TERRY: WHAT IS YOUR LOVE

LANGUAGE?

THAT IS THE QUESTION FROM GARY

CHAPMAN.

IT IS ONE MILLIONS OF COUPLES

HAVE ANSWERED.

SOMETIMES IT SEEMS AS IF A

RELATIONSHIP IS DESTINED TO FALL

APART.

TO THOSE COUPLES, GARY CHAPMAN

HAS A QUESTION AS WELL.

MANY PEOPLE KNOW GARY CHAPMAN AS

AMERICA'S MOST BELOVED MARRIAGE

COUNSELOR.

ALSO THE AUTHOR OF "NEW YORK

TIMES" BEST SELLER "THE FIVE

LOVE LANGUAGES."

FOR 35 YEARS, GARY HAS HELPED

THOUSANDS HEAL THEIR MARRIAGES.

HIS NEW BOOK "ONE MORE TRY,"

GARY WILL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO

THAT WILL SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.

TERRY: DR. GARY CHAPMAN IS

HERE AGAIN AND WE WELCOME YOU.

THANK YOU, TERRY.

GOOD TO BE BACK.

TERRY: MOST PEOPLE HAVE

POINTS WHERE THEY STRUGGLE A

LITTLE BIT.

WHEN PEOPLE GET IN A HARD PLACE,

USUALLY THEY FEEL LIKE IT IS THE

OTHER GUY'S FAULT, IS THAT

COMMON?

IT IS COMMON.

ALL OF US FEEL LIKE OUR

POSITION, OUR THOUGHTS, OUR

BEHAVIOR IS ALL RIGHT.

TERRY: I AM THE RIGHTEOUS

ONE, [LAUGHTER].

WHEN PEOPLE COME TO YOU AND SO

MANY PEOPLE HAVE READ YOUR BOOKS

OVER THE YEARS, HOW DO YOU MOVE

THEM TO CONSIDERING THE FACT

THERE ARE THINGS IN THEIR OWN

THOUGHT PROCESS, THEIR OWN WAY

OF LIVING THAT NEED CHANGING.

IF THEY ARE BELIEVERS, JESUS

MADE IT CLEAR, FIRST OF ALL, YOU

GET THE LOG OUT OF YOUR OWN EYE.

THEN YOU CAN SEE HOW TO GET THE

SPECK OUT OF THE OTHER PERSON'S

EYE.

HE DIDN'T SAY NOTHING IS WRONG

WITH THEM, LEAVE THEM ALONE.

HE SAID FIRST OF ALL, DEAL WITH

YOUR OWN FAILURES, THEN PROCESS

THE PROBLEMS ON THE OTHER

PERSON.

TERRY: WHEN PEOPLE COME TO

YOU, OFTEN THEY COME, I AM SURE

THEY ARE AT THE END OF THEIR

ROPE.

THEY WANT OUT OF THE DISCOMFORT

OF HAVING TO WORK THROUGH THESE

THINGS.

HOW DO YOU HELP PEOPLE GET TO

THE PLACE WHERE THEY SAY I AM

WILLING TO TRY TO RECONCILE

THIS?

THAT IS THE BEGINNING, ISN'T IT?

IT IS.

I AM VERY EMPATHIC.

I KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE

MARRIED AND FEEL LIKE YOU

MARRIED THE WRONG PERSON.

TERRY: DID YOU GO THROUGH

THAT?

WE DID.

CAROLYN AND I FELT LIKE THAT IN

THE EARLY YEARS.

TERRY: WHAT DID YOU DO?

FOR US IT WAS A LONG JOURNEY.

WE WERE BOTH COMMITTED TO

MARRIAGE AND GOD.

WHEN YOU HAVE THAT KIND OF

FOUNDATION, YOU ARE GOING TO

FIND ANSWERS.

WHAT I SAY TO PEOPLE WHEN THEY

COME, REALLY.

I UNDERSTAND, FIRST OF ALL HOW

YOU COULD GET TO THE PLACE WHERE

YOU HAVE NO HOPE.

WHY DON'T YOU GO ON MY HOPE FOR

A WHILE.

I WORK WITH A LOT OF COUPLES.

I HAVE SEEN A LOT OF MARRIAGES

RESTORED.

I NEVER ASK PEOPLE DO YOU WANT

TO WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE?

THEY HAVE LOST THE WANT TO.

I ASK WILL YOU WORK ON YOUR

MARRIAGE?

I UNDERSTAND, THE EMOTIONS ARE

NOT PUSHING YOU.

WILL YOU WORK ON THE MARRIAGE?

IF YOU WILL, WE CAN TAKE STEPS

TO LEAD YOU IN THE RIGHT

DIRECTION.

TERRY: IT IS A PROCESS FOR

EVERYONE, ISN'T IT?

IT IS.

THERE IS NO MAGIC WAND WAVED AND

THE MARRIAGE IS FIND.

OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD IS

EXTREMELY IMPORTANT.

WE HAVE TO TURN AROUND.

WE HAVE TO COME BACK TO GOD.

OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD AND

HELP OF THE HOLY SPIRIT WILL

HELP US IMPLEMENT THOSE THINGS.

WE DIDN'T GET TO THE POINT OF

DESPAIR OVERNIGHT.

WE ARE NOT GOING TO GET BACK TO

THE POINT OF ENJOYING LIFE

OVERNIGHT.

TERRY: WHEN SHOULD PEOPLE

SEEK HELP WHEN THEY ARE

STRUGGLING?

