(gentle music)

- The five love languages.

They've taken Gary Chapman tothe far corners of the earth.

So did Gary set out to createa worldwide phenomenon?

See for yourself.

- I could not have plannedthe life that I've lived.

Now don't get me wrong.

You know, I planned to finishhigh school and college

but then I planned to go to work.

I would never have imagined

that I would have the opportunityto speak at the Pentagon

in Washington or to agathering of ambassadors

to the United States from 30countries around the world.

In my latest book Ishare some of my journey,

the failures and the successes

and what I learned from each of them.

My hope is as you read these stories

and as you hear these lessons

you'll find hope andencouragement for your journey.

(gentle music)

- Please welcome back tothe 700 Club, Gary Chapman.

Gary, it's great tohave you with us today.

- Well, thank you, Terry.

It's always good to be back.

- You know so many people'slives have been touched

and improved by understandingthe five love languages.

People might be surprised toknow that you and your wife

Karen had a tough timestarting out in marriage.

Usually it's the littlethings that drive us crazy.

What did she do that drove you crazy?

- Well the reality is we hadlots and lots of differences.

She was very independent.

She had been living herown life for a few years

and you know I had ideas onwhat she should be doing.

And she had ideas aboutwhat I should be doing

and they were conflicting.

And you know when you're in love

you don't think you'll have any conflicts.

And so you don't know how to solve them.

So we ended up arguing, you know,

and I would tell her how it ought to be.

She would tell me I was wrong.

Really looking back on itpretty much the similar things

that happen to many coupleswhen they don't know how

to respect each other andwork through the conflicts

rather than trying to win an argument.

- So what did you end uppraying that you say was

the greatest prayer I everprayed regarding my marriage?

- Well, I was in seminary.

Two weeks after we got marriedI enrolled in seminary.

To study to be a pastor.

And I was miserable in mymarriage a few months later.

And I said to God, I don'tknow what else to do.

I've done everything I know to do.

And it's not working.

In fact, if anything, it's getting worse,

and I don't know what to do.

As soon as I said that therecame to my mind a visual image

of Jesus on his knees washingthe feet of his disciples.

And I heard God say to me

that's the problem in your marriage.

You do not have the attitudeof Christ towards your wife.

It hit me like a ton of bricks

because I remembered what Jesus said.

You know when he gotthrough washing their feet

he stood up and said I am your leader.

And in my kingdom thisis the way you lead.

The leader serves.

And I knew that it was not my attitude.

My attitude was something like, look,

I know how to have a good marriage

if you'll listen to me we'll have one.

She wouldn't listen to me.(laughing)

So I just said God forgive me.

With all of my study youknow of the scriptures

I've missed the whole point here.

Please give me the attitudeof Christ toward my wife.

In retrospect, it is thegreatest prayer I ever prayed

about my marriage becauseGod changed my heart

and gave me a desire to serve her.

And you know Terry threequestions made this practical.

Simple questions.

When I was willing to ask these

my marriage began to change.

Question number one, honeywhat can I do to help you?

Number two, how can Imake your life easier?

Number three, how canI be a better husband?

When I asked those questions

she was willing to give me answers.

She told me.(laughing)

And when I started responding,it didn't happen overnight.

But within three monthsshe started asking me

those three questions.

- Wow.

- But my heart got changed.

Then God touched her heart.

- Well you and Karen were married 20 years

before you discoveredthe five love languages.

So how did you come up with them?

- They grew out of my counseling.

They would sit in my officeand one of them would say

I just feel like he doesn'tlove me or she doesn't love me.

And the other would sayI don't understand that.

I do this and this and this.

Why would you not feel loved?

And I knew the coupleswere missing each other

and they were sincere, butthey were missing each other.

So eventually I took time tosit down and read several years

of notes that I made when I was counseling

and asked myself the question.

When someone said, I feellike my spouse doesn't love me

what did they want?

What were they complaining about?

And their answers fellinto five categories.

And I later called themthe five love languages

and started using it in my counseling.

You know, if you want her to feel loved

you gotta speak her language

and she's got to learnto speak your language.

And when couples would discovertheir language, try it.

They would come backsometimes in three weeks

and say Gary this is changing everything.

So that's where it all started.

And it's been amazinghow God has used it all

over the world now.

- Well, you've sold millions of books.

You've traveled andspoken all over the world.

And yet you always haveremained an on-staff pastor.

Why?

- You know, I've been at thesame church now for 50 years

on staff as a, as a pastor.

And I, I, it's because of two things.

Number one, I believe thechurch has God's primary way

of reaching the world.

And secondly, I need a church family.

I need to be a part of the church family.

And so, you know, I'vestayed in the local church

because I believe in the local church.

- When you started out, didyou ever dream your life

would take the direction that's taken?

- Absolutely not.

You know, I just, I had noidea where it was going.

I only knew there wastwo things you could do

in full-time ministry.

One would be a missionary.

One would be a pastor.

And I saw missionariesas working in the jungle.

And I didn't like snakes.

So I thought God mustwant me to be a pastor.

(laughing)

But I never even dreamedof writing, you know?

And I didn't plan to be a counselor.

It's when I got into a local church

I found out people werehurting in marriage and family.

So I kinda got pushedinto the counseling role.

And it became a major part of my ministry.

- Seems like it all startedwith that simple obedient yes

when God spoke to your heart

about your own relationshipand your family.

You know surrender is whereit all begins with the Lord.

I want to mention GaryChapman's book is called

the Lessons and Love Languages and it's a,

Life Lessons and Love Languages.

And it's availablewherever books are sold.

Gary, thanks so much.

You always bring a great word of wisdom.

Great to have you here.

- Well, thank you.

I always enjoy being with you.

Keep up the good work.

- And you.