- Well we've all heard the statistics.

Nearly half of allmarriages end in divorce.

But here's the good news.

According to relationshipexpert Gary Chapman,

there's hope even in theworst case scenarios.

Take a look.

- [Narrator] Best sellingauthor Gary Chapman

has helped thousands of couples

form long-lasting relationships.

For many years as acounselor, he's found that

many couples are struggling to make

a miserable marriage work.

In his book,

Loving Your Spouse WhenYou Feel Like Walking Away,

Gary offers positive steps

that can change the emotionalclimate in a marriage,

and offers hope for even themost desperate situations.

- Please welcome back toThe 700 Club Gary Chapman.

It's great to have you here.

- Thank you, Terry, good to be with you.

- Your book does not deal with casual.

It deals with some real hard-core problems

in relationships.

What motivated you to write it?

- Well, I think justdealt with so many couples

through the years who were

in very, very difficult marriages.

And I just wanted to write a book

addressed to those individuals.

I'm talkin' about folkswho live with a spouse

that's been depressed for a long time

or perhaps addicted to alcohol or drugs

or verbally abusive to them,

sometimes even physically abusive to them.

I mean, heavy duty situations.

And I'm empathetic with those folks

because I know you feel like giving up.

You feel like walking away.

But I'm trying to say,

there's another side to the story

and let me help you.

- And hanging in there is sometimes

the needed commodity isn't it?

Giving it time to work itself out,

work itself through.

- Yeah, the commitment tostay in the relationship,

now if there's physical abuse

you won't hear me saying you sit there

and let 'em beat you up, no, no, no.

But I think in many situations

where we feel like walking away,

if the commitment is to stay,

but then the other thing is,

we want to be a positive influence.

You know, everyone agrees,we cannot change our spouse.

But we can influence our spouse.

And sometimes we forgetthe influence part.

And we feel like, well there's no hope,

you know, they're never going to change.

People do change.

Everyday we change.

We either get better or we get worse.

- Yes, well, that's what'sso good about the book,

is you really bring a word of hope

into what can feel hopeless,

in those scenarios.

I want you to share a little bit

about where your own marriage was

when you first got married.

You've been married 57 years.- 57 years.

- Wow, that's awesome.

- I got married when I was nine.

(laughing)

- I knew that.

But it wasn't always in the early days,

what it is today.

- Yeah, we had very difficulttime in our marriage.

We were both believers.

We both were following Christ.

I was studying in seminary,studying to be a pastor.

And we were miserable in our relationship.

- Which that surprises people

and takes people off guard I think also

because they assume ifthey're both believers

and they marry, thateverything's just gonna

find a way to work itselfout, but it's not simple.

- No, it is not.

And you know, we, I was pretty desperate,

because the closer I got to graduation,

I'm thinking there's no way

that I can get up andpreach hope to people

and be this miserable.

And I just said to God, Idon't know what else to do.

I've done everything I know to do.

As soon as I said that,

there came to my mind a visualimage of Jesus on His knees,

washing the feet of His disciples.

- [Terry] Wow.

- And I heard God say to me,

that's the problem in your marriage.

- [Terry] Wow.

- You don't have that attitude.

Hit me like a ton of bricks

because I knew that was not my attitude.

You know, my attitude was something like,

look, I know how to have a good marriage.

If you'll listen to me,we'll have one. (laughs)

- (laughs) What haveyou done for me lately.

- That day I got a different message

and I just said, God forgive me.

- That's a powerful picture.- With all of my study,

in Greek and Hebrew, Imissed the whole point.

And I said, please giveme the attitude of Christ.

It changed my heart

and I asked my wife three questions

that revolutionized our marriage.

Honey, what can I do to help you?

How can I make your life easier?

How can I be a better husband?

And when I was willingto ask the questions,

she was willing to give me answers.

(laughing)

And when I began to serve her,

it's not overnight,

but within three months.

- Really?- She started asking me,

those three questions.

- That's wonderful.

- Been walkin' this road a long time now.

That's the way it ought to be.

- 57 years, well you talk about four myths

that hinder people from having

the kind of relationships that they want.

What are they?

- Well one of them isthat people don't change.

The fact is, look athistory, people do change.

The other is, I'm in a hopeless situation.

There is no hope.

And I understand howyou can feel that way.

But there's always hope

because God is in the equation.

You know, I think anotherfactor is that we believe

that my situation is one that's different

from everybody else's.

Nobody really is experiencingwhat I'm experiencing.

And we have to break throughthose myths, you know.

- There's a loneliness in that--

- Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.

- You also talked about six realities

that can bring hope intoreally hopeless situations.

Share some of those.

- Yeah, well, one of thoseis that I choose my attitude.

You know, we don't choose our emotions.

Emotions grab us.

But we choose our attitude.

So I can choose to havea positive attitude

and look for somethingpositive in this situation.

I'm responsible for my attitude.

And then my attitude guides my behavior,

rather than my emotions.

Some will let my attitude guide my,

so I'm gonna do somethin' positive,

gonna respond in a positive way,

gonna love an unlovely spouse.

And then the other factor isI'm gonna choose to believe

that though I cannot change my spouse,

I can influence my spouse.

And when I get the concept

that I'm here to be a positive influence

with the help of God.

And another factor is,acknowledging my part in this,

doesn't mean I'm the bad person.

Listen, none of us are perfect.

So if I'm gonna say, you know honey,

I haven't handled this very well.

I've been on your case a lot.

And I just want to apologize

for the way I've been responding to you.

And maybe they forgiveyou, maybe they don't

but you're acknowledging your part

and can that be a thingthat changes their heart

because they see you not condemning them

but acknowledging that your condemnation

has not been helpful.

And then I think the otherthing is to recognize

that love is the most powerful weapon

to influence a spouse in a positive way.

You know, I have often challenged people

in a difficult marriage.

Take a six month challenge.

Speak their love language every week

at least once a week for six months,

no matter how they treat you.

Now, take out of thatequation physical abuse, okay,

and let them, and see what happens

when you love them unconditionally.

After all, that's the way God loves us.

The Bible said, He lovedus when we were sinners

and He sent Christ to diefor us when we were sinners.

So, we let His love flow it through us

to influence them byspeaking their love language.

- I think that's so important.

I say often to my own children,

that, you know, we assumethat the love language

of our spouse is what ours is,

but it's usually not.

- You're right.

- Good to know that,

so that we really can befilling each other's cups.

Well, I want to mention two books.

Gary's latest book is called

Loving Your Spouse WhenYou Feel Like Walking Away

and if you or someone you love

is suffering from Alzheimer's,

he's also written, KeepingLove Alive As Memories Fade.

Both are availablewherever books are sold.

Gary, thank you.

It's always a pleasure to have you here.

Thank you Terry, greatto be with you again.