Marriage Advice: Creative Time Together (Part 2)

CBN.com -- Last time we looked at a couple, Joan and John, who had trouble finding time to spend enjoying each other. Specificlly, we addressed the topic of communication. This week we look at some possible solutions four couples: Creative Time Together. If you missed the last installment or are new to this column, click here.

Creative Time Together

The presenting problem shows that Joan and John have fallen into a trap many couples face, traveling spouse or not. Their relationship has a routine and lacks excitement, variety and a creative use of time together—which is especially important due to their limited time together. While John is working very hard and providing for Joan, the first change he must make is to draw some boundaries and make Joan a priority on the weekends when they both have time “off.”

Sometimes when I travel, I am gone weekdays, other times weekends — occasionally both. When Chuck was off weekends, I made it a policy that my weekends were his. I did not make any plans until I knew what he wanted to do. Once in a while he wanted to go for a bike ride with his friends or go build something with a buddy. On those days, I do my projects. Otherwise, I do whatever he wants.

Often when I am writing, Chuck’s schedule is extremely varied. Some weeks he has been working seven days in a row. One week, he found out the day before that he would have the next day off. I had that day scheduled to be out of the office writing. At first I said I could not “play” with him that day, as I had to write. Then I realized what good is writing on marriage if my own marriage is not my priority. Fortunately, with his irregular schedule, I am self-employed. I put my writing aside and took the day off. We slept in—got out of bed around 11:00, had a late breakfast and went rollerblading for three hours. We went to lunch around 3:30 and took a sunset motorcycle ride that evening. Chuck appreciated that I made him my priority and spent the day with him doing whatever he wanted.

John needs to do the same thing for Joan. Since his weekdays, and part of the weekend, don’t involve Joan, he needs to make some sacrifices for his marriage. From his own experience with his wife and his travel schedule, Gene recommends, “John must place a priority on spending time with Joan. He needs to focus more on her, rather than playing golf every Sunday. John should try to consolidate as much work as possible during the week, leaving only a minimum for Saturday.” If John makes this adjustment, spending more time with Joan, they can probably reach an agreement that would allow John to still golf with his buddies once or twice a month, with Joan getting the other days.

Even if John does not change his priorities and carve out more time to spend with Joan, the time they do have needs to be more creative and stimulating to both of them. Gene says, “Rather than follow the same routine, they need to explore some new activities. Joan needs to arrange a Saturday evening to attend a play or a concert, visit a museum or spend a romantic evening together at a favorite restaurant.”

Chuck suggests that they take turns making the decision on how they will spend whatever time they do have together. Once the activity has been decided upon, both must agree to go for it with full enthusiasm. For example, Joan may prefer the symphony more than John may—most women do. So she might select that for their evening out. John needs to go without complaining and make the best of it. Likewise, Joan needs to go to a football game without complaining if that is something John might choose to do.

I enjoy going to our symphony’s performances, but I especially enjoy them when they are outdoors. Chuck is OK with the symphony as an activity, but really dislikes any activity that is indoors and likes almost anything that is outdoors. Four times a year the New Mexico Symphony plays outdoors in the clamshell at the zoo. The attire is casual and people bring a blanket or chairs and sit on the lawn with a picnic. These outdoor concerts are a good compromise for us. To make it extra special, I prepare a terrific picnic menu and pack everything up. Chuck gets out the red wagon and we load it all into the car. At the zoo our little red wagon attracts a lot of admiration as Chuck pulls it to a grassy spot loaded with the chairs, blanket, picnic basket and cooler. We agree that lying under the stars listening to Gershwin is about as perfect as a summer evening gets.

Chuck does the symphony for me. I go on motorcycle rides for him. He has a Harley Sportster—if that means anything to you, you know it is not a comfortable bike for long rides. His has a little button like seat on the back fender that is for passengers. When we go for longer rides through the mountains with a destination of a famous motorcyclist hangout for lunch, I find myself hanging on and praying, “Oh God, help me have a good attitude.” It must have worked, now I am the one suggesting that we go on a motorcycle ride—and that destination has really good burgers!

We often go for hikes—picnicking at the waterfalls. Yesterday, Chuck told me, “Next day off, I want to go to Santa Fe.” Whenever that may be, I’ll be delighted to join him. Santa Fe has great restaurants!

