The Relationship Dr. Answers Your Questions
Question: Dr. Hawkins, I have been with my fiancé for the past year and a half. We have been engaged for the past 5 months but ever since we got engaged things have been a lot different. I have started to notice that we are fighting a lot more over nonsense and a few characteristics I really do not like. I know I cannot change him or try to but is there anything else I can do? I am also a very affectionate person yet he is not. Often when I cry he will pretend I am not and not even mention it. I want him to be a little bit more affectionate and caring or at least show it. Or am I being to hard on him and should I just wait? I just need some help.
Dr. Hawkins: Thank you for writing. Yes, there is a lot more you can do, and asking for help to change damaging patterns is the first thing to do.
You are voicing the feelings of many who are caught in vicious cycles of fighting, often over trivial matters. How many times do we fight and bicker—a form of verbal violence--over something so small that half way into the fight we’ve forgotten the very thing we’re fighting about? Or, as has occurred in so many marriages, we slip easily into exerting our power, trying to “win” an argument, only to be embarrassed at our childish behavior later. The Apostle James says that the cause of arguments and quarrels is trying to get our way. We don’t have what we want, and so fight to get it.
I wonder if you and your fiancé have slipped into some bad habits regarding fighting. Since you are fighting over “nonsense,” it is time you and your fiancé sit down and acknowledge these destructive patterns that can be changed. Meet at a time when you’re both calm, and agree to:
- Set an agenda to your conflict—name the issue you’ll address, and set a time limit on it;
- Agree that one person talks at a time, and the other listens;
- Honor each other’s point of view, even if you don’t agree with it;
- Talk respectfully to each other;
- Guard your tongues against escalating comments;
- Call a time-out if things begin to escalate—never continue a conversation when too angry;
- Seek win-win solutions.
Remember, you can “win” an argument, but lose the relationship. What is more important? Also, remember that you must choose your words carefully every day, and that your words will either be instrumental in encouraging your mate, or destroying them. Which do you really want to do?
Finally, you state that you’d like more affection in your relationship. Waiting for it to naturally occur is foolish. Letting him know that this is important to you is the only way things can change. Again, the way you share this information with him is critical—tell him at a time when he is most receptive to hearing you. Share it with concern, conviction, and calmness. Treating him with respect is the best way for him to respect you.
Question: Dr. Hawkins, what should be done when two people's emotional needs clash? Celebrating "romantic holidays," particularly Valentine's Day and New Year's, is very important to me (as it is for most women). However, my boyfriend hates celebrating these holidays. After a couple of fights, and several attempts to tell him that it would mean a lot to me just to receive a card for v-day, he gave me a card when he returned from his business trip (which unfortuantely, was scheduled during the holiday). However, even after the holiday occurred, he keeps stating how much he hates celebrating those holidays, and Christian holidays are far more important to him.
Thanks for writing. In my thirty one years of marriage counseling, I’ve never met two people who have exactly the same emotional needs. We all have different needs and desires—and this doesn’t have to be a problem.
Dr. Hawkins: How can two people with different emotional needs ever be compatible?
Easy! Loving relationships are built upon sacrificial love and healthy communication. This is a topic discussed at length in the Bible. One scripture says we are to love one another deeply, from the heart. (I Peter 1: 22) One translation says we are to love each other mutually. The responsibility to love our mate is clear, and the best way to love them is to meet their legitimate needs.
What can you do to navigate your two different emotional needs?
One, be clear with one another about your differences. Remember, a person’s needs are not right or wrong—just different. Don’t get caught in moralizing the rightness or wrongness of someone’s needs.
Two, accept the legitimacy of your mate’s needs. If this is their need, this is their need. Validate their right to want what they want without telling them they’re wrong to have the need. Of course, you have the option to negotiate for something that feels good to you as well.
Three, develop a positive attitude and mindset about meeting each other’s needs. When two people give up their power struggles over needs, and set out to meet them as best they can, good things happen. Look for positive, upward conversations rather than downward, destructive spirals.
Finally, catch one another doing things well. Nothing is as encouraging as encouragement. Pretty profound, huh? There is a term in psychology called “successive approximations.” That means, whenever either of you make attempts to meet the others needs, notice it, reinforce it, encourage it. Guess what? That will increase the likelihood of it happening again. How cool would that be?
P.S. One Message Board responder asked about a good book on boundaries and codependence. Using a little shameless promotion, check out my best-selling book, When Pleasing Others is Hurting You. I’d love to hear what you think.
