WHAT MAKES A GOOD MAN?

A MAN WITH MUSCLES.

A NICE CAR.

MONEY.

AND MAYBE EVEN A PLANE.

HE HAS TO KNOW HOW TO FIX

THINGS.

ONE THAT LISTENS TO ME.

A MAN WHO CAN ADMIT WHEN

HE'S WRONG.

SOMEONE I CAN PRAY WITH.

I WANT A MAN THAT WANTS

TO BE MY HERO.

Andrew: WELL, JOINING

US NOW IS AUTHOR OF "SEVEN

WAYS TO BE HER HERO," DOUG

FIELDS.

IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.

Andrew: THIS WEEK I WAS

READING IT, AND LAST NIGHT I

SAID, I'M GOING TO STOP AND

BRING DINNER HOME FOR MY

WIFE.

AND SHE SAID, YOU'RE READING

THAT BOOK.

WELL, YOU GOT MY

ATTENTION WHEN YOU SAID

YOU'RE READING EVERY PAGE,

AND YOUR WIFE SAID, I

BELIEVE YOU NEED TO READ IT

A COUPLE OF TIMES.

Andrew: A BIG THEME IN

THE BOOK SAYS WE'RE CHASING

THE WRONG THINGS, AND WE

NEED TO CONTINUE TO CHASE

OUR WIFE AFTER YEARS AND

YEARS.

YOU MENTIONED OUR LOVERS ARE

OUR LAPTOPS AND A COMPUTERS

ARE OUR MISTRESSES.

AS WE GET A LITTLE OLDER,

WE CHASE CAREERS, WE CHASE

PROFESSIONS.

WHEN WE START DATING, WE

CHASE OUR GIRLFRIENDS.

AND THEN THE WEDDING IS THE

FINISH LINE.

AND THEN PEOPLE BEGIN TO

DRIFT.

IN ECCLESIASTES, IT SAYS

WE'RE CHASING THE WIND WHEN

WE'RE CHASING MEANINGLESS

THINGS.

I THINK GUYS HAVE GOT TO

UNDERSTAND WHEN THEY'RE

CHASING ANYTHING AT THE

EXPENSE OF THAT RELATIONSHIP

WITH THEIR WIFE, THEY'RE

CHASING THE WRONG THING.

Andrew: AND ESPECIALLY

NOW THAT WE HAVE THESE CELL

PHONES, AND WE'RE KIND OF

ALWAYS WORKING --

WE'RE SO CONNECTED TO THE

OUTSIDE WORLD, I CAN

REMEMBER WHEN MY DAD WOULD

COME HOME AS A CHILD.

HE WOULD COME HOME, AND THE

BIGGEST WAY TO DECOMPRESS

WAS TO TAKE OFF HIS TIE AND

JACKET, AND THEN HE WAS WITH

THE FAMILY.

WE DON'T COME HOME LIKE THAT

ANYMORE.

WE COME HOME WITH OUR WORK,

WITH OUR COMPUTER.

STATISTICS SAY PEOPLE ANSWER

THEIR TEXTS WITHIN 30

SECOND, AND SO WE'RE ALWAYS

ON.

I THINK RELATIONALLY WHAT

HAPPENS IS WE'RE

OVERCONNECTED.

Andrew: AND THERE IS

REAL GOOD PRACTICAL STUFF IN

HERE.

COMMUNICATION IS A KEY TO

MARRIAGE.

AND A BIG POINT HERE IS:

MEN, DON'T SAY EVERYTHING

YOU THINK.

LET ME START BY SAYING, I

GAVE THEM SEVEN VERY DO

DOABLE THINGS.

THERE ARE A LOT OF BOOKS OUT

THERE, 30 WAYS TO DO THIS.

BUT LET'S GET IT DOWN TO

SEVEN.

THE FIRST IS: DON'T SAY

EVERYTHING YOU THINK.

I THINK FOR SOME REASON WE

GET THESE, I'M A LITTLE

SARCASTIC AND SNARKY, AND IT

COMES REAL QUICK TO ME.

AND WHAT I REALIZED IS I

DON'T HAVE TO SAY IT.

BECAUSE WHEN I DO SAY IT,

AND EVEN THOUGH I'M JOKING

OR IT IS A

PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE COMMENT,

THERE IS STILL WOUNDING WITH

IT.

I DON'T NEED TO SAY IT.

I DON'T NEED TO ROLL MY

EYES.

Andrew: BODY LANGUAGE

SAYS A LOT IN ITSELF.

ABSOLUTELY.

AND LISTENING IS ANOTHER

ONE.

I THINK BECAUSE IT IS THE

LANGUAGE OF LOVE.

