Well, if you had to describe your marriage in one word

right now, what word would it be?

Love, perhaps.

Well, author Gary Thomas says there is a different word,

a mindset really.

And if it's put into practice, it

can change everything in your relationship.

NARRATOR: Bestselling author Gary Thomas

has been helping thousands of couples

turn their relationships around.

He says there is one word that can radically do that.

Cherish is sort of the spice.

You can love without cherishing, but you

can't cherish without loving.

Love is important, but I want to go to that next level.

NARRATOR: In his book, Cherish, Gary challenges us to love well

and shows us how to treasure our spouse like never before.

Well, Gary Thomas is here with us now.

Gary, we thank you, and welcome you to the 700 Club.

Oh, thank you for having me, Terry.

You know, most of us use that word

if we do traditional vows when we marry.

We say to love and to cherish, and we don't really

think about it very much.

I mean, we just assume those two words mean the same thing.

But in fact, they're different.

What is difference?

Well, they very are.

And the word was hiding in plain sight.

I promised to love and to cherish.

And even writing on marriage for 20 years, and doing seminars

and focusing on it, it was always

about love, sacrifice, service, commitment, perseverance,

hanging in there.

And I do think that's the foundation of a relationship.

In one sense, you could call it the bread of the relationship.

It's what nourishes you.

It's what gives substance to the relationship.

But cherishing is like the jam.

It's what makes it delightful, it's what makes it tasty.

And if we settle for love without cherish,

we end up having marriages that seem like they're more

based on duty than delight.

And I don't think that's the kind of relationship that's

the best witness to our children, to the world,

or one that honors God.

Well, you said just seconds ago

that it's the word that's been hidden in plain sight.

You've written lots of books about relationship

and marriage.

And what was it in your own marriage that needed change

when you discovered cherish?

Well, I think I was so focused on my obligations

with sacred marriage, and lifelong love, and others.

I want to do the right thing, I want to be a good husband.

But I believe God convicted me saying, I want my wife--

I want your wife, my daughter, to be adored.

I want her to know she's a delight to you.

And so, I left 1 Corinthians 13 behind for a little bit,

and started camping out and Song of Solomon 6:9.

And there's one verse that came back over and over,

it's chapter 6, verse 9--

"My dove, my perfect one, is the only one."

And so, for a slice of time, Eve was literally

the only woman in the world.

She defined to Adam what a woman is supposed to be.

And I wanted to be like that with my wife, Lisa,

that she's beyond compare.

She's the only one I'll look at that way,

she's the only one I'll talk to that way,

she's the only one I'll depend emotionally upon.

That I would see my wife as Eve, the only woman in the world.

And so, is that the mindset you're talking about?

That we just-- we change the way we see our spouse?

Absolutely.

Romans 12:1, "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind."

Everybody knows it.

So I have to think about that that way.

So for me, it was first the promise.

I promised to love and to cherish.

It's not just this great ideal that if you

want a super marriage, or to really spoil your spouse

you'll do it.

We promise to do it.

And then, it's the mindset.

Looking at our husband or wife as Adam and Eve,

the only woman in the world, so that we're not comparing them.

And then, there are a lot of just practical things

that we do.

What encouraged me so much Terry--

when God challenged me with this,

it's something that can be learned.

TERRY MEEUWSEN: Yes.

It's something that can be chosen.

You know, infatuation is so passive.

We said, well I fell in love.

So then if you fall out of love, you can't get back.

But cherishing can be chosen, it can be practiced,

it can be cultivated.

So if one wants to do that, how

do you choose to cultivate it?

What are the methodologies that you can use to really make

that not just another thing I have to do with other tasks,

but I mean, enjoyable for you as well.

Well, I think we have to follow through on the promise.

It's not natural, because James 3:2, "We all

stumble in many ways."

So we're not cherishing perfect people here.

Nobody gets to marry the fourth member of the Trinity, right?

That person doesn't exist.

So how do you cherish somebody who stumbles in many ways?

One of the ways is, you showcase them to others.

