From Hurt to Healing: Four Steps That Can Change Everything

God Doesn't Waste our Wounds

At the heart of It’s Time to Heal is a hopeful but realistic message: God can redeem the wounds, disappointments, trauma, shame, and brokenness that have shaped our lives. Dr. Derwin L. Gray does not present healing as pretending that painful things never happened. Instead, he argues that genuine Christian healing begins when we courageously acknowledge what happened, bring it into God's presence, and allow Him to transform rather than simply erase our pain. Gray recognizes that many people—including Christians—carry wounds they have never adequately addressed. Anxiety, depression, trauma, burnout, shame, disconnection, addiction, relational wounds, and other forms of emotional pain can continue affecting people long after the original circumstances have passed. His fundamental question is not simply, "How can I get over this?" but "How can God redeem what has happened to me?" That distinction is important throughout the book. Gray believes that the goal isn't merely to return to the person we were before we were wounded. Through Christ, God can create something new from what has been broken.

Gray’s Own Healing

“I was age 6 the last time my dad was a part of my life,” Gray says.  He then recalls a time when he was in the 8th grade that his dad came to one of games.  “He was standing, talking to the coach, and I could see the heroin tracks on his arm.” Gray was filled with hurt, anger and the fear of abandonment from such experiences.  Throughout high school and college, he says his goal was “to prove that I could make it without you,” referring to his father, but the hurt just deepened.  Years later, while in the NFL and still trying to prove himself to his dad, Gray came to faith in Christ when an Indianapolis Colts teammate shared with him the truth of the gospel.  A couple of years later, he sensed the Lord tell him to go find – and forgive – His father.  Gray knew that his dad didn’t deserve forgiveness for walking out on his family, but the Lord convicted Gray that he also didn’t deserve forgiveness for his sins.  He wrote his dad a letter in prison, telling them that he loved him, forgave him, and wanted him to be a part of his life.  A couple of weeks later, Gray received a letter from his dad telling him that  he loved him, too, and wanted the same.  Though they live in difference states and have their own lives, Gray says their relationship is friendly and they keep in touch.  
 
     H — Honest: Naming what happened. The first step toward healing is honesty. Gray emphasizes that people cannot heal from wounds they refuse to acknowledge. We often develop ways of hiding our pain: denial, busyness, achievement, religious activity, perfectionism, anger, isolation, addiction, or simply pretending that everything is fine. For Christians, this can become particularly complicated. We may know that we're supposed to "trust God," "forgive," "move on," or "have faith," and therefore feel guilty admitting that we're hurting. Gray challenges that mindset. Biblical faith does not require emotional dishonesty, he posits. The beginning of healing is being willing to tell the truth about what happened. That may mean acknowledging something that someone else did to us. It may mean acknowledging something we did ourselves. It may mean admitting that a particular experience continues to affect the way we think, relate to people, see ourselves, or understand God. One of the book's important implications is that naming a wound is not the same thing as being defined by it.
We can say, "This happened to me," without saying, "This is who I am."
 
     E — Expect: Healing is a difficult journey. The second step is expecting pain on the journey.
Gray rejects the idea that Christian healing should necessarily be instantaneous. Healing may involve prayer, Scripture, counseling, community, repentance, forgiveness, neurological change, new patterns of thinking, and time. This is significant because many people become discouraged when healing doesn't happen as quickly as they expected. Gray's answer is essentially: don't interpret the difficulty of healing as evidence that God isn't working.

In one recent discussion about the book, Gray described healing as more like a slow, gradual process than a "microwave moment." He connects this with the concept of neuroplasticity—the brain's capacity to develop new patterns—and with Paul's teaching in Romans 12 about being transformed through the renewal of the mind. 

This gives the book an interesting intersection between Christian theology, pastoral care, psychology, and neuroscience. Gray's message is not that neuroscience replaces Scripture. Rather, he sees scientific discoveries about the brain as illuminating realities Scripture has long taught: our minds can be renewed, our patterns can change, and transformation is possible. The process can be painful because healing often requires confronting things we've spent years avoiding. But Gray's perspective is hopeful: remaining trapped in unhealed pain is ultimately more painful than doing the difficult work of healing.
 
     A — Accept: refusing to let the past define the future. The third step is acceptance. Gray makes an important distinction: acceptance does not mean approval. Accepting what happened does not mean saying that abuse, betrayal, injustice, abandonment, trauma, failure, or another painful experience was acceptable.

Instead, acceptance means acknowledging reality rather than continually fighting against the fact that it happened. The past cannot be changed. But the meaning and power we give the past can change.

This becomes one of the book's strongest themes. A wounded person can become imprisoned by a story about what happened to them: "Because this happened, I am broken." "Because someone rejected me, I am unlovable." "Because I failed, I am a failure." "Because I was betrayed, I can never trust anyone." "Because my family was dysfunctional, I will always be dysfunctional." Gray wants readers to recognize that these conclusions are not necessarily the truth. God's grace allows us to separate what happened to us from who we are.

The book repeatedly returns to identity. The Christian's ultimate identity isn't determined by the worst thing they've experienced, the worst thing they've done, or what another person has said about them.

It is determined by God's love and what Christ has done.
 
     L — Live: From love, not for love. The final step is living from love rather than living for love.
This may be the book's ultimate destination. Gray argues that many of us spend enormous amounts of energy trying to obtain the love, approval, validation, success, acceptance, or affirmation that we already desperately want. We live for love. But the gospel teaches something radically different: We can live from love because, in Christ, we are already loved. That changes everything. When a person knows they are loved by God, they don't have to manipulate relationships to obtain love. They don't have to build their identity around achievement.
They don't have to constantly prove themselves. They don't have to allow rejection to determine their worth.

And they don't have to remain imprisoned by shame. Gray's book emphasizes that genuine transformation is deeper than behavioral modification. We can change outward behavior while remaining wounded internally. Christian transformation reaches into the heart, mind, identity, and relationships.  That is why Gray connects healing with new creation rather than simply self-improvement.
 
Breaking the cycle for the next generation

A further implication of Gray's message is that unhealed wounds can be passed from one generation to another. People who have never confronted their own pain can unintentionally reproduce it in their marriages, families, friendships, churches, and leadership. But the opposite can also happen. Healing can become part of our legacy. Rather than passing down fear, shame, anger, avoidance, dysfunction, or emotional distance, a healed person can begin passing down truth, grace, emotional health, forgiveness, security, and love. This gives the book a larger purpose than individual emotional wellness. Gray is ultimately talking about discipleship and transformation. Healing isn't merely about feeling better. It is about becoming the kind of person who can love God, love others, and live out the gospel from a place of wholeness.
 

To learn more about Derwin Gray, click the LINK!

To check out his church, Transformation Church, click the LINK! 

And to purchase his latest book, It’s Time to Heal, click the LINK!

CREDITS

Author of several books, latest: It’s Time to Heal (Nav Press, 2026) / Founder & Lead Pastor of Transformation Church, greater Charlotte, NC area / hosts podcast Transforming the Church / Master of Divinity w/concentration on Apologetics (magna cum laude), Southern Evangelical Seminary / Doctor of Ministry, New Testament in Context, Northern Seminary / Former NFL player (Indianapolis Colts & Carolina Panthers 1993-1998) / married to Vicki, two grown children