I KNOW FOR MY WIFE, THERE

HAVE BEEN TIMES SHE IS

TALKING TO ME ABOUT HER DAY,

AND I'M GOING THROUGH THE

MAIL OR CHECKING TEXTS OR

SEEING WHAT IS ON

SPORTSCENTER, AND WHAT I'M

LEARNING MORE AND MORE IT IS

REALLY EASY TO LISTEN IF I

JUST FOCUS.

Andrew: I THINK A LOT

OF GUYS START TO DETERMINE

IN THEIR MARRIAGES, YOU

DON'T HAVE TO SAY EVERYTHING

YOU THINK.

SO THEN YOU START TO BE MORE

DELIBERATE IN YOUR

RESPONSES.

AND OCCASIONALLY I'VE TALKED

TO OTHER GUYS THAT SAY THEY

HAVE EXPERIENCED THE SAME

THING, WHERE THEIR WIVES ARE

SAYING, WHY AREN'T YOU

SAYING ANYTHING?

THE POINT YOU MAKE IS, IF

YOU'RE THINKING SOMETHING

POSITIVE, SAY IT.

DROP YOUR PRIDE.

THAT'S ANOTHER ONE OF THE

SEVEN WAYS TO BE A HERO, USE

WORDS, BUT WORDS THAT BUILD

UP.

WORDS ARE POWERFUL.

OFTENTIMES WE DON'T USE THE

RIGHT WORDS.

ALL THROUGH PROVERBS IT

TALKS ABOUT THE POWER OF

WORDS, AND LIFE-GIVING

WORDS.

I'VE TALKED TO GUYS BEFORE,

AND ENCOURAGEMENT IS NOT

ONLY ON THEIR LOVE LANGUAGE

LIST.

AND IT MAY BE THEIR WIFE'S

PRIMARY WAY THEY RECEIVE

LOVE.

I HAVE GUYS SAY I HAVE TO

SET THE ALARM ON MY PHONE TO

REMIND ME TO ENCOURAGE MY

WIFE.

Andrew: HERE IS

SOMETHING I DON'T HEAR MEN

TALK ABOUT, BUT IT IS

IMPORTANT.

IT IS PHYSICAL AFFECTION

WITHOUT INTENTION.

FOR MEN, PHYSICAL TOUCH

OFTENTIMES NEEDS TO LEAD

SOMEWHERE.

BUT THAT DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK

IN A MARRIAGE.

YEAR ONE IN OUR MARRIAGE,

WE WERE REVIEWING THE YEAR,

AND MY WIFE SAID, YOU'RE NOT

A VERY GOOD HUGGER.

AND I SAID, WHAT DO YOU MEAN

I'M NOT A VERY GOOD HUGGER.

AND SHE COULD TELL BY MY

RESPONSE, AND SHE SAID,

YOU'RE GOOD AT THAT KIND OF

HUG, A HUG YOU WANT TO LEAD

SOMEWHERE.

AND SHE WAS, LIKE, I JUST

WANT MY HANDHELD AT TIMES,

COMMUNICATE YOU LIKE ME AND

WANT TO BE WITH ME AND TOUCH

ME IN OTHER WAYS THAN BEING

SEXUAL.

Andrew: WHAT ABOUT THIS

CALL IN THE BIBLE THAT WE'RE

TO LOVE OUR WIVES LIKE

CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH.

HOW DO WE DO THAT?

IT IS A CHALLENGE FOR THE

REST OF YOUR LIFE.

I DID A WEDDING A COUPLE OF

DAYS AGO, AND MY SON WAS THE

BEST MAN IN THIS WEDDING,

AND I'VE KNOWN THIS GUY THAT

WAS GETTING MARRIED SINCE

JUNIOR HIGH, AND I USED THAT

VERSE, "AS CHRIST LOVED THE

CHURCH,CHURCH," WHICH IS

UNCONDITIONAL.

I SAID, JAMES, YOU HAVE THE

AGENDA SET FOR THE REST OF

YOUR LIFE.

BECAUSE IT WILL TAKE YOU THE

REST OF YOUR LIFE TO LOVE

HER IN THAT COMPASSIONATE,

UNCONDITIONAL, FORGIVING

WAY.

Andrew: YOU SAID IN

RESEARCH THE NUMBER ONE NEED

OF A WOMAN IN MARRIAGE IS

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

THAT MAY SURPRISE A LOT OF

PEOPLE.

YEAH, WE WANT TO BE

LOVED -- THINK ABOUT IT, I

WANT TO BE KNOWN AND I WANT

TO BE LOVED.

AND I WANT TO BE LOVED FOR

WHEN I'M KNOWN.

YOU KNOW ME AS MY

WEAKNESSES, MY SINS AND MY

FAULTS, AND YOU STILL LOVE

ME, THAT'S A WIN.

Andrew: DOUG, WE'VE GOT

SOME QUESTIONS FROM OUR

VIEWERS FOR YOU.

TAMMY SAYS, "MY HUSBAND AND

I ARE BOTH BELIEVERS, BUT WE

ARE SEPARATED.

