- The love I got from myfamily, it was communal love,

it was nurturing, but then thesecret love was just better

and I wanted to go after that

more than I wanted family love.

- [Narrator] For most of his life,

Victor Bell appeared to have it all.

He was a football star inhigh school and college

and grew up in a closeknit, church going family.

Yet, from the time he was a small boy,

Victor longed to experiencewhat he thought was true love,

a fascination thatstarted when he was five

watching a soap opera love scene.

- She's loved.

She's getting affection.

She's getting care.

She's being treated withgentleness, with kindness.

I want to feel what she feels.

I want to be loved like she's loved.

- [Narrator] To Victor,the love of his family

paled in comparison,especially that of his father

a Gulf War veteran whodisciplined him harshly.

- I felt that girlsreceive more affection,

they receive more consideration.

I don't get the hugs thatmy female cousins get,

or the hugs that my sister gets,

or the kisses on the forehead.

And with boys, I feltwe were treated rough,

particularly me.

- [Narrator] Another placeVictor didn't feel loved

was church.

- I knew who God was,

I knew about the cross and Jesus dying,

and I knew about Hell,I knew about Heaven.

I didn't care.

- [Narrator] Victor startedto crave the attention of boys

and started experimenting with them.

- From the ages of five to eight

I had several sexualencounters with boys my age.

I jumped at the chances tobe the girl playing house,

or the woman playingdoctor, or the girl nurse

because it was an opportunity for me

to reenact the soap opera scene.

I have an imagination thatcreates these atmospheres

of what it would be liketo be loved like her.

They were excitingadventures of discovery.

- [Narrator] Then when Victorwas just nine years old

a friend showed him an X-rated movie.

- It made me feel likethis is what you have to be

to produce that kindof reaction from a man

and you'll get more love, oryou'll get more affection.

- [Narrator] Throughoutmiddle school, high school,

and into college Victor put his energy

into pursuing his growing addiction to sex

with women and men.

- This is the life now.

I'm having sex with a lotof girls, a muscular guy,

football player.

I'm having sex with men too.

I drink, I smoke, Iindulge in these activities

to feel good all the time.

The space of emptiness was growing

so I felt like I keptneeding to fill it more

with the activities I was endorsing it.

- [Narrator] In 2008 Victorgraduated from college

and got a job as a long-termsubstitute teacher.

He moved back in with his parents

presenting a clean cut image at home,

while on weekends he waspursuing gay sex parties

and frequenting gay chatrooms for temporary hookups.

- I just remember feeling empty, a lot.

I remember feeling empty after the acts,

but I felt like I couldlive in the emptiness

if I just keep having sex,

because I'll get to my goal of love.

- [Narrator] For almost three years

he chased that illusion of love.

Then in January, 2011,

after he came home drunkfrom a new year's Eve party

his mom made him go to church with them.

When the service was over

the Bishop called Victorby name up to the front

and told him four simple words

that stuck with him the rest of the day.

- Go sin no more.

And I keep hearing, go sin no more.

So then I'm mad, like, no.

That mean I can't be gay nomore, and I had it out with God.

I was arguing with him,like leave me alone.

I don't want your salvation,I said I'm ugly, I'm insecure,

I'm not confident, I'm afraid, I'm angry.

You don't know what it's like to be me!

He said, "I love you.

I was beaten, I was tortured,

and then I was murderedbecause I love you."

I was shocked, I couldn't speak.

He said, "Give me everythingand I'll give you my love

and you see how it feels."

I said, "Yes."

He exchanged his love for every dead thing

and it is the greatest experienceI have ever experienced

and I would never turn back.

- [Narrator] Victor stoppedsleeping around and partying,

and started attending church.

He began studying his Bible

and learning about the love of God.

- His love

has snatched me out of thelife of lust and perversion,

snatched me out of beinga secret homosexual.

And I was excited about the Word,

and I was excited about salvation.

- [Narrator] Thatexcitement has never faded

and today Victor is marriedwith two beautiful children.

He's never shy to share his story

and point people to thepure, unconditional love

he found in Jesus.

- It's more exhilarating,it's more fulfilling,

it's more satisfying than anything

that I've ever felt and have experienced.

The weight of his love issomething I can't describe

and it is what anchors me,and it is what keeps me,

it is what brings me joy,it is what fulfills me.

(uplifting music)