Broken, Defeated, And Dead — Until God Gave Me Another Chance

“I had an empty void in the inside that I would fill with, other people's compliments,” Jed Hill said. “Just completely self-medicate with any mood, mind altering substance. I wanted to be seen, heard and known by my father – I never was.”

In the mid-2000s, Jed Hill was a rising star in college football. With filled stadiums of thousands chanting his name, the future was set to be one of fame and success. However, it wasn’t the love of the game that drove him, but the desire to be loved by his father.

“I remember the times that we would come home and my dad would be in a mood and start beating us and hitting us,” Jed said. “I thought love was something earned. The reason why I played football was because, when I was younger, I would play backyard football with my brothers. I’d notice how happy my dad was when he'd see us catch a pass. I didn't even like football, I just did it because I hoped that one day my dad would say he's proud of me.” 

Even as Jed was in the running for the NFL, his father refused to acknowledge his accomplishments – and then tragedy.

“I make the tackle and my own teammate hit his helmet into my ankle, and the bottom of my foot was touching my shin,” Jed said. “First thing I screamed is ‘Why, God? Why would you do this to me?” That took me out of being entered into the draft or even trying out. I went through a nine-month rehab. I felt empty, just completely empty. I felt useless. One moment you feel on top of the world, and the next moment the world feels like it’s on top of you.”

While working to rebuild his body, he was approached by a modeling agent at the gym who offered him a gig. Jed soon found himself on the covers of countless fitness and fashion magazines, eventually becoming an actor in Hollywood. But even as the stars aligned, he still craved for his father to take notice.

“I would come home and it was everybody else who was so excited to see me,” Jed said. He would just sit in the corner and look at me and sometimes shake his head like I had done something shameful. I remember how bad that hurt. I would get compliments from other people. They’d tell me how great you look. Then again, I’d be left just feeling empty and still hurting.”

As Jed was driving his motorcycle to an audition for a movie, a car ran a red light causing him to crash. Once again, all his ambitions were derailed in an instant as he was taken to the hospital with broken ribs and a shattered jaw.  

Jed said, “That was another moment in my life where I cried out, ‘God, why did you do this to me? Don't play in my life. My life is going so good, I don't need you.’”

He was prescribed opioids during his recovery, eventually becoming addicted. He started selling drugs and stealing so he could score more. Finally, arrested and sentenced to prison, Jed was ready to end it all.  

“I just wanted the pain to go away,” Jed said. I tied the sheets around the top bunk of my cell that night, and I tied three knots underneath my neck, tucked my feet underneath the bottom bunk. I leaned forward and took my own life.”

Jed awoke in the hospital six days later after having died and been resuscitated. As he sat in bed, wishing he hadn’t survived, a nurse did something that changed everything.

“She said, ‘Jed, if you can really be honest, your life can be different.’ She handed me a little New Testament Bible,” Jed said. “I remember just sitting there just starting to think about being honest, how I’ve been lying to myself, covering everything that I’ve been through in my life, not letting anyone in to know what I was going through. My view of a Heavenly Father was so clouded by my earthly father that I wanted nothing to do with Him, even though my mother would make us go to Sunday school and church sometimes. So, I remembered some of the verses growing up. I turned John 3:16, ‘That whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.’ I was tired of perishing, and I wanted to be a whosoever. I wanted to feel the love and the compassion I had never felt before. And that moment broke me. I said, ‘God, I give you all that I am, it's not much. I give you all that I will be, do something with it.’”

Reading The Word and praying daily, Jed committed his life to Christ. Now a pastor, Jed doesn’t worry about the approval of his earthly father anymore. Instead, he serves His Heavenly Father by leading others to Jesus.

“I had to apologize to God,” Jed said. “He didn't make me a drug addict. He didn't cause my father to abuse me. I had to reveal this void in my life and give it to Him, and now the Spirit of God dwells inside of me. I was preaching and my dad came to the altar, and he accepted Jesus into his heart. I've forgiven him one hundred percent. I love him. Now that I have my son, he’s a miracle, I'm going to love him and remind him of how proud I am, even over the small things, because I know what that feels like not to feel that. God has a redemptive plan in spite of where you’ve been or where you think you're going. He has a redemptive plan to redeem you, restore you, renew you, and to make you belong.”