If you cherish something, like a newly engaged woman

with a wedding ring, or engagement ring,

she wants everybody to see it.

That's right.

Guys will get this, if they cherish a car,

hey, come out and see my baby.

It's waxed.

And they're waxing it, and then they take pictures,

and they post it.

So, how do you show off your spouse?

And one of the analogies I use in the book

I came across from the ballet community.

George Balanchine is a famous choreographer.

TERRY MEEUWSEN: Yes, sure.

And he said, the ballet is woman.

TERRY MEEUWSEN: Wow.

And the notion was that people go to the ballet

to see the ballerina.

And so, the best male dancers understand

that their job isn't to show their muscles or their moves,

it's to showcase the ballerina.

So they're supporting her, they're turning her,

they're twisting her so that everybody can see her beauty.

And the male dancer takes delight

that she can be more, because I'm behind her

and supporting her.

TERRY MEEUWSEN: Yeah.

And it's looking at marriage that way,

that I want others to celebrate her.

So I began doing that with my wife

by showcasing her to myself.

In 2016, I had a daily journal where every day--

the was for her Christmas present--

I wrote down something she had done that day

that I was grateful for.

TERRY MEEUWSEN: Wow.

Or that I just appreciated about her.

I got to-- when you get to September,

and you've written down 200, 300 things,

it's hard to ask God to change something new about your spouse

when you have hundreds of things that you've celebrated.

And here's how when I say it can be chosen, here's what changed.

We were with a couple of one time,

and I'd come up with an idea to give to the wife.

And she loved it, and she was gushing on Lisa about it,

and said, thank you so much.

It was so thoughtful.

And I walked in the room, and she saw me,

and she goes, thank you too, Gary.

And, Terry, you know, it's was one of those things,

like, we both know you had nothing to do with this gift,

but you married this wonderful wife.

15 years ago when I was just focused on love,

I think I would have said, hey, that gift was my idea

and I paid for it.

But this time, Terry, I said, what gift?

Because I love to see people exulting my wife.

Because when you adore someone, when you cherish someone,

you want to see others celebrate them.

And I realized how my own heart had

changed by showcasing my wife to myself, and then to others.

TERRY MEEUWSEN: Power in our words, even

in what we speak to ourselves.

Maybe that's the beginning of it all?

Is like you said, I started cherishing her

in my heart and mind.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, every conversation-- it's great that you go with

words-- because every conversation leads us toward

cherish.

Or, I think we start to descend toward contempt.

Because every situation is how we interpret it.

And am I going to nourish my wife with these words,

or with my apathy, am I going to ignore her?

TERRY MEEUWSEN: Yeah.

It's all about like catching bids.

If she's interested in something and I cherish her,

I should cherish what she's saying, not because I might

be interested in what she's saying,

but if I'm interested in who's saying it.

That's how I show I cherish her, because I'm

interested in something that interests her.

And you talk about the difference between cherish

and contempt, and when we're really doing one or the other,

aren't we?

I believe we are.

You know, they say familiarity breeds contempt.

It should scare every married person

because her feeling is more familiar than marriage.

Your spouse, yes.

And that's why I don't see cherishing as this extra credit

add-on.

For me, it's essential because we've all seen marriages

where they started out delighting in each other,

they're thrilled to be together, and they adore each other,

and then they can't stand to be in the same room.

And I share this story of a wife who is upset

because I called her husband a chef,

and she says, no, he's a cook.

You can't call him a chef because he

works in a nursing home.

And you're just like, I knew them on their wedding day.

Where does that contempt come from?

Well, the daily familiarities.

If we don't choose to cherish our spouse

and adore them that way, and delight in them,

that's kind of where we go.

And we don't want marriages like that.

So, don't diminish.

Build up, cherish.

That's the name of the book, Cherish, the one word that

changes everything for.

Your marriage it's by our guest, Gary Thomas.

Want you to know it's available in stores nationwide,

and it's a wonderful read.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much, Terry.

Wonderful to have you here.

Thank you.