- It was like, I have all of this love.

You should be happy, but I'mstill missing that one thing.

- [Narrator] Growing upwith a loving single mom

in Charleston, SouthCarolina, Adelai Brown

had one question burning in her mind.

- Where is my dad?

Like what did I do? Like whereis he? Why isn't he here?

- [Narrator] Adelai was a toddlerwhen her parents broke up.

Her father becoming at once a stranger

she'd rarely hear from anddespite her best efforts

to become the perfect daughter,

it was never enough to earnhis love and attention.

- Maybe if I can be happieror prettier or smarter

if I can not mess up somuch, he'll come around.

I developed that conclusionthat something must be

inherently like innately wrong with me.

- [Narrator] Then when Adelaiwas in the sixth grade,

her mom started dating anemotionally abusive man.

He not only commanded her mom's attention,

he let her back into drugs

after she had beenclean for several years.

- He was being manipulative.

Like trying to pull my mom and I apart.

I just got angry. I felt rejected by her.

I knew she would protect me

but I never felt safe emotionally

- [Narrator] Adelai's onlyrelief was the time spent

with her grandmother, aChristian who taught her

to trust in Jesus as her savior.

But when things didn't change at home.

I knew God was a good God and a just God

but that's why I thoughtsomething was wrong with me.

I am bad and that's whyGod isn't helping me.

- [Narrator] By highschool Adelai was known as

the model teenager, the Astudent who did no wrong.

But at home life had become unbearable

and she was in a dysfunctionalrelationship of her own.

So at 17 she moved out.

In two months later she was pregnant.

- I just felt like I was slipping because

I was the girl who was the all A student.

You're not the girl that getspregnant you're a good girl.

- [Narrator] Despite the stigmaand shame, Adelai pressed on

and finished high school, got a job

and began putting herself through college

all while raising her daughter

and caught in an unhealthy relationship

but her hard work andsacrifice still didn't bring

what she needed most.

- Deep down inside I'm like for what?

I'm I ever gonna get real love?

Can I fall and people reallyjust embrace me give me grace?

Mentally I started feelinglike I can't handle this.

- [Narrator] Eventually shebroke up with her boyfriend

but the pressure shekept putting on herself

was suffocating so to let off steam

the now 21 year old dabbled in alcohol

and drugs with friends.

One day she realized it wastaking her down a familiar path.

- I am not good enough to be a mother.

I'm turning into my mom.

I just kind of broke down in tears,

just crying like uncontrollably.

I was thinking, I'm losing my mind,

I'm gonna end up losing my daughter.

My mind was spiraling just that fast.

I was like, I'm losing it.

Like I can't get it together.

And in that moment ofdesperation, it was like,

I felt this calming feeling

and I just knew Jesus like Christ in me,

like a voice on the inside.

And it was like, it's going to be okay.

And from that day on,I started pursuing him.

- [Narrator] Adelai wouldspend years going to church,

Bible studies and prayer meetings

and doing all the right things,trying to get closer to God.

- I'm still not good enough.

I'm not getting thefeeling I was looking for.

I'm not getting the peace.

I'm not looking in the mirrorand liking what I'm seeing.

- [Narrator] Finallyshe began to accept that

God's love wasn'tsomething she had to earn.

- He started showing meno, your heart is hard.

I just wasn't receiving his love.

He was trying to give it to me.

- [Narrator] As the walls around her heart

began to crumble,

Adelai understood that through Christ

she was more than worthy of God's love.

- I can love myselfbecause Christ loved me.

If Jesus died on the cross for me,

if he went through sucha sacrifice for me,

it's a slap in his facefor me not to love me.

- [Narrator] Now an authorand working in ministry,

Adelai is married to Kevinand raising four kids.

She's also built strong relationships

with both of her parents.

Her mom has been clean since 2010.

Adelai says that seeingherself through God's eyes

helped transform her life.

- Only Christ could have done it.

We can get caught up inall about imperfections

but he said, I'll giveyou beauty for ashes

but we have to receive it

and that's really my story.

Just receiving it.