IT WAS A TERRIFYING

CHILDHOOD.

MY MOTHER WAS MENTALLY ILL

FROM THE TIME SHE WAS ABOUT

19.

SHE REALLY JUST GOT

PROGRESSIVELY WORSE AS TIME

WENT ON.

HER CRAZINESS, OF COURSE,

WENT UNTREATED AND

UNDIAGNOSED.

SHE WAS VERY ABUSIVE,

VERBALLY ABUSIVE AND

PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE.

SHE WOULD LOCK ME IN A

CLOSET.

IT WAS A CLOSET UNDER THE

STAIRWAY IN THIS FARMHOUSE.

THERE WAS LIGHT UNDER THE

BOTTOM OF THE DOOR.

SO THAT'S THE LIGHT I HAD,

WHICH WASN'T MUCH.

IT CREATED IN ME A LOT OF

LONELINESS, ANXIETY,

DEPRESSION, SADNESS.

I NEVER KNEW QUITE WHY I WAS

PUT THERE.

YOU KNOW, IT WASN'T LIKE OH,

I DID THIS AND I'M GOING TO

THE CLOSET.

IT WAS NEVER LIKE THAT.

I WAS JUST PUT IN THE CLOSET

WHEN MY DAD WASN'T THERE.

BETWEEN THREE AND FIVE, I

WAS IN THAT CLOSET WHENEVER

MY DAD WAS GONE.

I WENT TO SCHOOL WITHOUT ANY

PREPARATION.

I WAS PUT ON A BUS, SENT

30 MILES AWAY TO THE

SCHOOL.

I WAS TERRIFIED OF THE

KIDS.

THEY WERE LOUD AND THEY WERE

SCARY.

AND SO IT WAS A TERRIFYING

TIME.

I WAS AFRAID TO GO TO

SCHOOL, AND I WAS AFRAID TO

COME HOME.

WHEN I GOT INTO JUNIOR HIGH,

I HAD SUCH PAIN INSIDE OF ME

ALL OF THE TIME.

ALWAYS HURTING, ALWAYS

FEARFUL.

I JUST COULDN'T DEAL WITH IT

ANYMORE.

I JUST WANTED TO END IT.

I DIDN'T WANT TO WAKE UP

WITH THE PAIN ANYMORE.

I HAD A SUICIDE ATTEMPT AT

14.

MY MOTHER HAD SLEEPING PILLS

AND THINGS LIKE THAT, AND I

THOUGHT I WAS TAKING THAT,

BUT SHE HAD FILLED THEM WITH

OTHER PILLS.

AND GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT ALL

I TOOK.

I ENDED UP NOT DYING, OF

COURSE, BUT MAKING MYSELF

REALLY SICK.

ONCE I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL,

IT SEEMED LIKE I WAS ABLE TO

DEAL WITH THE INSECURITIES

BETTER.

BUT I ALWAYS HAD TO WORK

THROUGH THE DEPRESSION EVERY

MORNING.

EVERY MORNING GET UP AND GET

ON TOP OF MY LIFE SO I COULD

GET TO SCHOOL AND FUNCTION.

I ALWAYS HAD THAT SADNESS,

THAT DEPRESSION, THAT FEAR

AND ANXIETY.

THAT WAS ALWAYS THERE, BUT I

WAS BETTER AT COVERING IT BY

THAT TIME.

I JUST STARTED AUDITIONING,

AND THIS IS WITHOUT REALLY

ANY TRAINING AT ALL.

BY THE SEAT OF MY PANTS

GOING INTO THESE THINGS AND

GETTING THE JOB.

I LOVED TO SING AND LOVE TO

DANCE, AND LOVED TO ACT.

I LOVED IT.

BUT I WAS JUST AFRAID THAT

THEY WERE GOING TO FIND OUT

THAT THERE WAS NOTHING

BEHIND THIS FACADE.

I WAS EMPTY, JUST EMPTY.

MY MOTHER PROCLAIMED TO BE A

CHRISTIAN AT ONE POINT, SO I

DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO

WITH BEING A CHRISTIAN.

I GOT INTO DRUGS AND ALCOHOL

AND OCCULT PRACTICES AND

EASTERN RELIGIONS.

THERE WAS A GIRLFRIEND WHO

WORKED WITH ME IN A LOT OF

THE TV SHOWS, AND HER NAME

WAS TERRY.

SHE WAS A CHRISTIAN.

BUT I NOTICED SOMETHING

DIFFERENT ABOUT HER,

SOMETHING REALLY GREAT.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS,

BUT I SAW HER FAMILY AND

TALKED TO HER FRIENDS, AND I

THOUGHT, THERE IS A GREAT

QUALITY TO THEM THAT I

REALLY LIKE, BUT DON'T TALK

TO ME ABOUT THIS CHRISTIAN

THING.

I KEPT THINKING DOWN AND

THINKING DOWN.

