against her and decided to make her life miserable. Her sports team did the same leaving Caroline devastated. During this time, God enabled Melanie to help her daughter by recognizing patterns from these girls that were familiar with her own mother. She was able to explain to Caroline that the behavior of these girls was not a reflection of who she was or anything she’d done. As a result, Caroline generated a resilience and strength that allowed her to refuse to be a victim as she chose to trust God. Melanie encourages parents who are facing similar situations to be a safe place for their children and show them that their identity and security are found in Christ.  

HEALING AND SAYING GOODBYE

For thirteen years, Melanie did not have a relationship with her mother. She knew that everything her mom had done and said to her through the years had been out of her own woundedness and brokenness. God gave Melanie a spirit of tenderness toward Suzanne so that she could forgive her.                    

In 2023, Melanie’s sister let her know that their mother’s mental and physical health was in rapid decline. Suzanne had developed a very aggressive cancer and was given about a month or two to live. Melanie prayed and asked God to give her direction if she was to go see her mom. Although she was at peace with her mother, she felt God say, “This isn’t about your peace. It’s about hers.” Although she did not know what to expect, Melanie went to see Suzanne, and they had a pleasant enough conversation for about an hour. A few days later her mother passed away. Melanie is thankful God healed her wounds and allowed her to raise Caroline to be a warrior. By doing so, Melanie says, “God broke a generational cycle that had previously told the women in her family to find their value in everything but His love.”

For more information on Melani Shankle click the LINK! https://TheBigMamaBlog.com/

CREDITS

Will discuss her early troubled life, her relationship with her mother, and how she chose to live a fruitful life with her family and daughter.
3x NY Times best-selling author; latest, Here Be Dragons, (WaterBrook, 2025); Co-host of The Big Boo Cast, a weekly podcast which averages 40,000 listeners per week; Writes for her Big Mama blog; Received her bachelor's degree in speech communication from Texas A&M; Married to Perry; Adult child: Caroline