I THINK SOMETIMES WE WAIT UNTIL

WE DON'T WANT TO.

COUPLES GETTING MARRIED, IN

THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE, CALL

A PASTOR.

GO SEE AN OLDER FRIEND.

SHARE THE STRUGGLE WITH THEM.

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE

PROBLEMS OTHER PEOPLE HAVEN'T

HAD SIMILAR PROBLEMS.

EARLIER YOU REACH OUT, EARLIER

YOU'LL FIND AN ANSWER.

TERRY: I AM GOING TO ASK YOU

THIS, WHY DO MEN SEEM TO HAVE

SUCH A STRUGGLE WITH GETTING

HELP FROM SOMEONE?

IT IS THE IDEA WE WANT TO DO

IT OURSELVES.

YOU KNOW, WE ARE NOT GOING TO

ASK SOMEBODY HOW TO GET THERE.

OF COURSE NOW WE HAVE GOOGLE.

WE ARE NOT GOING TO ASK

QUESTIONS.

WE ARE GOING TO DO IT OURSELVES.

SOMETHING ABOUT THE EGO OF MEN

THAT WANT TO DO IT OURSELVES.

WE WERE DESIGNED TO LIVE IN

COMMUNITY.

MARRIAGE IS DESIGNED TO BE THE

MOST INTIMATE OF ALL

RELATIONSHIPS.

BECAUSE OF THE INTIMACY, DESIRE

FOR INTIMACY, WE HAVE TO HAVE

HELP.

THERE ARE THINGS WE DON'T

UNDERSTAND ABOUT EACH OTHER.

WE REACH OUT FOR HELP, WE FIND

HELP.

TERRY: SOMETIMES THERE ARE

THINGS WE DON'T UNDERSTAND ABOUT

OURSELVES.

IT SEEMS LIKE A COMMON THING WE

GO THROUGH AS HUMAN BEINGS IS

THAT THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER

SOME WHERE ELSE.

THAT IS NOT REALITY.

WE TAKE OUR PROBLEMS WITH US IF

WE DON'T SOLVE THEM.

RESEARCH INDICATES DIVORCE

RATE IN SECOND MARRIAGES IS

HIGHER THAN FIRST MARRIAGE.

ANSWER IS LEARNING HOW TO LOVE

THE PERSON TO WHOM YOU ARE NOW

MARRIED.

NO ONE GETS MARRIED, GEE, I

HOPE THIS WORKS, IF IT DOESN'T

THERE IS ALWAYS DIVORCE.

WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE'S DREAMS?

WE HEAR ABOUT THE HONEYMOON

PHASE.

HOW DO WE LOSE WHAT WAS SO

ENTICING?

THE INLOVE EXPERIENCE WHERE

YOU ARE PUSHED ALONG WITH THESE

EUPHORIC FEELINGS HAS AVERAGE

LIFE SPAN OF TWO YEARS, WE COME

DOWN OFF THE HIGH.

I SAY LET'S BE GLAD WE COME DOWN

OFF THE HIGH.

IF WE DIDN'T, YOU WOULD HAVE TO

CLOSE DOWN BUSINESS, INDUSTRY,

CHURCH, EDUCATION.

YOU CAN'T GET ANYTHING DONE WHEN

YOU ARE IN LOVE.

BEING IN LOVE IS NEXT DOOR TO

BEING INSANE.

WHEN WE COME DOWN, WE BEGIN TO

IDENTIFY THE THINGS ON THE OTHER

PERSON THAT IRRITATE US AND

ARGUE AND SAY HURTFUL THINGS.

AFTER A WHILE, WE ARE WONDERING,

WHY DID WE GET MARRIED?

WE DON'T LIKE EACH OTHER.

IT IS A NORMAL PHASE.

BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED, YOU WILL

COME DOWN OFF THE HIGH AND HAVE

TO WORK THROUGH THE DIFFERENCES.

IF YOU UNDERSTAND THAT IT IS

MUCH EASIER.

TERRY: YOU WRITE IN THE BOOK

ABOUT THE DEEPEST PIT,

LONELINESS, TALK ABOUT THAT.

I THINK IN A MARRIAGE, YOU

CAN BECOME EXTREMELY LONELY IF

YOU HAVEN'T LEARNED HOW TO SHARE

A LIFE INTELLECTUALLY,

EMOTIONALLY, SOCIALLY WHICH IS

WHAT INTIMACY IS ABOUT.

YOU CAN BECOME EXTREMELY LONELY

WHEN YOU LEAD INDEPENDENT LIVES.

THE LONELINESS IS ONE OF THE

DEEPEST HURTS OF THE HUMAN

HEART.

GOD SAID IT IS NOT GOOD FOR A

MAN TO BE ALONE.

THE WORD MEANS CUT OFF OR

ISOLATED.

GOD'S ANSWER WAS THE INSTITUTION

OF MARRIAGE.

DESIGNED FOR THE MOST INTIMATE

OF ALL RELATIONSHIPS.

TERRY: IT CAN BE LEARNED.

ABSOLUTELY.

[LAUGHTER].

TERRY: IF YOUR MARRIAGE IS

IN TROUBLE, I WANT TO SHARE WITH

YOU DR. GARY'S BOOK "ONE MORE

TRY."

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR MARRIAGE IS

FALLING APART.

A GREAT INTRODUCTION TO FINDING

LIFE LONG ANSWERS FOR YOU AND

THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE.

DR. CHAPMAN, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.