AND I WAS ON A RECORDING

SESSION WITH TERRY, AND I'M

PLANNING MY SUICIDE AGAIN.

THIS TIME I'M GOING TO MAKE

IT WORK.

I'M GOING TO GET THE RIGHT

PILLS AND I'M GOING TO GO TO

SLEEP AND NEVER WAKE UP

AGAIN.

BECAUSE I CAN'T STAND THE

PAIN.

AND SHE SAID TO ME, I CAN

SEE YOU'RE NOT DOING VERY

WELL.

SHE SAID, WHY DON'T YOU COME

WITH ME TO MEET MY PASTOR.

I SAID, OKAY, I'LL GO MEET

YOUR PASTOR.

I THOUGHT, AT LEAST I COULD

DO THIS FOR HER BEFORE I PUT

MYSELF TO DEATH.

HE STARTED TALKING TO ME

ABOUT JESUS.

NOT THE WAY MY MOTHER TALKED

ABOUT JESUS, BUT, YOU KNOW,

IN A NEW WAY, AND THAT HE

WOULD CHANGE ME FROM THE

INSIDE OUT.

I THOUGHT, WOW, THAT SOUNDED

SO GREAT.

IT WAS PRETTY FAR-FETCHED

BUT WORTH A TRY.

I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING ELSE.

HE SAID, I'VE GOT THREE

BOOKS I WANT TO GIVE YOU.

YOU GO HOME AND READ THEM

AND THEN WE'LL MEET AND YOU

TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF

THOSE BOOKS.

ONE OF THOSE WAS THE GOSPEL

OF JOHN.

SOMETHING IN ME CHANGED.

I KNEW I HAD READ THE

TRUTH.

I WENT BACK AND MET WITH HIM

AND RECEIVED THE LORD

THERE.

AND I COULD FEEL A SENSE OF

HOPE.

AND THAT WAS THE BIGGEST

THING, THAT SENSE OF HOPE.

WOW, I'LL NEVER FORGET

THAT.

I NEVER HAD THAT BEFORE.

BUT I STILL HAD THE

DEPRESSION.

I HAVE AN ETERNAL FUTURE

THAT IS GOOD, I HAVE LIFE

WITH HIM HERE NOW, AND I'M

THINKING, WHY AM I SO

DEPRESSED.

AND THE DEPRESSIONS GOT

WORSE.

I CALLED THE CHURCH, AND

THEY PUT ME WITH THIS

PASTOR'S WIFE.

HER NAME IS MARY ANN.

AND I TOLD HER EVERYTHING.

AND SHE SAID, I WANT YOU TO

FAST AND PRAY FOR THREE

DAYS.

I DID THAT, FASTED AND

PRAYED -- AND I WAS AFRAID I

WOULD DIE IN THE NIGHT FROM

HUNGER BECAUSE I WENT TO BED

HUNGRY MANY TIMES.

BUT I WAS WILLING TO DO

WHATEVER IT TOOK TO GET RID

OF THOSE FEELINGS.

I CAME BACK TO MEET HER IN

HER OFFICE, AND SHE HAD ME

LIFT UP TO THE LORD AND JUST

ASK FOR FORGIVENESS FOR IT.

AND THEN SHE HAD ME CONFESS

MY UNFORGIVENESS TOWARDS MY

MOTHER, WHICH I HAD.

AND THEN I HAD TO CONFESS

AND RENOUNCE MY OCCULT

PRACTICES, WHICH I HAD NEVER

DONE.

WHEN I DID THOSE THREE

THINGS, THE LORD REALLY

SPOKE TO ME THROUGH THAT

COUNSELLOR SAYING, MY

DAUGHTER SAYING YOU'VE BEEN

LOCKED IN A CLOSET ALL YOUR

LIFE, FIRST PHYSICALLY AND

THEN EMOTIONALLY, BUT I HAVE

THE KEYS.

YOU CAN WALK THROUGH THAT

DOOR AND BE FREE.

WHEN THEY PRAYED, I COULD

FEEL THAT DEPRESSION LIFT.

I HAD NO IDEA THAT COULD

HAPPEN.

I WASN'T EXPECTING THAT.

I WAS EXPECTING TO FEEL A

LITTLE BIT, LIKE, YOU KNOW

BETTER.

I WAS NOT EXPECTING TO BE

SET FREE FROM IT

COMPLETELY.

THAT WAS A MIRACLE TO ME.

THAT CHANGED MY LIFE.

BEING A CHRISTIAN OR A

BELIEVER DOESN'T MEAN YOU

DON'T GO THROUGH THINGS, BUT

HE IS THERE WITH YOU.

AND THAT'S SUCH AN IMPORTANT

THING BECAUSE WE ALL GO

THROUGH STUFF.

NO MATTER HOW DARK THAT TIME

IS, YOU HAVE A LIGHT IN YOU

THAT WILL NOT GO OUT.

NEVER EVER FORGET THAT.