- [Narrator] Debra Fileta is a licensed

professional counselorand popular blogger.

She specializes in datingand marriage issues.

Her blog, TrueLoveDates.com,reaches millions

of readers each year.

After years of counseling others,

as well as dealing with her own marriage,

Debra understands that relationships

can be the hardest and greatestthing we'll ever work on.

In her book, Choosing Marriage,

Debra shares her eight significant choices

that will equip you to take your marriage

from average to exceptional.

- Well, Debra Fileta joins us now.

Great to have you on the Interactive Show.

- Thank you, it's good be here.

- Is the culture that we live in today

making it more difficult tohave a really wonderful marriage

than it might have been in years gone by?

- Yeah, I think there'sa lot of factors at play

when it comes to marriage today.

Singles have seen the things

that their families havedone, their parents,

they've learned the goodthings and the bad things.

We're also putting an emphasis on career,

so culture kind of makesit a little bit harder

for singles to committo marriage these days.

- And it seems like peopleare getting married later,

that they're traveling anddoing a lot of the things,

building their businesses, whatever,

before making that commitment.

Your book is called Choosing Marriage.

Tell me about the choice factor.

- Yeah, absolutely, Choosing Marriage

is a very deliberate titlebecause I wanted to make sure

that I was addressing marriedpeople as well as singles,

and when you read thetitle, Choosing Marriage,

I think as married people wecan understand, okay, yes,

we have to choose ourmarriage every single day.

But really for singleswho are reading this book,

I want them to know thatthis book is for them, too,

because just because you're a Christian

doesn't mean you're goingto be good at marriage,

and you've got to understandthat a good marriage

requires us to make certain choices,

and there are choices you can make today,

even as a single person, that will impact

your future marriage and help you

to have a healthy strong relationship.

- Do you think somepeople long to be married,

maybe not some people, maybeit's a lot more than that,

without really understanding what it takes

to be happily married?

- Absolutely, I took asurvey of 1,000 singles

and 1,000 marriedpeople, and I asked them,

do you think that you understand

the sacrifice required in marriage?

Most singles said, "Yeah, I think

"I understand the sacrifice,"

we all hear that marriagerequires sacrifice.

- Can't travel as much anymore.

And then when I surveyedthe married people,

they actually said, 95% of them said

that they thought theyunderstood what sacrifice meant.

We all think we understandwhat sacrifice means,

but when we're reallythere in the process,

day in, day out, having toput someone else before us,

having to choose we overme, I think that sacrifice

takes on a whole new meaning.

- Is that the key takeawaynugget, putting we over me,

because self-sacrifice is at the center

of every relationship.- Absolutely.

For me, the subtitle of thisbook was really important,

Why It Has to Start WithWe is Greater Than Me.

We live in a culture today

where it's all about me, me, me, me, me,

and when you're single as well,

all you think about is yourself.

You do things when you want to do them,

how you want to do them, and the way

that you want to do them.

Then all of a sudden you'refaced with somebody else,

and you've got to takethem into consideration.

But this isn't about me versus you,

this is about choosing we over me,

because when you put it you versus me,

that can cause a lot of tension

in a marriage.- It usually does.

- And that's not how God intended it.

We've gotta see the biggerpicture and why the we matters.

- Selflessness is key, passivitythough is not selflessness.

Passivity can be a real destructive thing

in a marriage, even though it's quiet.

- Yes, that's a really important factor.

I start this book by explaining it.

When we're talking about the first choice,

which is moving fromselfishness to holiness,

we are not talking about being a doormat.

We are not talking aboutlaying down your needs

and laying down your emotionsand always saying yes

and never expressing what you need.

That's a recipe for an unhealthy marriage.

So really this isn't about passivity,

and I think there's a lotof Christians out there

who are practicing a passive lifestyle

who hold things in and theythink they're being selfless,

but it's actually doingharm to their marriage.

Learning what it means tounderstand our emotions,

understand our needs, expressthem in a healthy way,

and then identify them in our partner

and learn to meet their needsin a healthy way as well.

- So what do you suggest whensomeone's in a relationship

where one person seesthe need in the marriage

and wants to make someadjustments and corrections,

and the other person just is passive,

no problem, not changing, not doing this,

this is your problem, what do you do?

- It's always tricky, andthere's so many marriages

out there that are like that.

I think our tendency is tolook at our spouse and say,

"You've gotta change this,you've gotta change this,

"you've gotta change this,or this isn't working."

But really for effective counseling,

for effective psychology to take place,

what we need to do is focus on ourselves

and focus on our personal health,

focus on the choices we're making,

the boundaries we're setting,

the healing we need from our past,

our identity and clingingto our identity in Christ,

and the healthier webecome as individuals,

the healthier our marriage will also be.

- One of the things you suggest in doing

to invest in your marriage isto have weekly couch talks,

couch sessions.- Yeah, absolutely.

- What does that look like?

- Well, if you think about it,couples don't talk that much.

- Especially after children, right?

- In my survey of 1,000 married people,

you will not believe this, but they said

that they spoke to each otherless than 30 minutes a week

of quality conversation,less than 30 minutes.

And I'm not talking aboutthe conversation of,

"Honey, will you pick up milk?"

But more significant choices,more significant emotions

and feelings and opinions and ideas,

talking about what Godis doing in your life,

and exchanging that information.

If you don't put it on theschedule, it's not gonna happen.

So I really advocate forcouples to take that time

to interact with eachother in a meaningful way.

What should singles be lookingfor in the future spouse,

because I know so many peoplewho want to be married,

who want to find Mr. or Miss Right,

but how do they do that,what do they look for?

- I'll tell you what,human beings are magnetic,

and we attract peopleon our level of health.

If you're a single who finds yourself

drawn to the wrong kind of people

and the wrong kind of relationships,

I say take a couple stepsback and ask yourself

why am I attracting these type of people?

Why am I allowing thesetype of people into my life?

When you focus on gettingyourself emotionally,

psychologically, and spiritually healthy,

you will start attractingthe right kind of people

and recognizing the wrongones so much faster.

It saves you so much heartachewhen you start with yourself,

'cause you're 50% of the equationof a healthy relationship.

- So I hear you saying thatthat's the place to begin,

whether you're a single wantingto find that right person

or whether you're in amarriage relationship

and wanting to make it better.

- Absolutely, we're only in control

of this piece of the puzzle, you know.

- Yeah, understand, much as we'd like to,

we can't change the other person.

Well, I want you to know Debra's book

is called Choosing Marriage,

Why It Has to Start With We Before Me,

and it's available nowwherever books are sold.

Thank you so much, great message.

- Thank you.- I enjoyed having you.

- Thank you so much for having me.