RELATIONSHIPS
Nine Lies Men Tell Themselves
About Women
By Julie Ferwerda
CBN.com –
When the article, “Nine
Lies Women Tell Themselves about Men,” was featured
on CBN.com about a month ago, it was met with zealous reactions.
The dozens of women I received feedback from could relate to having
fallen for those very lies, while the handful of men I heard back
from thought I was “men-bashing.”
I did not write these articles for the many quality and healthy-thinking
men and women who are patiently waiting for the right relationship,
nor is it my intent to degrade men or women. In fact, I have been
my own audience in the past, discovering the truth the hard way.
In all reality, Christian men and women out in the dating world
today are being met with all sorts of wrong thinking in their
relationships. It is my hope to help these individuals identify
these lies before it is too late, because they ruin lives and
families.
For this men’s article, I employed the help of male friends
and loved ones, especially my wonderful husband, Steve.
Lie #1: She’s flirting with me because she thinks
I’m great.
While it seems innocent and fun, flirting is not a behavior that
women who are trying to attract the right kind of man indulge
in. Most women who flirt are looking for attention. Why? Likely
she either has a poor self-image and she’s searching for
positive strokes, or she is desperately looking for approval that
she didn’t receive from her father. The trouble is, flirtatious
women often have a hard time leaving that trait behind when they
get married, and they inappropriately (and dangerously) continue
to search for the approval of men long after “I do.”
Also, women who need this type of attention can tend to be high
maintenance in relationships, always craving more attention.
Lie #2: She doesn’t realize what her revealing
clothes are doing to me.
More likely than not, when she bought those clothes she was thinking
about how you (and every other man) would drop his jaw when she
walked by. While many women don’t realize the extent of
men’s visual stimulation (since it’s quite different
than women), most know exactly what they are doing to you. It’s
called putting you under a spell to get what they want from you.
Proverbs calls this a “seductress” with clear warning:
“a seductress is a narrow well. She also lies in wait as
for a victim, and increases the unfaithful among men.” Proverbs
23:27-28
Lie #3: Her lack of faith won’t pull me down.
Solomon, the wisest man and king who ever lived, fell for this
lie. Probably thinking he was smarter than God gave him credit
for, he stubbornly ignored God’s warning not to marry the
pagan women of other nations because they would turn his heart
after their gods. Sure enough, that’s exactly what happened—and
it cost him greatly. So if the wisest man who ever lived, the
one who had been visited by God himself on two different occasions
and even built God’s temple, wasn’t strong enough
to stay devoted to God while going after unbelieving women, how
could you be any different?
Lie #4: She’s a little needy but I like to be needed.
She’ll settle down once we’re married.
According to studies, men thrive on being needed, but it can
end up in trouble. Many women out there are desperate to get married.
It’s one thing for her to enjoy being with you and to depend
on you occasionally for emotional support, or to help with certain
things (like changing her oil or mowing her lawn), but when it
comes to emotional neediness, it’s not healthy and it’s
not going to get better unless she gets help. She probably has
some “holes” that she is expecting you to fill that
you never will, no matter how much time, love, or words of encouragement
you give her, because you are not the answer to her longings.
After the wedding, you will disappoint her because you can’t
do or be enough, and she may turn to other things for comfort—food,
other men, alcohol, or shopping, to name a few.
Lie #5: If she knew who I really am, she wouldn’t
want me.
This fear keeps many men in a cycle of telling women what they
want to hear instead of being open and honest about who they really
are. This builds the relationship on a lie from the start, and
increases the chance of failure later on. It also increases anxiety
over exposure and rejection. The woman you are dating needs to
know exactly who you are and what kind of person she is agreeing
to love. It’s not fair to give her false hope. As an example,
going to church with her before you are married with no intention
of continuing later is not an honest representation of yourself.
If she is the one for you and she is operating under the grace
of God, she will love and accept you, warts and all.
Lie #6: She wouldn’t just date me for financial
reasons.
