The Marriage Motivation You Need!

FOUR DECISIONS

Right from the introduction of her book, Arlene states clearly that she can’t promise to make marriage easy, but can offer a number of tools to make it easier, which have worked for her and her husband, James.  “Since neither of us are superheroes, sinless saints, or emotionless robots, what we’ve learned in the past twenty-five years about creating a happy marriage can be replicated by anyone – and that’s good news.”  Arlene shares four decisions they made which have helped them build a good marriage, ones she believes will help anyone.
 
Decision 1: “Play by the rules.  Pre-decide what you will and won’t do.  Don’t follow feelings; follow the commands of God.”  The Pellicanes’ rules include such things as eating together every day, having no taboo topics for discussion, learning new things, and prioritizing marriage over children, appreciating the physical aspect of marriage, speaking kindly and listening well, and staying committed for life. 

Decision 2: “Give thanks every day.  Marriage is about appreciating what and who you have, giving thanks always to God.”

Decision 3: “Serve your spouse.  Ask, ‘What can I do for you?’ instead of ‘What have you done for me?’”

Decision 4: “Take fun seriously.  Be playful again.  Laughing and having fun is what brought you together and it will help keep you together.”
 
NOTHING UNSPOKEN

“Marriage should be a safe space for open, honest, dialogue,” Arlene says.  “Unresolved issues and emotions can lead to doubt, disappointment, and resentment.  Engaging in difficult conversations can lead to greater understanding when couples pray beforehand and present concerns with humility.” 

An opportunity for such a conversation took place when she and James were dating, while graduate students at Regent University.  As they sat holding hands near the ocean, he told her he wanted to talk about something … but wasn’t sure how to do it.  Assuming it was something romantic, Arlene assured him that he could say anything at all to her.  Then out of his mouth came the words, “Arlene, have you ever thought of electrolysis?”  He then explained that it would quickly take care of the few little hairs above her lip.  Shocked and embarrassed, she stared in disbelief.  Though that night ended a bit awkwardly, Arlene soon made an appointment and took care of the issue.  She says that spoke volumes to James about her willingness to listen and respond to any issue he wanted to bring up.  Twenty-six years and countless conversations later, they continue to give each other the freedom to share honestly - and kindly - anything on their hearts.
 
CHILDREN IN THE MIX  

“Prioritize your marriage over the kids.”  This statement could easily be misunderstood, so Arlene explains what she means.  “Your kids should be important, just not all-important.  When faced with the choice between pleasing your kids or pleasing your spouse, you want to pick your spouse.  A strong marriage is one of the

greatest gifts you can give your children.  Kids pick up cues from their environment intuitively, and if there is trouble between Mom and Dad, their world will collapse.  But it’s not just an absence of arguing or tension that kids need.  It’s the daily proof that Mom and Dad love each other that anchors kids emotionally and allows them to venture out into the world with confidence.  Keeping your marriage a priority is an integral part of good parenting.” 
 
FINDING HAPPINESS

“If you are looking for your spouse to fill your happiness bucket, you will always be disappointed,” Arlene believes.  “It’s easy to say, ‘If my spouse would change, then I would be happy.’ That makes your current state of mind your spouse’s fault and absolves you of any responsibility. You’re off the hook. You don’t have to change. You don’t have to self-reflect. You don’t have to confess sin to God. All the work is on your spouse’s side of the table. This level of fulfillment is something only God can give. He is the source of our joy and happiness.”
 
TAKE FUN SERIOUSLY

Having fun together seems to come naturally in dating, Arlene, points out, but can get lost in the busyness of life.  Her advice is to make it a priority, just like more serious values.  “Now I don’t expect you to whistle like a fool all day or blush each time your beloved comes home.  But I do want you to place value on having fun.  Fun isn’t just for kids, star-crossed lovers, or couples with disposable income.  We all need a little playfulness in regular doses to make marriage easier.  Laughing and having fun is what brought you together in the first place and it can help keep you together in the years ahead.” 

Arlene highly recommends taking trips as a way to enjoy one another and make memories.  “Vacations don’t have to be expensive,” she says.  “Within four hours of driving, you most likely have somewhere fun to visit, whether it’s an historical site or a picturesque lake.  Don’t let the price of things keep you from planning something.”  She adds some advice in this day of ubiquitous cell phones.  “You don’t want to view your entire vacation through your phone lens or the lens of social media.  Vacation is about being together with your spouse, not about documenting what you are doing with your spouse to impress strangers on social media.” 

To find out more about Arlene Pellicane and purchase her book Making Marriage Easier click the LINK!

CREDITS

Bestselling author, Making Marriage Easier (Moody, 2025) / author of several other books, including Parents Rising, and Screen Kids, co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman / speaker on marriage and family for conferences and events / host of the Happy Home podcast / spokesperson for National Marriage Week (February 7-14) / appeared on many media outlets, including The Today Show, Fox & Friends, Focus on the Family, Family Life Today, and the Wall Street Journal / BA from Biola University, MA from Regent University / happily married to James for 26 years, three children: Ethan, Noelle, and Lucy