- I could wake up in the morning,

and be pretty happy and upbeat.

But by the end of the night,

I would be taking a razor blade,

cutting my wrist, wanting to die.

I just felt like I wasliving sheer hell on Earth.

- [Narrator] Nichole Marbachspent six years of her life

in and out of mental hospitals,

tormented by childhood memories of sexual,

physical, and verbal abuse

at the hands of an alcoholic relative.

- I felt very unsafe, andit caused so much fear

and anxiety to happen in my life.

But I couldn't tell anyoneabout it, because I was afraid.

- [Narrator] By the time Nichole was 10,

her mom had divorced and remarried.

She started going to church,and gave her life to Christ.

Unfortunately, the abuse continued,

as did Nichole's searchfor love and security.

- I believed God was mad at me,

because I was filled withconstant negative thoughts

that there was something wrong with me,

and that I was defective,and that I was unlovable.

- [Narrator] By early highschool, the abuse stopped,

but now Nichole had found ways to cope,

binge drinking, sex, and hurting herself.

- I started pulling my hair,

and banging my head against cement walls,

and pinching myself.

And eventually I founda razor, and cut myself.

- [Narrator] Nicholecontinued to drink in college,

and by the time she graduated,

she had settled down,was married to Claude,

and soon had three children.

She thought she had put herhorrific childhood behind her,

until one day, when she waschanging her daughter's diaper.

- And it just triggered so muchpain and anger at the time,

because here I was amother, protecting my child,

and realizing that nobody protected me.

- [Narrator] Those memoriesalso triggered something else.

- I started really hearing thesenegative voices in my head,

telling me to kill myself,

and telling me I was a horrible mother,

and telling me that my kidswould be better off without me.

- [Narrator] Again, Nicholebegan binge drinking,

and Claude soon found out,

and insisted they go to counseling.

That's when he first heardabout her abusive past.

- You know what's difficultis how it's hurting us now.

Certainly was you know,the certain very sad,

and I had a sense of loss also.

- [Narrator] Nicholewas diagnosed with PTSD,

and bipolar, and anxietydisorder, among others.

Afterwards, she started cutting again.

- My mind was racing withsuch thoughts of self hatred,

that one time I even took a razor blade,

and wrote in two inch block letters,

on my stomach, "I hate me."

- [Narrator] Although medicated,

Nichole would spend the next six years

in and out of psych wards,

following numerousattempts to hurt herself.

- The torment, the confusion, the anxiety,

the pain, and the heartachethat I would experience,

all of these negativeemotions and confusion

that wouldn't stop playing in my mind.

- And it became like kind ofan insurmountable mountain,

'cause it was too much.

Personally despair, but also despair

that she wouldn't be alive.

- [Narrator] Finally,the Marbachs resigned

to the fact they would have to live

with Nichole's mental illness,for the rest of their lives.

Then in 2006, Nicholemet a psychiatric nurse

at a Christian recovery center.

- She shared with methat God wanted me well,

and that I could replace allof those negative thoughts

and lies I was believing,with truth from the Word.

I started hearing the voiceof God speaking to me,

and telling me how much he loved me.

And it just, I, that confusionand mental torment just left.

And I knew that I knew that I knew

that I was healed, and I was free.

- [Narrator] Nichole says right away,

she lost her desire todrink and injure herself.

Also in the coming months,she got off the meds,

and could be the wife and mother

she and her family needed her to be.

- The sense of joy, thefun that we were having,

that's coming back,

the ability to be themom she wanted to be.

- [Narrator] She also began to discover

who she truly was in Jesus Christ,

receive his forgiveness,and forgive her abusers.

- As I received thelove of God for myself,

I was able to view my abusers,through his eyes of love.

And I was able to forgive them.

I can't tell you how freeI felt, in that moment.

It was like the icing onthe cake of my healing,

that I knew that I knew that I was healed,

and whole because of Jesus.

And it's been 14 years of no medication.

Thank you Jesus.

- [Narrator] Ever since,Nichole has been free,

and now has a national andinternational ministry,

where she helps othersstruggling with addictions

and mental illness.

She's also written multiple books,

including a devotional, thatshare her journey of healing.

- People that think that mentalillness cannot be healed,

I would say to them, with witnesses,

continue to have hope, forthe journey's not over.

And with God, all things are possible.

- Everything that I wassearching for as a child,

and as an adult, to find safety,and love, and protection,

I have now found that inmy relationship with God.

I want to tell you that Jesus

not only provided physicalhealing, at the cross,

but he also provided emotional healing,

and healing for mental illness.

And I wanna encourage you thatthat healing belongs to you.

(happy music)