Olympic Athlete Struggled to Find Purpose After Retiring

“A big part of gymnastics is pushing through that pain, pushing through that injury. I just really realized, you know, I'm not gonna get anywhere in life if I just rely on someone else to push me, so, I really pushed myself. I hated failure. I hated making a mistake on the carpet. I was harder on myself than anyone else.”

Mary Sanders was four when her dad started her in gymnastics. A former US gymnast himself, he trained her with one goal in mind - Olympic gold. She recalls, “I wanted to be like him and I wanted to make him proud. He always used to call me his 'little Olympian.'” Then, when Mary was 8, her father died from an aggressive bone cancer. Two years earlier Mary gladly asked Jesus into her heart. Now she was angry. She says, “I definitely felt angry at God when my father passed, I mean, what eight-year-old thinks that's fair, right? And not just losing a father, losing your coach, losing your idol. Like everything in that moment's just taken away. And how is that God's plan?”

Mary and her two brothers looked to their mother, Jaci, and their aunt, Corinne, for reassurance and to hold the family together. While they encouraged Mary to continue pursuing her Olympic dreams, both women stressed the importance of putting God first. Mary’s mom says, “God is the one we're really trying to please. Right? The results and judges aren’t really the main focus. As a child of God, you, you know, that's where your worth comes.”

Mary’s aunt, Corinne, recalls, “Talked to her about the Lord’s plan and keeping your eyes on Jesus.” However, Mary’s focus was still on achieving Olympic success. Mary says, “I always felt if I didn’t make it to the Olympics, I would be disappointing my father. Then when he passed, there was a new sense of pressure in that my mom's sacrificing everything for her kids. I cannot fail at this cuz what's it all for? So, I’m sure gymnastics did become my god for sure. I became obsessed with it.”

So, Mary pushed herself harder. She also switched from artistic to rhythmic gymnastics which, improved her national ranking. By the time she was 11, Mary was training and competing internationally. The training and travel were intense, expensive, and stressful on everyone. Her mom knew she needed more than just financial support. Mary recalls, “I'd be very lonely. And sometimes it, it just felt like it would never end. But my mom always would pack Bible verses in my suitcases, ‘Be bold, be strong for God is with you.’ ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.’ I always had constant reminders of God in my life and that was because of my mom.” Mary’s mom says, “I wanted her to know that, you know, God loved her and He was going to be there for her and whatever she was doing.”

Finally, on her 19th birthday, Mary’s and her father’s dream came true as she represented the US at the 2004 Olympic games in Athens. Even though she didn’t medal, it was a proud, bittersweet moment for Mary. She says, “I performed four floor routines and didn't make any mistakes. And I remember my last routine was a club routine and I just did this big fist pump at the end. And I just pointed up and I was just like, thank you. Cuz I knew it was my dad and God watching down on me.”

After the Olympics, Mary retired from gymnastics and got a job as an acrobat with Cirque Du Soleil. While she enjoyed performing the constant travel brought back the feelings of isolation and emptiness she had had as a young gymnast. For the next ten years, Mary struggled to find her purpose. She recalls, “I would find myself just staying in my room, just trying to recover physically and just mentally emotionally exhausted. I found it difficult to really put God first in my life during that time.” Meanwhile, her mother and her aunt continually prayed for Mary’s safety and direction. Her mom, Jaci, recalls, “I was really praying a lot for her on that tour. Even when you can’t see it or you don’t know, He’s there, He has a plan.”

In 2009 Mary finished her Cirque Du Soleil tour and freelanced with them for the next few years. As she tried to figure out what to do next, Mary slipped into a depression. Mary recalls, “I didn't have that next purpose that I knew that would bring me like, happiness. I felt like such a failure because I couldn’t get a job and I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to do next.”

Unable to find work and tired of struggling to make her own way, Mary turned back to God. As she spent time in her Bible and got plugged into a church, she began to realize that her worth didn’t come from her achievements, but through her identity in Christ. She says, “Finding my faith again, and finding that happiness in my family, and that centeredness really helped me get to the next day and, and understand, you know, God is full of blessings and plans for us. So, I think if we acknowledge that, you know, sky's the limit.”

She married David in 2018 and the couple have two kids together. Mary has since written her memoir, 9 lives by 35. Mary says, “In writing my book, I've had to peel back the layers, peel back a lot of the hurt and deal with those, pray with for that healing and, and move forward. And I think that's been very therapeutic for me. I think I absolutely still have goals. Definitely. I just don't think I measure myself or my happiness on those goals.”

Mary has had a number of careers in her short life, yet she’s quick to point out it was only through Christ she found her worth, purpose, and fulfillment. She says, “When I was at my most lost periods, I wasn't praying. I wasn't, you know, giving it to God. Whenever you're in transition in life, it's even more important to lean in and pray.”

To discover more about Mary Sanders, please visit her website: marysanders.ca. Read about Mary's journey in her book: 9 Lives by 35.