Cheryl Crofoot

Knapp

“Jesus, I’m in awe of You tonight.”

These words of praise were filled with gratitude as I gazed at the unfamiliar sparkle on the lake and the crisp azure sky that met it at the horizon. The trees were dressed in a crisp array of greens. Their uniquely shaped knotholes bestowed historic mysteries. My world changed in 30 hours — after wearing glasses for 50 years. Cataract surgery replaced triple vision with a crisp 20/20. I was in awe that I could see like never before — and for answered prayer.

When surgery was over and they wheeled me to recovery, I cried, “I can see!” Five minutes after surgery, even through the fog of a new lens, I could see clear letters on an innocuous sign. At my recheck the next day, the doctor couldn’t believe I already saw better than 20/20. He said, “Only by the power of prayer.” Prayers were indeed answered beyond my wildest expectations.

A blind man named Bartimaeus sat alongside the road and called out to Jesus, “Have mercy on me!” Jesus inquired, “What do you want me to do for you?” Bartimaeus answered, “I want to see”

; ; (NIV).

Jesus didn’t ask the blind man, “Why do you want to see?” Instead, He asked what He could do to serve.

Before surgery, the nurse anesthetist asked me, “What do you want me to do for you?” She didn’t ask why I wanted help. She was there to make me comfortable.

Don’t get me wrong — why can be a powerful word. But sometimes my why puts attention on my needs or feelings, rather than on serving God or others.

I know people who didn’t have positive outcomes with cataract surgery and some who have incurable illnesses. I had to make end of life decisions for both my parents. I questioned God, “Why have You given restoration to me and not for them?” This why put emphasis on me, rather than Jesus.

I want to see His desires for me with 20/20 vision, not through a clouded lens. God is teaching me to step beyond the why to get to the what. There is power in the what — Jesus asks me what do I want Him to do for me, and I need to ask Jesus what He wants me to do for Him. Looking for the what gives me renewed eagerness and passion to live out His will for my life.

My physical eyesight is being restored — my spiritual vision is taking new depth. The Holy Spirit is taking me on a journey to discover, “Lord, what can I do for You.” Not why.

I laugh when I recall how often I asked my parents, “Why?” I think youthful and spiritual maturity teaches when to replace why with what.

“Then everyone who has eyes will be able to see the truth, and everyone who has ears will be able to hear it.”

Isaiah 32:3-4 Close Isaiah 32:3-4 Then everyone who has eyes will be able to see the truth,  and everyone who has ears will be able to hear it. Even the hotheads will be full of sense and understanding.  Those who stammer will speak out plainly. OPEN VERSE IN BIBLE (nlt)

(NLT)

“If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light.”

Matthew 6:22 Close Matthew 6:22 "Your eye is a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is good, your whole body is filled with light. OPEN VERSE IN BIBLE (nlt)

(NIV)

Oh, how I want my spiritual eyes to be open to see Jesus!

Jesus, we're in awe of you. Please replace the clouded lens of our souls with 20/20 vision to do what You want us to do for You, rather than ask You why.

Copyright 2019 Cheryl Crofoot Knapp. Used by permission.

I read their gut-wrenching words and pound my fists. I walked in their shoes, yet sit clueless how I should take away their agony. I despise “should” because it’s a word of shame. But that’s how I feel — ashamed that I can’t find words to help them. So goes another morning on a social media dementia support group.

Someone needs prayer because her loved one wandered away. Another aches because his loved one passed. Another regrets complaining how hard it was to be a caregiver — now all she wishes for is one more smile or “I love you.” Some feel their sacrifice is killing them and can’t wait until it’s over.

So, my heart cries.

Online support groups were a lifeline during my mom’s Alzheimer’s battle as I tried to balance her needs with mine. But balance is subjective. The disease caused my mom to weave from side to side as she walked down a hallway, and it caused me to emotionally weave from side to side when I responded to emergencies and balanced them with work, marriage, and sleep.

