- [Eli] I had my storage key

and I sometimes would just clench it

because I didn't know if Iwas gonna make it that day.

- [Woman] The key Eli Gdonov held

so closely would open the door

to the ultimate escape

because behind it was a loaded gun.

- Why the heck would I wanna live.

I always internalized everything,

so not only was I in completetorment all the time,

but it was my fault

and I'm never gonna get it together.

- [Woman] From a young ageEli was sexually abused

by someone she knew,

but she blamed herself.

And by age nine she wasbattling thoughts of suicide.

- Even just playing with my dolls,

having them kill themselves

or go through abuse.

I had a lot of secrets.

I just had to grow up holding all that in.

- [Woman] By her teens she was cutting,

addicted to drugs

and was hospitalizedmultiple times for anorexia.

- It was like the inside ofme was just always screaming,

and I never had relief.

It was constant agony.

- [Woman] Then at 16 sheseemed to be turning a corner

through counseling,

until her mother diedunexpectedly in her sleep.

- Everyone was so worried about me dying,

she just died.

And so I got left with all thesethings I didn't get to say.

Just regret, all consumingregret and shame.

And I didn't know how to handle it.

- [Woman] After highschool she moved to L.A.,

and was doing whatevershe could to get drugs.

Trying to get help shetried rehab several times,

but always relapsed,

unable to find peace.

- I was also tense.

It's like if someone took a shotgun

and just blew a hole through me,

trying to stop bleeding.

Just this unrest.

I just couldn't evenimagine living any longer.

- [Woman] So she got a gun

and put it in a storage unit,

waiting for the day she had the courage

to turn it on herself.

But as much as she wanted to die,

she knew what it would do to her family.

- Living was actuallyharder than killing myself.

I was constantly living justso I didn't hurt other people,

but it was never for me.

- [Woman] In her decade long cycle

of addiction and suicidal thoughts,

Eli also contracted HIV.

- It just left me completely baffled

and feeling even more hopeless.

- [Woman] Then in 2012 Eli had a flashback

to her childhood traumafollowed by a seizure.

- My body can't stuff one more thing,

it's just exploding,

like I'm done.

- [Woman] The loaded gun called to her,

so with the key in hand shewent to her storage unit,

but something stopped her.

- If you're really gonna do this right,

you should go back, see your family,

get some closure, really for them.

- [Woman] Looking sickly and gaunt,

she went to visit her dadand his girlfriend, Debbie,

who begged her to go to rehab.

- She was just weeping for me,

and it was, it was just profound,

and so I agreed.

I was like man okay Ican do 30 days for her,

then I'll kill myself.

- [Woman] So they tookher to Captive Hearts,

a Christian rehab home.

There Eli saw a familiar face.

It was Chaplin Judy Bowan,

a counselor she had met 10 years before.

- I said Eli,

and she looked at me

and her face lit up,

and she said "Chaplin Judy?"

And I said "I thought you were dead."

- [Woman] They'd met duringEli's first attempt at rehab,

but Eli had bolted after only a few weeks,

leaving behind a rumor thatshe'd committed suicide.

Judy had thought about her often.

- Was I able to say enough

about trying to lead her toJesus that it made an impact

that she could cry out to God?

I didn't know.

- [Woman] Now Judy had a second chance,

but it was clear Elididn't wanna be there.

- So broken, so angry.

Eli was to the point of self destruction.

We were the last hope.

- [Woman] So Judy andsome other counselors

took Eli to a prayer service

at the Healing Rooms in Santa Maria.

- The pastor had a random word

and just began to cry.

He said somebody here hasbeen in such a dark place,

and the Lord is telling mehe's healing you right now,

don't take your life.

That word opened the door.

I never felt so free and loved in my life.

I just accepted Jesus.

I completely surrendered to him fully.

God didn't care about any of it.

My problems, like it didn't even matter.

- [Woman] Eli recovered from addiction

and would no longer behaunted by suicidal thoughts.

She says God also healed her of HIV.

- I always tell people God is a showoff

and he completely blew my mind.

- What had been a tombstone for Eli

turned into a steppingstone for her future.

It just showed me what he can do

for every one of us

if we allow him to do the work.

- [Woman] Through Eli's testimony her bond

with her family members has strengthened,

and they have come to know more

of Jesus Christ.

Eli is now married with two children.

And as a musician and writer

she points others to Jesus.

- Every lie the enemiestold you is shameful.

You're not good enough, you should die,

all those horrible things,

it's because you have a destiny.

You're still alive,

you're a miracle.

And you just have to reach out to God.

And he loves you,

and there's, it's not a mistake

you're watching this right now.

This is exactly for you.