HE IS ALWAYS SO ANGRY, BUT

HE WON'T GO TO COUNSELLING.

WHAT CAN I DO?

DO I NEED TO LET GO OF THIS

MARRIAGE?"

WELL, WE BELIEVE IN A GOD

WHO DOES MIRACLES, SO I

DON'T WANT TO TELL SOMEBODY

TO LET GO OF A MARRIAGE

BECAUSE THEY'RE SEPARATED

AND HE'S ANGRY AND HE WON'T

GO TO COLLEGE.

THE PROBLEM WITH STUFF LIKE

THIS, ANDREW, WE DON'T KNOW

THE WHOLE CONTEXT.

I WOULD SAY, WHY DON'T YOU

GO TO COUNSELLING.

YOU GO TO COUNSELLING, AND

THERE MAY BE WAYS THAT YOU

COULD CHANGE YOURSELF

FIRST.

WE ALWAYS THINK IT IS THE

OTHER PERSON'S ISSUE.

AND A LOT OF TIMES IN

MARRIAGES, WE NEED TO HOLD

THE MIRROR UP AND SAY, WHAT

IS WRONG WITH ME?

WHAT IS BROKEN IN ME?

WHY DOES THAT TRIGGER ME?

Andrew: AND YOU ASSERT

IN YOUR BOOK WHAT OTHER

PASTORS ARE STARTING TO SAY,

MARRIAGES AREN'T JUST

50/50.

IT IS I'M 100% DEVOTED TO

YOU.

YEAH.

AND THAT'S WHAT ONENESS IS.

GENESIS 2, A MAN WILL LEAVE

HIS FAMILY AND BE UNITED,

AND THE TWO WILL BECOME

ONE.

WHEN I GOT MY ARMS AROUND

THAT, IT CHANGED

EVERYTHING.

I WISH IT HAPPENED EARLIER

IN MY MARRIAGE.

WHAT I REALIZED WAS WHEN I

BEGAN TO ENHANCE CATHY,

SELFISHLY, I'M ENHANCING

MYSELF, TOO.

ALSO, WHEN I GO TO WOUND

HER, WHETHER IT IS SOME TYPE

OF COMMENT, AND I THINK, I

GOT HER, AND I DIDN'T REALLY

GET HER, I GOT US.

Andrew: A QUESTION FROM

JACKSON: "I'VE MESSED UP SO

MANY TIMES MY WIFE DOESN'T

TRUST ME ANYMORE.

I WANT TO GET WRIT RIGHT

WITH HER AND GOD, BUT SHE

SAYS SHE IS NOT WILLING TO

PUT HERSELF OUT THERE

ANYMORE.

WHAT CAN I DO TO WIN HER

BACK?"

MY WIFE AND I ARE IN A

COUNSELLING SITUATION WITH

ANOTHER COUNSEL, AND HE

COULD HAVE SENT THAT IN.

TRUST IS A BIG ISSUE THERE.

I THINK YOU HAVE TO BUILD

BACK TRUST.

ONE THE SEVEN WAYS TO BE HER

HERO THAT I TALKED ABOUT IS

GO BIG WITH THE SMALL

THINGS.

WE ALWAYS THINK IT IS ALL

ABOUT THE BIG.

I'VE GOT TO GET HER A NEW

CAR OR A DIAMOND RING TO WIN

BACK HER TRUST.

I THINK YOU NEED TO BE

FAITHFUL WITH THE SMALL

THINGS.

WHEN MARRIAGES TEND TO GO

BACKWARDS OR SIDEWAYS OR

ADRIFT IT IS BECAUSE WE STOP

DURING THE LITTLE THINGS

THAT OVER A LONG PERIOD OF

TIME CREATE THIS DISTANCE.

TO BUILD BACK TRUST, YOU'VE

JUST GOT TO DO A LOT OF THE

THINGS OVER AND OVER AND

OVER.

AND IT MAY BE THE NON-SEXUAL

TOUCH.

IT MAY BE THE POWERFUL

WORDS.

IT MAY BE THE LISTENING.

IT MAY BE MANY VERY DOABLE

THINGS THAT I TALK ABOUT IN

THE BOOK, AND YOU DO THOSE

OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND

OVER.

Andrew: AND CHRISTIAN

MEN MAY NOT PUT ENOUGH

ATTENTION ON THE FACT THAT

GOD REALLY CALLS AND EXPECTS

US TO BE LOVING OUR WIVES,

AND PUTTING THE EFFORT IN

WHERE NEEDED.

IT IS A GREAT BOOK, DOUG.

DOUG'S BOOK IS CALLED "SEVEN

WAYS TO BE HER HERO."

AND IT IS AVAILABLE

NATIONWIDE.

THANKS FOR BEING WITH US.

IT IS TERRIFIC STUFF.

THANK YOU.