The Cost of His Badge Was Too Much to Bear—Until He Found a Savior

“The anxiety was terrible.” Harold Tisdale Jr. recalls, “I didn't realize, that I was struggling with it until I would get in my patrol car and I wonder if someone gonna kill me just for sitting in my patrol car.” 

Harold became a Georgia state trooper at 22 years old. He loved his job and took pride in serving his community. He says, “My entire family is in law enforcement, my mother and my dad, my uncle, my little brother. And it was what seemed like a way of life, being able to help people and seeing how my dad helped a lot of people in his time. And it inspired me.”

Harold says his training gave him confidence to handle any situation. “They filled us up with pride and assurance of ourselves, knowing that we put on that badge and we hopped in that blue and gray patrol car that we were the best. They wanted to train us, so that we were sure of ourselves, that we knew that no matter the traffic stop or the car chase or the incident that we could hold our own.

That training and self-assurance was put to the test in 2012 while pulling over a man who had been driving erratically. Harold says, “(HE) takes me behind a gas station, then another alley, abruptly parks. And he comes out the car with an AK-47. And, that was probably the, one of the worst moments of my life. So I drew my weapon and I started firing. And then he went down.” The gunman survived the and was arrested. Harold was unharmed physically, though the trauma took a heavy toll emotionally. “I suppressed those emotions. I held those emotions in. I'm a, I'm a trooper. I'm a Georgia trooper at that. I'm sharp. I'm tight. The world can't see me cry, my wife can't see me cry. My brothers in law enforcement, can't see me go through those hurtful moments, crying out for help.  And so I held those emotions in. And next thing you know, my heart was hardened. My heart was hardened.”

After years of working roadway fatalities and violent encounters with criminals, Harold’s personal life began crumbling. He hid his anxiety from his wife and turned to alcohol to numb the pain he was going through. “I go home and I got all these thoughts and these emotions and these feelings from just trying to do my job.” Says Harold, “And so when my wife needed me to be there, I wasn't there. I couldn't be there. My emotions wouldn't allow me to be there. Fighting these internal battles, all I knew was that I worked, I provided for my family. And when I got off work, I was gonna drink some alcohol.”

Night terrors kept him from sleep. He eventually saw a counselor who diagnosed Harold with PTSD, anxiety and depression. Harold was forced to retire. “All I knew was the patrol.” He says, “All I knew was the write tickets, give warnings, help people, kiss babies, love on them. That's all I knew. And now you're telling me that I can't, how do I provide for my family?”

He began smoking marijuana daily in hopes of calming his nightmares. It didn’t work. Still struggling with PTSD and now lacking purpose Harold was overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide.  He says, “And I heard a voice saying, just do it. Just do it. And I never heard that voice before. I've never heard just do it. And I said, ‘Do what?’ And I heard, “the gun is right there.’ I just began to scream, ‘no, no, I can't. I can't. I can't.’ I can't. I'd never heard that voice before in my life. And so I text my wife, I said, ‘Babe, I am so sorry for everything I've done. I said, I'm so sorry for the pain I've caused. I'm so sorry for the frustration. I'm so sorry. Sorry for the embarrassment. I am so sorry for everything that I have done.’”

Harold resisted the temptation to harm himself that day. Then, new years eve 2017 he joined his wife at a church service and heard a message that changed his life. “I heard the Gospel, I heard how much God loves me. I was filled with joy. I was filled with hope. I was just so excited from what I had heard. I had never experienced it before.” Says Harold. “I came to Jesus broken, filled with weed, filled with Tito's, filled with pain. And he saved me.”

Harold says God began healing his emotional wounds and set him free from the addictive behaviors that failed to bring lasting peace. “He took the taste of alcohol and marijuana out of my mouth. The Holy Spirit healed me. My heart had been captivated. My soul had been saved and I wanted more. I didn't need marijuana to go to sleep. Nightmares gone. As I learned about the goodness of Jesus. Depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts gone, gone. Jesus fills every hole in our heart. And he says, come to me all who are weary and heavy burdened I will give you rest, rest for your soul.”