I stay in these support groups hoping to help them all — I was a caregiver! But on this morning, I was clueless. I was an eyewitness to this wretched disease twice. Yet I felt failure, which contradicted my belief that God called me to minister to caregivers.

So God took me for a walk — me, Him and the worship music playing in my ears. Coincidence that Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns played on my playlist? God knows when we feel like we tried again and failed. I heard the lies: I’m no good at ministry or writing, and I can’t help anybody. 

He reminded me that He calls us for His purpose (

). He didn’t choose me to do everything for everyone. That’s His job. Mine is to contribute in accordance with the calling He gives me. I can help some of the people some of the time, but I can’t help all of the people all of the time. Only God does that. He has called me to write, point caregivers to God’s grace, and encourage them to find collateral beauty instead of collateral damage. If they rebuke God’s grace, I move on. Even Jesus moved on.

God desires my obedience, not my sacrifices. Obedience is a response to a request to do something. Sacrifice causes or permits injury for the sake of something else. God said,

“For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, ...”

Hosea 6:6 Close Hosea 6:6 I want you to show love,*  not offer sacrifices.I want you to know me*  more than I want burnt offerings. OPEN VERSE IN BIBLE (nlt)

(NIV)

and that we are to

“Walk in obedience to all I command you, ...”

Jeremiah 7:23 Close Jeremiah 7:23 This is what I told them: `Obey me, and I will be your God, and you will be my people. Do everything as I say, and all will be well!' OPEN VERSE IN BIBLE (nlt)

(NIV) 

Caregiving is physically grueling, mentally exhausting, and spiritually depleting. I wasn’t asked to sacrifice my life for it, only be obedient. 

Sacrifice is Jesus — sent to earth alone to die broken and alone in order for us to receive eternal life. 

Obedience was Abraham’s willingness to kill his son, or Daniel’s concession to spend a night in the lion’s den because he was unwilling to stop praying, or my determination to take Mom’s frantic calls when she didn’t know where she was or what she was doing. Jesus said,

“... whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.”

Matthew 25:40 Close Matthew 25:40 "And the King will say, `I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters,* you were doing it to me!' OPEN VERSE IN BIBLE (nlt)

(NIV) 

That’s collateral beauty. That’s obedience. 

God didn’t call me to help everyone, just lead them toward God’s grace. What I gave to my parents and Jesus was obedience (a living sacrifice), not a killing sacrifice (a burnt offering).

“And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”

Micah 6:8 Close Micah 6:8 No, O people, the LORD has told you what is good,  and this is what he requires of you:to do what is right, to love mercy,  and to walk humbly with your God. OPEN VERSE IN BIBLE (nlt)

(NIV)

And the support groups? If God leads me to respond, I will. If God leads me to be quiet, I will. I will rest in obedience to the one who sacrificed it all and share God’s grace and mercy with them through my obedience to Him. 

Copyright © 3/2018 Cheryl Crofoot Knapp, used with permission.

Hosting a formal dinner party at the ripe young age of 19 should be easy, right?

I returned home after my freshman year of college to spend the summer with family, friends, and a job. My parents loved weekend camping and told me in advance when they’d be gone. So on a weekend when I knew I’d be “Home Alone,” I decided to throw a formal dinner party. 

Menu? Beef Wellington sounded perfect. I hadn’t exactly fixed it before, but it’s easy, right? Just a little meat and puff pastry!

On party day, I pulled out the linens, china, candlesticks, goblets, and silver. Bummer! The silver pieces were tarnished and I didn’t have time to clean them. Cooking like Julia Child was taking way too much time. So I called my lifetime friend next door, and she agreed to clean the silver—at her house. I had a “no peeking” rule in place. 

Venue? The downstairs ping pong table and ten mismatched chairs would be perfect! I found two large tablecloths that remotely matched, and they almost covered the behemoth table. The china, silver, goblets, and napkins looked beautiful as I properly arranged them at each setting. Emily Post would be proud! I nearly dropped the black candlesticks as I stumbled to reach across the Goliath-size table to place them. 

