The Fight for Her Life: God vs. Depression

“I never thought in a million years that suicide would become a temptation. It's not that you want to die, but you do want the pain to stop.”

As a child, Laura Gallier grew up emotionally neglected, alone, and without faith. Throughout her unsupervised teen years, promiscuity became Laura’s secret life. Laura says, “sexual activity started for me in the eighth grade ---I went the way of boys. I said I'm going to complete myself by the love of a male.” Laura continues saying, “I hated what I was doing, but I just felt helpless to say no at times. And that was really what that demonic in me would tell me is, you're the girl who can't say no.” Laura further explained the root of her behavior saying,” The issue of self, self-worth was the central issue for me. I had tied it to performance. And when you tie it to performance, you're striving. When you're striving, you're miserable. It's the carrot that you can never catch.”

At 20 years old, an unplanned pregnancy led to marriage—and eventually a painful divorce. Years later though, she came to faith in Christ and then met Patrick—a man who loved the lord and came from a godly family. They married quickly and soon began a teaching ministry together. Laura and her husband were teaching and ministering for years before Laura began to have any awareness of how broken she was. Then on April 8, 2019, everything changed when the couple was speaking before a crowd when her husband Patrick made a simple, honest remark about temptation — for Laura, it was like a dam burst within her. According to Laura, “I realized in that moment, something just flipped in me. Something changed. Something terrified me as he explained that even a godly man can have these temptations.” Within 48 hours, Laura was in counseling. Soon after, she was diagnosed with complex PTSD. What followed was four years of torment. She cancelled all speaking engagements as full-blown trauma and deep depression took over her life. 

Though she tried to hold onto the truth of God’s word—in her darkest moments, she considered ending her life. “it was a pain in my gut, like a, a turning knife in my gut. It was very painful. And just battling deep insecurities. My sense of identity just went out the window. I never thought in a million years that suicide would become a temptation. I couldn't even wrap my mind around that. But what happens is the pain was so great. It's not that you want to die, but you do want the pain to stop”, Laura describes.

Laura's emotional state continued to spiral. She became paranoid, combative. Fear twisted her thoughts and despite over 15 faithful years together, she was convinced her husband would leave her. “initially, all of my distrust of men came out on him, and I just could not process how to feel secure. And so, I would attack him and put him on the defense. I was volatile in a way he'd never seen one minute; I’m crying. The next minute I’m furious. It, it was very tumultuous for him” she says. Laura and Patrick would struggle through 4 years of turmoil in their marriage. However, when the couple decided to lean into each, rather than distance themselves, they saw a change. Laura says, “we became more vulnerable and started talking about things that we had needed to talk about in our marriage. Very personal things and, and views about relationships, vulnerabilities, our own inability, each of us in our journey to fully trust. After four years of this with my husband, we'd actually grown a lot closer. We're talking about emotions. I'm finally opening up about my childhood.”

There was no instant miracle. No dramatic turning point. Healing came slowly—grief by grief, layer by layer. In her darkest moments, Laura held onto the only thing she could: the love of God, and over time, she began replacing lies with truth. Verse by verse, she built a new foundation. Laura says, “as much as I wanted this miracle breakthrough moment where I go from horrible to elated and I’m good, it wasn't that. For me it was a gradual renewing of my mind.” Today, Laura is a restored wife, mother, and now grandmother. Her faith is deeper. Her identity is no longer in performance—but in the perfect love of her heavenly father. When asked about her relationship with god, Laura shares, “my relationship with god is so transformed because when the scripture says that god's perfect love drives out fear, that is literal, that is not a cute meme or a bumper sticker or something on a t-shirt for me. I know that I am a living, walking billboard that his love, perfect love will and can drive out fear.”

If you or anyone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please know you are not alone, and help is available, just call 988. 
You can also get your copy of Laura’s book, The Delusion at www.LauraGallier.com .