Think again. A woman’s greatest need is for security, according
to studies. That doesn’t mean that all women are gold diggers,
but you have to be aware of motives. There are many financially
distraught women thinking that getting married to someone financially
stable will solve all of their problems, whether or not the man
is right for her. This is unfortunate because the relationship
is built on wrong motives, and is likely to be very disappointing.
How can you know for sure? You can’t really. But you can
watch for a few factors. Is she a good money manager of her own
money? Is she stable financially on her own? Does she hint at
expensive tastes out of her budget? Does she focus on her lack
of finances? Does she focus on your comfortable lifestyle? If
you are concerned, be sure to approach this matter privately with
a qualified pre-marriage counselor (like her pastor) for some
objective help in discerning her motives. This may sound harsh,
but you don’t want to risk marrying a woman who only loves
you for your money.
Lie #7: When I marry her, my lust problem will be solved.
This is a normal mistake that many men make, especially ones
who are waiting to have sex until marriage. They think, “When
I’m able to have sex with my wife, I won’t be tempted
by pornography or experience consuming lust because I’ll
have an outlet for my sexual energy.” I think all honest
married men will tell you that marriage did not solve their lust
problem. In some cases, it aggravated it. This is due primarily
to the fact that lust isn’t a sex problem. It’s a
heart problem. And just like a fire, when you begin to feed it,
it gets hotter and hungrier, not satisfied. When a man gets married,
he may be even more focused on sex and can still feed his fire
(lustful thoughts) with images and fantasies.
Another problem is that many men go into marriage expecting their
wife to be a sex goddess—ready at their beck and call for
a romp in the hay. How many men have been disappointed to find
that marital sex is not as plentiful as they would have hoped.
Relationship problems, low sex-drive, busy schedules, interruptions
from kids, and physical problems can all be factors. The best
thing is to begin starving the fire of lust and it will die down.
Get a rein on your thoughts and the things you allow yourself
to look at. Flee, as the Bible says, from sexual temptation.
Lie #8: She nags a little, but what woman doesn’t.
Women who nag more than occasionally have a control problem.
If you want to be mothered for the rest of your life, then go
ahead and accept the challenge. If not, either make sure she deals
with her control problem before marriage, or move on until you
meet with a more relaxed woman who doesn’t need to micro-manage
your life.
Lie #9: Her past is her past—I don’t need
to know.
Wrong! Her past becomes your past. You need to dig and
discover during the dating relationship to see if there are any
big issues lurking in the deep waters beneath the surface. What
was her relationship like with her dad? Has she ever been sexually
molested or abused? How have men treated her in past relationships?
How has she treated men in the past? All of this you need to know
now, or you could be shocked and deeply affected later when huge
road blocks and past skeletons emerge in her sexual or emotional
intimacy.
Resources to Prepare for Marriage:
The Perfect Fit: Waiting for God’s Best After Failed
Relationships, by Julie Ferwerda, available at www.julieferwerda.com.
Finding
Your Perfect Mate, H. Norman Wright, Harvest House Publishers,
1995.
Should I Get Married?,
by Blaine Smith, Intervarsity Press, 1990.
Every Man’s
Battle, Stephen Arterburn, WaterBrook Press, 2000.
Every Young
Man, God’s Man, by Kenny Luck, WaterBrook Press,
2005
Julie is the author of The Perfect Fit: Waiting for God’s
Best after Failed Relationships and has written articles
for other publications such as Marriage Partnership,
Brio & Beyond, HomeLife, Discipleship
Journal, and Revolve III Biblezine Project for teen
girls (Thomas Nelson, July 2006). To order the book or to find
out more go to: www.JulieFerwerda.com.
CBN IS HERE FOR YOU!
Are you seeking answers in life? Are you hurting?
Are you facing a difficult situation?
A caring friend will be there to pray with you in your time of need.
|
What Our Partners Are Doing
Triple hurricanes, food riots and inflation have all added to the growing hunger crisis in Haiti.
Jim and Evelyn Seymour were drowning in $60,000 of credit card debt due to job losses and medical needs. Find out Evelyn's strategy that completely changed their lives.
|