Serving my friends was a pleasure, and they insisted on doing the clean-up. The formal dinner was an accomplishment, and doing it all without my mom’s knowledge was a wonderful feeling (that “Home Alone” thing again). 

Or so I thought. 

I was at work when my parents returned. I received a terse phone call from my mom—I thought I’d be grounded for life! I didn’t realize that the china, pans, and utensils weren’t properly washed and were put in the wrong places. I didn’t know the china was their wedding china, the linens and silver were fragile family heirlooms, the goblets were crystal, and the candlesticks were black onyx. 

My hope for a milestone gift to my friends and a learning experience on how to throw a formal dinner party ended in disappointment and rebuke. Reflecting on the experience now, I contemplate two things.

Preparation

Esther endured twelve months of beauty treatments with oil of myrrh and cosmetics (

) before meeting her future husband, King Xerxes. That's preparation! At the time, I believed I adequately prepared for the party. Her twelve months compared to my seven days? Not even close. My party missed the mark.

Do we miss the mark with Jesus?

says,

"They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer." (NIV)

This scripture describes more than merely adequate preparation to enter God's presence. Are we devoted to walking with Jesus? Do we practice spiritual disciplines? Will God rebuke us if we're not prepared?

Treasures 

I didn’t recognize that the items I used at the dinner party were precious family heirlooms. I just saw linens, dishes, glasses, flatware, and candlesticks.

Do we recognize Jesus? Do we treat Him as ordinary, or as the precious treasure above all treasures? Is His presence richer than the finest china and crystal, more precious than onyx, shinier than polished silver, and more beautiful than heirloom linens?

Jesus is “a chosen and precious cornerstone.” (

1 Peter 2:6 Close 1 Peter 2:6 As the Scriptures say,"I am placing a cornerstone in Jerusalem,*  chosen for great honor,and anyone who trusts in him  will never be disgraced."* OPEN VERSE IN BIBLE (nlt)

NIV) 

Paul wrote that his goal was that the people would know "Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge." (

Colossians 2:2-3 Close Colossians 2:2-3 I want them to be encouraged and knit together by strong ties of love. I want them to have complete confidence that they understand God's mysterious plan, which is Christ himself. In him lie hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. OPEN VERSE IN BIBLE (nlt)

NIV)

Do we daily invite God to feast with us? Do we see Jesus as the One in whom the treasures of wisdom and knowledge reside? Do we prepare the feast table on our knees—memorize scripture, meditate, and desire quality time with the One who always loves and never fails?

I want to crave my Jesus—the treasure above all treasures—for all the days of eternity with Him.

Copyright © April 2018 Cheryl Crofoot Knapp. Used by permission.

The morning seemed normal enough, except for the disappearance of his shoes. Dickie shuddered to think he would be late again for school and feared his parents’ reprimands. His young ears loathed their harsh words about his deficiencies and failures.

He rummaged through his sparse closet a final time, grabbed his jacket off the floor, and discovered a tattered pair of tennis shoes. Dickie quickly slipped into the shoes, tiptoed down the stairs, slipped out the front door, and embarked on his walk to elementary school.

Dickie’s day at school was uneventful. At the end of the day, he said goodbye to his friends, traveled the trek home, walked up the steps, and stood in disbelief when he opened the front door. “Where is everybody?”

He called out for his parents as he wandered from room to room. No parents. No stuff. He waited in the empty house until his parents finally returned. They somehow forgot to tell my dad they had moved.

When my dad told me his story, I was heartbroken. But it helped me understand why he was harsh with me about my deficiencies and failures. He couldn’t give me what he did not have—he could only emulate what he was taught.

When my sons were young, I consistently told them I loved them. When they did stupid things, I never told them they were stupid. But I yelled a lot, reminded them of any deficiencies or failures, and passed on the generational legacy of my grandparents. I despised how I treated them, but no matter how hard I prayed, my reprimands about spilled milk continued.

