A Life Without a Father Left Deeper Wounds That Needed Redemption 

“I wanted to fit in and belong somewhere. As a child sometimes, like, I remember sitting in the bathtub and praying, ‘God, I just wanted to be loved, you know?’”

Becky McGowen knows what it’s like to feel you don’t belong. By the time she was thirteen, she’d had nine stepdads and had moved so often she didn’t have the chance to put down roots.

“The first time I finished the whole school year in one school was sixth grade after my mother got saved. She fell in love with Jesus and it changed her life, which changed our lives. I didn't know him as my savior, but I knew God created me and I knew he was there.”

Though her family started attending church regularly, Becky’s perspective on God didn’t change much until her teens.

“My relationship grew with him from being my creator into my savior, and I would wake up early and spend time in my Bible before basketball practice. I knew that he saved me, but I just didn't understand how much he loved me. I had to work for his love. I had to be good for his love.”

At 17, Becky thought she’d finally found where she belonged when she married her high school sweetheart. It wasn’t the dream she’d expected.

“He was the first person that, you know, told me that he loved me and so I clung to that because I wanted to be loved. People thought we had a cute little happy marriage, high school sweethearts, but it was, um, H-E-L-L at home. It was just never a constant love. I had to work for it or earn it.”

Soon after, Becky’s mother told her about her biological father and that Becky was the product of an affair her married mother had with a married man.

“I didn't think it affected me, but it did. It did set me up with thinking that my identity was being fatherless, thinking my identity was being a product of adultery. I'd see a, a dad holding a little girl while she was sleeping at church or something, I, I thought I never had that. I never got to crawl up in my daddy's arms, you know? So, I felt like I got cheated.”

Becky had two children of her own and worked hard to be a good mother. Still, when she and her husband divorced seven years later, Becky felt empty inside.

“I had a void in my heart that I wanted filled, you know, I just didn't know how to fill it.”
Becky drifted away from church. Four years later, she married Nick and began the difficult search for her biological father.

“I started actually looking for my dad and making phone calls to where he used to work. But I'd only get so far and then a door would get shut.”

One day in 2018, Becky’s concern for her now teenage son collided with her own sense of shame, and she had an encounter with God that changed everything.

“‘I don't feel good enough, God, to pray for my son. I don't feel worthy enough to be praying. I've not been living right for you. I put you on a back burner.’ And I felt him tell me, “I love you unconditionally.

The love that you have for your son is a small amount of the love that I have for you,” and I felt the love of God wrap around me in my living room, and I asked the Lord to forgive me for turning my back on him and from that day on I never looked back. My identity is in Christ, and he is my Abba Father.’”

Becky started a prayer journal. Her first prayer was for God to bring closure to her search for her dad. A month later, she had the same recurring dream she’d had for years.

“I think I longed to find my dad so much that I would dream about it. In February, I had a dream of finding him, and I thought this is the last time I'm gonna do it.”

Becky ordered a DNA kit. After completing it, she sent it in and got her results. In April of 2018, Becky located her father and an older sister. The sisters developed a relationship over Facetime and texts and made arrangements for Becky to go to Nashville to meet her dad in person.

“It was the best feeling. I remember thinking, ‘God, you are so good.’ You know, the Bible says that he will do an exceedingly and abundantly more than you even ask. And that's what he did. I just wanted a picture. I wanted closure and I didn't know if he was gonna be alive and I'm thankful he was. He had just turned 85 and he said that was his best birthday present.’”

As she thought about reuniting with her dad, Becky had a conversation with the Lord.

“‘I was driving home over the mountain, and I was like, ‘Thank you, Jesus for giving me this, you know? It is more than I even asked for. But God, I would've been the perfect little daddy's girl. I was such a tomboy.’ And I felt the Lord say, “You are a daddy's girl. I was there when you were crying in that bathtub.” And I felt that same love that wrapped around me in that living room floor hold me while I cried. All my days he's been there.’”

Becky knows her true identity is in Christ, and that assurance informs every decision she makes.

“I am a child of God. He's a king and I'm a princess. I am a daddy's girl, and I know that's my identity, you know? And I have purpose and my purpose is to love people. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to earn it. It's free; it's a gift.”

“Learn what God says about you and who he says you are. There's nobody out there that is gonna fill a void in your life like the Lord. He's gonna bring completion, and he's gonna bring healing from brokenness and it's no one's job to do that. There's no person out there that's gonna fix you. It's Jesus that gives you identity. He made me whole. He completed me.”