Getting Along With Difficult People: It's Not as Hard as it Seems!

CBN.com -- "Sometimes I wish I had never taken this job," my friend Andrea whispered one Saturday as we walked along the beach debriefing after a busy week. "Why do work relationships have to be so difficult? Bob...you know the vice principal I've been talking about," she explained, "he has something to say about everything I do! I know I have a lot to learn, but I feel like a child when he's around. Why cant he give me a little room to breathe? It's my classroom!"

I knew the feeling, if not the situation. I had worked for a difficult woman years ago who simply could not turn over authority to anyone. She gave me an assignment and then looked over my shoulder to the point that I couldnt get anything done.

At home many of us face similar obstacles. We share our lives with people who say they care about one another, but they cant seem to get along.

In the condominium where my husband and I live, two of the owners dont speak to one another and havent for some years. Each says the other is difficult. They have no intention of bridging the gap or healing the hurt. They simply avoid one another and grit their teeth when they must face each other at a homeowners meeting or during a middle-of-the-night fire drill! What a way to live.

We all encounter difficult people, demanding situations, and disappointing circumstances in every area of life--in marriage, in friendship, at work and in the community. Its part of being human. We cant avoid it.

But we can do something about it. And we dont have to leave our mates, quit our jobs, or move out of the neighborhood to get relief. What does it take to face and deal with difficult people--including our own difficulties? Consider the following steps toward healing and restoration.

1. Make the most of your differences.

We usually attract people who are opposite of us. The leader-type enjoys being friends with a person who is peaceful and dependable. And the serious, thoughtful individual likes the stimulation that a playful, outgoing person provides. These differences, however, can also create friction. The strong personality wants things done immediately and doesnt understand why he cant have his way right now. The reflective person wants to think things through and look at all the odds before making a decision.

If we see these differences as gifts, however, instead of difficulties, we can make the most of them. At home, for example, we could look to our spouse and children for their unique viewpoint--instead of trying to convince them of ours! And in our communities, we can learn from people with a perspective we may not have had before. Its largely a matter of standing back and looking for the strength in the other person and then drawing on it.

Or in some cases, it's important to let that person know how we feel. For example, my husband, once a customer service rep for a large company, encountered difficult people all day long. He came home exhausted and depleted every night, until one day while reading a passage in Galatians (6:9) he did a complete turn. "Do not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

I saw the light come into his eyes when we began talking about the verse and what it could mean in our daily lives.

"I've decided to reach out more," he said, "and see what might happen." The next day a woman came up to the counter in a negative mood. She snapped at Charles regarding her bill and glared at him while he brought up her account information on the computer.

"Has someone treated you poorly today?" he asked, smiling. "You seem upset. Let me assure you I will do my best to take care of your situation before you leave."

In that moment her face softened and she confided, "I just came from kidney dialysis. I dont feel so well."

My husband was taken back by this unexpected statement. "Im so sorry," he said. "I had no idea...".

The woman interrupted him with a wave of her hand. "Its really OK," she said, smiling. "Its what I have to do if I want to live. I didnt mean to take it out on you."

Charles came home that evening jubilant! He had reaped the harvest Paul spoke of in Galatians. "Im going to approach my job in a totally new way," he said. "I now see that everyone has problems and pain--everyone. If Im willing to proceed on that basis, I wont take things so personally, and maybe I can even do a bit of good--by showing Gods love."

2. Be willing to communicate instead of confront.

It took me awhile to get this one. I thought that every time a friend and I or one or my children and I had a disagreement I had to confront him or her. Now I see that all I have to do is ask to talk things over and promise to listen. I cant believe the difference this has made in my relationships.

Jason, a friend of mine, said he put this into practice with his boss. He asked the manager for a month to complete an assigned project on his own--so he could show the man what he could do using his own talent and creativity. Up to that point, his supervisor had had an annoying habit of dropping 'suggestions' and 'ideas' for Jason to consider. Jason said his boss was so disarmed by his forthright, yet respectful proposal that he granted it on the spot. "It was amazing to see our relationship change for the better after that," said Jason. "I was on the verge of quitting. Now I actually look forward to new opportunities at this company."

3. Face your own flaws with humility--and humor.

My mother-in-law enjoyed telling our family about an incident early in her marriage. Her young husband complained about her cooking, using the old saw, "No one can cook like my mother...".

"I decided to fix him," she said with a glint in her soft blue eyes. "Instead of fighting and becoming defensive, I enrolled in a cooking class. I was only seventeen when we married so I figured I had a few things to learn. That marked a turning point in our life together. I became a good cook and he never complained again. In fact, he was my biggest fan from that point on!"

Ada found that a little humility--and humor--went a long way as she learned some valuable lessons about marriage and about cooking!

5. Create a new blueprint for relating--instead of relying on the old one.

Most of us get stuck protecting, promoting, or defending our behavior instead of looking at what doesnt work, why it doesnt work, and what we can do to get it working! People who want to heal the difficulties are willing to toss out the old plans and draw up new ones. If you usually joke your way out of a serious situation, drop that approach and go to the person with sincerity and honesty. If you are one to cry when things feel overwhelming, try a little humor. Show the person another side of yourself. Catch him or her off guard. Introduce some new element that will show your willingness to do whatever it takes to start over.

An example from Scripture comes to mind. When the apostles tried to shoo the children away from Jesus, because they thought He was too tired, He admonished them. "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these" (

).

He was instructing His closest followers in a new way. He used this experience to teach them that the old, formal behavior between adults and children was no longer the norm. His kingdom required that even adults become like little children--innocent, tender, and teachable.

6. Look to God for guidance.

The most comforting aspect of dealing with difficult people is that God is in charge. He is in the business of restoring relationships. He wants restoration even more than we do. And Hell direct our feet if we listen and obey. "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go..." (

).

Dealing with difficult people--in a loving way-- is not for those who are more focused on judging others than in taking a fresh look at themselves. Its for individuals of courage, commitment, conviction--people who want no less than all that God has for them, as well as for others.

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This article was first published in The Lookout in February 2001.

Karen O'Connor is the author of 38 books, a retreat speaker, and writing instructor from San Diego, California. In March she received the 2002 Special Recognition Award at the Mount Hermon Christian Writers Conference for her years of writing and mentoring aspiring writers.