I had a personal relationship with Jesus, but why couldn’t I stop yelling? I surely wasn’t starting them “off on the way they should go, and even when they are old, they will not turn from it.”

(NIV) Instead, I was leading them to feel the hurts my dad and I experienced!

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.”

Luke 18:16 Close Luke 18:16 Then Jesus called for the children and said to the disciples, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. OPEN VERSE IN BIBLE (nlt)

(NIV) 

Did I hinder them through a legacy of harsh words and impatience? Would they turn away from God because they felt turned away from me? Would they pass my grandparents’ behavior to their children?

When my sons were teenagers, I continued to pray for deliverance from yelling and that God would protect them from my harsh words.

God says, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”

Isaiah 43:18-19 Close Isaiah 43:18-19 "But forget all that—  it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new.  See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?I will make a pathway through the wilderness.  I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. OPEN VERSE IN BIBLE (nlt)

(NIV) 

I wish I knew back then that He permits me to quit dwelling on the past, set aside my mistakes and those of my ancestors, and accept a new way to walk through life!

When my sons became adults, the yelling was gone. But my hardest questions remained. Did I hinder my sons’ desire for Jesus? Did they experience brokenness by my words? If I stood side by side with my sons in front of a mirror, would they see Jesus’ reflection in me? Do they see my legacy to be one of anger or one that leads them closer to Jesus?

2 Corinthians 3:18 gives me hope:

“And we all … are being transformed into His image with ever-increasing glory.” (NIV)

None of us are perfect in this life. We are all in the process of transformation. It’s never too late to lead my sons deeper into a legacy of faith.

I asked my sons for forgiveness and what they remembered most about their childhood. They said I lived out my faith, always showed up, and loved them like crazy. Yelling was not on the list!

And my dad? He’s in Heaven—and still my biggest fan!

Copyright © 2018 Cheryl Crofoot Knapp, used with permission.

“This is the way we wash our clothes, so early Monday morning.” I sang this nursery rhyme so much that it got stuck in my head, much like “It’s a Small World” or “The Song that Never Ends.” (Sorry!)

As strange as it sounds, my mom and I enjoyed washing clothes. Laundry steps for me were: wash, dry, and fold. But with Alzheimer’s, my mom’s steps were: put clothes (preferably only dirty ones) in basket, find dish soap (yep!), go to laundry room, put clothes in washer, return to Assisted Living room, write down location of laundry, sit in room, check note to see where laundry is, return to laundry room, put wet clothes in dryer, return to room, sit in room, check note to see where it is, return to laundry room, remove clothes from dryer, put in basket, return to room, and fold.

If Mom got interrupted during the process, she forgot she even had laundry! I offered to help, but she insisted on doing it herself. Mom desired clean clothes, but what she really wanted was independence. Alzheimer’s stole that from her, and I was called to serve as caregiver.

God created caregivers. Adam served God by caring for His creation. Eve served God as a helpmate for Adam. Abigail said, “I am ready to serve you” (

NIV). King Jehoshaphat ordered, “You must serve faithfully and wholeheartedly” ( NIV).

Jesus dwelled among us, not “to be served, but to serve” (

NIV), and He taught that how we serve is more important than what service we do.

Mary, Martha, and Lazarus were siblings, and they deeply loved Jesus. Their story taught me the importance of attitude (how) versus action (what).

Martha and Mary wanted to honor Jesus for saving Lazarus. Mary sat at Jesus’ feet and listened to His words. Martha prepared a huge feast, but said to Jesus, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me” (

NIV). Jesus acknowledged Martha’s concerns, but told her, “Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her” ( NIV).

According to John’s account, Mary took about a pint of nard, poured it on Jesus’ feet, and wiped His feet with her hair. “And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume” (

NIV). Mary’s actions were more than just sitting at Jesus’ feet! She anointed them with expensive perfume. It wasn’t only the fragrance of perfume that filled the air—it was the sweet fragrance of a grateful, servant’s heart. While Jesus appreciated Martha’s actions, what He really desired was Mary’s attitude.

