Secret Shame Healed by Worship and Purpose

Angie says, “I hated myself. I hated living. I hated waking up in the morning. I wanted to die in my sleep.”

For seventeen years, Angie Foxworth battled suicidal thoughts. Although she was raised in a Christian home, she still struggled with deep insecurities about her physical appearance and sense of belonging.

Angie recalls, “I stood out because I did not look like my siblings growing up. I was the skinny one. My complexion was even different. The length of my hair was different. And I always wanted to look like them. I felt I didn’t fit in.”

Her older brother teased her relentlessly even telling her she was adopted. At night, she would beg God to make her look like her siblings.

Angie shares, “It created a sense of I’m not good enough.

At 14, Angie began dating college men, craving the attention she mistakenly thought was love.  By her senior year, she became pregnant and married the child’s father. After the birth of their child, she began going to church with her husband and gave her life to Christ. However, emptiness and rejection lingered. Two years into their marriage, after the birth of their second child, Angie discovered her husband’s unfaithfulness. It confirmed every lie she believed about herself.

Angie remembers, “It reinforced the low self-esteem and the self-hatred. You don't deserve to be loved. I lied to myself and made myself believe that God didn’t know and God didn’t care.”

Shattered, Angie stayed believing this was all life had to offer. By 22, she and her husband had five children, yet she felt more unseen and unloved than ever. Trapped in silence, her life spiraled into survival mode.  A decade later, after giving a man a ride, Angie was raped. Traumatized and broken, she believed her life didn’t matter and that even her children would be better off without her. What followed was a relentless battle with suicidal thoughts, where death felt like her only escape.

Angie recalls, “I felt the darkness. I lived in the darkness. The enemy said to me, nobody loves you. I said, nobody loves me. Every time the enemy said, this is the day, do it. This is the day I'm gonna do it. I didn't just think about, okay, it's time to kill myself. I actively engaged in the process of doing it. I needed to escape the life that I had been living in this dark hole and feeling like I was less that nothing.”

The tormenting thoughts however, continued. After divorcing her husband, she focused on raising her children, yet the emotional pain remained. Years later, she remarried, hoping for a fresh start, only to face more betrayal and abuse. Desperate to escape, Angie devised what she believed was a foolproof plan to end her life. She checked into a motel, laid out goodbye letters and swallowed poison with pills.

Angie shares, “And I said, God, ‘I know I'm not gonna see your face. In hell I will lift up my eyes. And for that, I'm sorry.’ And that was all I said. And I laid there waiting to die.”

When nothing happened, she got in her car, intending to crash it. Instead, she was found slumped over in a parking lot by a doctor who called 911.

Angie recalls, “I died. No heartbeat. No pulse, no siren. Called into the hospital that I died. And the doctor said to the EMT worker in the back of the ambulance, ‘Not Today.’ And he began to work on me and by the time they got me to our local hospital here, there was a slight pulse.”

After a week on suicide watch, Angie was released. Then three years later, broken and desperate for peace, she began going to church. One Sunday as the worship team sang, Angie walked to the altar and surrendered her life to God.

Angie remembers, “And I began to just cry. And I said, God, ‘I don't want this anymore.’ And I told God, ‘I'm sorry for everything I give you all of me.’ All I heard was, ‘My child. I love you.’ I felt God enveloped me with His love. I had never in my life experienced that before. All of the lies were broken. I knew I was good enough. I knew that God created me in His image, and I was not junk. I knew that I deserved to be loved, and I knew in His arms that I would never attempt suicide again. God delivered me that Thursday night in July, 2012, I was set free.”

Angie’s marriage to Shawn has been beautifully restored by God’s grace and is now a source of peace and joy. Angie is an ordained minister, mental health coach and advocate. Through her podcast, “Real Talk Angie,” she shares her journey to help others find hope and healing in Jesus Christ.

Angie says, “When life knocks you down, as we say in life starts lifing and you feel like you’re drowning or just can’t make it just stretch our your hands. Just receive Him. Trust God. That’s all He wants you to do. Give Him your yes and trust Him. He’s got the rest.”

To find out more about Angie Foxworth click the LINK!  and to purchase her book Life After Suicide: A Journey of Deliverance and Hope click the LINK!