For Chuck’s birthday, I wanted to do something very different. I had been on the road and was scheduled to come home in the middle of the day on his birthday (rather than the night before). I had to take his personality into consideration. I thought about throwing a surprise party. But his personality doesn’t go for that sort of thing. I thought of having some friends over for dinner. But Chuck has been working such long hours, I knew he would not want to have to be “up” for a bunch of people, plus his birthday fell on a work night. I had to think of what would be special for him. I know Chuck likes picnics and his work schedule has prevented us from doing that much this summer, so that is what I planned.

I had “happy birthday” flowers sent to him at work telling him to hurry home. I got home in time to prepare a lovely picnic dinner: Grilled chicken Caesar salad with a croissant and favorite beverage, and fresh brownies for dessert. I packed it all up with our portable picnic table. A friend took me up to the top of the petroglyphs (cliffs overlooking the city) where I set up the picnic, arranging his presents around the table. I had left a card at home for Chuck telling him where to come. As soon as we saw Chuck driving toward the petroglyphs, she left. I was alone when Chuck got there. We ate dinner and watched the sunset in one direction and the lights of the city come on in the other. We had a lovely evening! We both agreed that we needed to do that more often.

When John and Joan plan their special activities together, they need to take into consideration what they like to do together and individually. Perhaps Joan could learn to golf so John can still golf, but they could be together—or she could just drive the cart.

As it is so easy to fall into a rut, there are many books available that offer creative “dates” for couples. Simply entering the word “dating” on Amazon.com brought up over 1600 books. Two I suggest are by Dave and Claudia Arp: 10 Dates to Revitalize Your Marriage and 52 Dates for You and Your Mate. Joan and John might want to get one or two of these books and spend one evening reading through the ideas and selecting a few that they both agree sound like fun.

Another issue of concern found in the presenting problem is that it appears that Joan and John do not have any spiritual connection. Church attendance should be one of the activities that they do together as their Christian life offers the foundation for their marriage commitment. In their current situation, with such limited time together, they might seek out a church with weekend worship services offered on Saturday night as well as Sunday as many churches now offer. Attending on Saturday night would leave their Sunday morning free for their personal quality time. While this may sound somewhat heretical to some, I think God would honor the decision to encourage a healthy marital relationship.

Even after Joan and John work together to improve their communication, talk about their concerns, and spend creative time together, they may find that they are still suffering from lack of time together. In fact, once they really start to enjoy each other again, they may find that they both resent John’s traveling even more. Since Joan is a schoolteacher she may be able to join John on some of his trips during the summer. Jo traveled with Ray from time to time. She says, “We tried to work it out so that I could go with Ray occasionally, but Ray eventually decided he missed being with me more than he enjoyed the prestigious title and the hectic schedule it required. When an opportunity to change positions presented itself, Ray took it in order to cut back on travel time. He was highly respected in his industry, and when he answered the question about why he took a demotion in his career, he answered truthfully, ‘To spend less time on the road and more time with my wife. Our relationship is more important than anything.’ Every man hearing that has told Ray they admire him for doing it. We are thoroughly enjoying having more time together.”

While every traveling man or woman won't look at the situation as Ray did, they need to value the feelings and insight of their partner in marriage and respond with care and love. Chuck and I lived in two different states for five months. I drove back and forth most weekends. We tried hard to make it work. But it is very difficult to have a marriage when weekends are all you have together. Amanda said this about her long distance marriage: “Troy was a national sales manager. He left Monday morning and come home on Friday night—it was hard! After a year, he went to work for someone else, and we’ve made sure never to live like that again. It was way too hard on the relationship.”

Many couples live this way long term. Others, like Amanda, make it through a few months of a temporary situation. Whichever your case, we hope the insights offered here will help you love each other extravagantly—to give, not to get.

If this is the first installment of this column you have read, we encourage you to click here to read previous articles.

Marita Littauer is the author of 13 books and is President of CLASServices Inc. She can be reached through www.classervices.com.

Chuck Noon is a licensed professional counselor specializing in marriage. Chuck is married to Marita Littauer.  For more information visit: www.chucknoon.com