Mary, Martha, and Jesus were servant caregivers. Caregiving and serving aren’t just about what is done—it’s how it’s done. Sometimes I washed Mom’s laundry or took her to appointments. But often I sat at her feet, held her hands, and allowed compassion to replace her anxiety. My attitude was far more important to Mom than my actions. She forgot what I did, but she remembered how she felt because of how I did them. Size of contribution doesn’t matter to someone with Alzheimer’s. What matters is the condition of the heart that gives it.

It was hard to see Mom struggle with simple tasks. But it allowed me to enter her world of Alzheimer’s and recognize, for a moment, how it felt to have the disease. Caregiving allowed me to be Martha and Mary to my mom, and to be the hands and feet of Jesus for the “least of these.” He said,

“I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these, you did for me” (

NIV). And it reminded me that Jesus is always my servant caregiver because He always is, always was, and always will be with me.

Scary things scare me! I recently confronted something I feared—an MRI. I wasn’t excited about being shut in a machine with deafening noises. To me, that seemed like cruel and unusual punishment.

I sat in the waiting room. Don’t they know that the length of my wait increases the intensity of my fears? I recalled my anxiety over zip-lining in the Ozark Mountains. After a hairpin-turn in an open-sided truck with two tires on the road and two hanging over a ridge, the guides issued me a hard hat, gloves, and a harness that would somehow stop my plummet from the cable into the forest 100 feet below. They declined my suggestion for sheathing me in infinite amounts of bubble wrap. When I got to the platform, the guides concluded I was one of those people who never take the giant leap. Convinced flying through the air was better than tackling the truck ride again, I said, “Let’s fly.” Off I flew—and had the time of my life!

Back in the waiting room, I rationalized that if I could sail through the air on a cable, I could lie in a machine while magnets disrupted the atom structure in my body. The technician recognized my fears, convinced I was one of those people who would never make it through the imaging. She suggested I come back another time and have sedation. I felt marked with failure for my lack of courage, and I hate sedation. I resigned myself to the MRI. She positioned me in the machine, briefly held my hand, and gave me a buzzer to alert her when I was convinced I would die. I said, “Let’s roll.” Survival mode began as I was literally rolled into the machine.

Each scan started with a loud jackhammer sound and continued with vibrations and distinct clatter. One scan sounded like a mantra. I wanted to laugh, but was instructed not to move. Another sounded like a monotone voice repeating “believe believe.” It was likely no coincidence, as I prayed against my fears—I believed alright! The last scan sounded like a helicopter. I nearly cried as I remembered a magnificent helicopter ride into the Grand Canyon with my husband. But since I was instructed not to move, crying was out.

I ultimately wasn’t one of those people. I never pushed my buzzer to get out early. I praised God for the courage to endure that machine for 30 minutes. He taught me that all I needed to do was believe that my fears were never bigger than His presence.

God says we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” (

NIV) 

I naturally liked the part about being made wonderful, but I struggled to comprehend being “fearfully made.” When I checked the meaning of fearful, I was reminded fearful means to be afraid or filled with awe.

Daniel must have been afraid of the lions when he entered the lions' den. But he was awed by the Lord’s protection from the lions’ jaws.

Queen Esther must have been afraid when she approached the King. But she was awed by her security with God, not in royal privilege.

David must have been afraid as he selected stones to slay the giant or when his grievous sins were revealed. But he was awed by God’s power to protect, and to forgive his moral weaknesses. God considered him to be a man after His own heart. (

NIV)

How beautiful to be fearfully and wonderfully made! God desires our awe of Him. He knows we get lost in real fears, and He promises His love through them. God said, “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.” (

NIV) 

Even in our fearful moments, He never rejects and always protects—because He summons us by name into His presence.

Copyright © 2017 Cheryl Crofoot Knapp. Used by permission.